Florida Dude - Joke of the Day

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Upon learning that Jesus fed the 5000, the men want to know whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." Then five guys and two women stand up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

Baptism is referred to as "Branding."

There is a special bake sale to raise funds for a new church septic tank.

High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized wash tub.

The choir robes were donated by Billy Bob's Bar-B-Q, and are embroidered with his logo.

The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known.

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

AND FINALLY

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.! !

Q: How do you clear out an Iraqi Bingo Hall?
A: Yell B-52 ! ! !

Q: What's the five-day forecast for Baghdad?
A: Two days.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Iraqi and a dog?
A: An Iraqi.

Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: What do you call an Iraqi with a camel AND a goat?
A: Bisexual.

Q. Why do pigeons fly upside down over Baghdad?
A. There ain't nothing worth craping on over there!

Q. Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A. So they can see their Air Force.

Q: How do you stop an Iraqi Tank?
A: You shoot the guys pushing it!

Q. What's the difference between Saddam and a bucket of crap?
A. The bucket

Q: Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?
A: They need a map...

Q: Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the coin toss?
A: He elected to receive...

Q: Have you heard about the new Iraqi Air Force exercise program?
A: Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them
there.

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpselike look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Here's the Plan The following 10 point non-interference plan should make the world happy!

1) The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini and the rest of them 'good old boys'. We will never "interfere" again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines and leave them on their own. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No more sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. France would welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself, don't hide here. Asylum would not ever be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers.

5) No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else.

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere". They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides' most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if any anyway.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, it would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.

(Contributed by Rick Varney)

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, The French captured an English Major. Taking the Major to their headquarters, the French General began to question him. The French General asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his quiet English way, the Major informed the general that the reason English Officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why from that day onward, ALL French Army Officers wear brown pants.

Saddam's doctor called a meeting of all Saddam's body doubles.

"Men, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news.

The good news is Saddam is still alive.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong.....The French are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat."

The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?" I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"

The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.

An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, who they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise and eat well so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. Then when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow, and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just.........................A Common Tater

At the first sign of hot flashes eat the RED one.

Eat the ORANGE one to minimize depression.

The GREEN one calms your frustrations, when you want to be left alone.

If you feel a headache coming on eat the PURPLE one.

The BLUE one reduces bloating.

You can eat the "BROWN" ones ANYTIME!!

If all symptoms occur at the same time,

Eat the WHOLE BAG!

IDIOTS AT THE PHONE COMPANY

This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?"

I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?)

IDIOTS AT WORK

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she couldn't complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt.

As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask!"

IDIOT SIGHTING #2

The stop light on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

IDIOT SIGHTING #3

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to down-sizing. Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey", I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know -I already got that side."

NOW, DON'T YOU FEEL A LITTLE SMARTER?!!!

17. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an asshole.

16. Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."

15. The proctologist called...they found your head.

14. Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.

13. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

11. I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

10. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

9. Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

8. Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody But Me."

7. Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

6. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

5. If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

3. Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

2. Hang up and drive!!

AND THE NUMBER ONE BUMPER STICKER YOU'D LIKE TO SEE!!

#1. Welcome to America...now speak English !!!

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border. To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along side the road.

A short distance away, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive. They cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth and I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, "Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!"

He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, "Bill Clinton, Tom Daschle, Ted Kennedy and most of your Democrats are unprincipled, lying pieces of trash too!"

"We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."

Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my husband passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him..."Take me ...young man...Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!" ...And that's when I shot the little bastard

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm very sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

(Contributed by Sharon Wilson)

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass. The results were pretty interesting.

85% of women think their ass is too big... 10% of women think their ass is too little... The other 5% say that they don't care - they love him and would have married him anyway.

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him for this loving woman who fulfilled this commandment to "Go forth and multiply." In his eulogy, the preacher said, "Lord, they're finally together,"

Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked, Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The neighbor replied, "I think he means her legs."

The ruler of a small island kingdom was well-loved. Each year, his subjects gave him a new throne. To make room, he put the old throne in the attic of his grass house. Eventually, the attic floor collapsed. That led to the classic saying, "People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones."

(Contributed by The Dude)

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in.

The first biker walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second biker walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter.

The third biker walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

My favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is the one that says "First Iraq, then France'.
Tom Brokaw

"The French announced today that they would not help us remove Saddam from Iraq. Well Duh! They didn't even help us remove Hitler from France."
Jay Leno

France...a beautiful country...but... the French live in it..
Jim Clark

"France said this week they need more evidence to convince them Saddam i a threat. Yeah, last time France asked for more evidence it came rollin thru Paris with a German Flag on it."
Dave Letterman

Why are all the highways in France lined with trees? So the Germans can march in the shade!!!

The French – they taught us to stick our tongue into a ladies mouth. I always thought you stuck something else, somewhere else.

The Dude

France has neither winter, nor summer, nor morals. France is miserable because it is filled with Frenchmen, and Frenchmen are miserable because they live in France.
Mark Twain

War without France would be like...uh...World War II.

Unknown

The best French bashing line heard over the last week is: "It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us."

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah!"

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom. The other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.

Brace yourself; this is going to hurt...

Really bad...

WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!!!

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice. He had always hated Math, so, he asked his secretary for some Mathematical help.

He asked her, "If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

She replied, "Everything but my earrings."

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," says Mrs.. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on."

A week later Mrs.. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.

"Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor."

"What happened?" asks the doctor.

"Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."

"What was terrible?" said the doctor, "was the sex not good?"

"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again."

A man who flew his own plane got tired of the long auto trip from the airport to his country place which was situated on a lovely lake. So he had the idea of equipping his plane with pontoons so he could land right in front of his cottage.

However, on his first trip up to the country with his newly-equipped plane, he headed for a landing at the airport just as he always had done in the past. Old habits are hard to break.

But as he was going in for the landing it dawned on his wife what was happening and she hollered, "What do you think you're doing? You can't land this thing on the runway. You don't have any wheels, you've got pontoons on it!" Fortunately, her warning shout was in time and he pulled up from his landing pattern and swung the airplane around, and headed the plane for a landing on the lake.

After the plane landed safely on the lake he heaved a really big sigh of relief and turned to his wife and said, "That's about the stupidest thing I've ever done!" And then he turned, opened the door and stepped out and fell directly into the lake.

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard.

"Sand," said the cyclist.

"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.

The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.

Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.

A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"