Florida Dude - Joke of the Day

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April 2004

April 1, 2004

Chicken Feathers

(Contributed by Annie Suggart)

A little boy and girl at school were having lunch in the shelter shed. "Tommy", she said, "I'm not eating any more chicken sandwiches."

"Why?" he asked.

"Cause I'm starting to grow feathers down here", she said, pointing to the bottom of her tummy.

"I don't believe you", he said, "you'll have to show me".

Behind the shed they went, where the inspection took place.

"Gee, you're right", he said. "I've been eating a lot of chicken, perhaps I'm getting feathers too".

"Well, I'd better have a look," she said.

After a lengthy examination, she looked up and said, "Oh, I think it's too late for you, you've already grown a long neck and giblets too"!

April 2, 2004

Curtain Rods

(Contributed by Cecilia Keasler)

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. He wanted to continue living in their downtown luxury apartment with his new lover so he asked his wife to move out and get another place.

His wife agreed to this, provided that he would give her 3 days alone at the apartment to pack up her things. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the half-eaten shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the apartment began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive carpet.

Finally, they could not take it any longer and decided to move. They could not find a buyer for their stinky apartment so they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home... ...including the curtain rods.

Don't Get Mad. . .Get Even !

April 3, 2004

The Dentist

(Contributed by Annie Suggart)

There was this guy who went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. First off the dentist said, "I'll give you a shot to numb your jaw."

But the guy said, "No, please don't do that, I'm afraid of needles."

The dentist said, "OK, I'll get out the gas to put you to sleep."

However the guy said, "Nope, I'm allergic to the gas."

So the dentist said, "Just a minute, I'll go look for something else." After awhile he came back with a couple of pills.

The guy asked, "What kind of pills are those?"

The dentist said, "Viagra."

The guy said, "WHAT! Why these?"

The dentist said, "They won't help the pain, but they'll give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."

April 4, 2004

The Reporter

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

Two boys in Boston were playing basketball when one of them was attacked by a rabid Rottweiler running loose through the neighborhood. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off of a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar, twisted it, and broke the dog's neck.

A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald happened to witness the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline: "Brave Young Celtics Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal."

"But I'm not a Celtics fan," the little hero interjected. "Sorry," replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I just assumed you were."

Hitting the delete key, the reporter began "John Kerry Fan rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack."

"But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds.

The reporter says, "Oh come on. I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Celtics or Kerry or Kennedy. What team or person do you like?"

"I'm a Houston Rockets fan and I really like G.W. Bush!" the boy exclaimed.

Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again, "Arrogant, Little, Conservative Bastard, Kills Beloved Family Pet..."

April 5, 2004

Dealing With A Lawyer

(Contributed by Philip St. John)

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

April 6, 2004

Grandma's Idea

(Contributed by Buster Sutton)

One day, Jimmy is walking home from school. When he gets home, he finds his grandpa sitting on the Porch without any pants on!

So he goes up to his grandpa and says "Grandpa, do you realize that you're not wearing any pants?" His grandpa replies "Yes Jimmy, I do."

Jimmy then says "Well, why are you outside without any pants on Grandpa?"

His grandpa looks at Jimmy and responds "Well Jimmy, yesterday I sat outside without a shirt too long, and I got a stiff neck. This was your grandma's idea."

April 7, 2004

Don't Worry. . .Be Happy. . .

(Contributed by Jim Clark)

A mother was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

April 8, 2004

Cheap Suits

(Contributed by Hazel Henderson)

Bubba and Billy Bob, who are from Alabama travel to North Carolina to visit a relative. They are walking along the street, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair.

" Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Bob, "Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Alabama, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Now when we go in there you be quiet, okay? Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Carolina drawl so's they don't know.

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Carolina drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and .."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll are from Alabama, ain't you?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba......... "How come you know that?"

The owner says, "Because this is a dry-cleaners."

April 9, 2004

Meeting At The Pearly Gates

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates, and are comparing stories on how they had died.

First woman-- "I froze to death."

Second woman -- "You froze to death -- how horrible!"

First woman-- "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

Second woman -- "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV."

First woman -- "So what happened?"

Second woman- - "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere, that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down to the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."

First woman-- "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive."

April 10, 2004

Just Cut Your Hair

(Contributed by Berry Anderson)

A young man comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's license and I would like to use the family car."

Father replies, :"O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see."

Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?"

Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."

Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."

Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went."

April 11, 2004

Three Stupid Guys

(Contributed by Eddie Morrison)

Three stupid guys just died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first man, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The man replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday in November when everybody gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful..."

"WRONG," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second man the same question, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The second man replies, "No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second man, shakes his head in disgust, looks at the third man and asks, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The third man smiles and looks St. Pete in the eye.

"I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and He was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took Him to be crucified and was stabbed in the side, made Him wear a crown of thorns, and He was hung on a cross. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder. Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if He sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter."

April 12, 2004

Shingles

(Contributed by Annie Suggart)

Doesn't it seem that more and more physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?

Here's what happened to Buford:

Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

Buford said, Shingles.

So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Buford what he had.

Buford said, Shingles.

So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, Shingles.

So she gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had.

Buford said, Shingles.

The doctor looked at him and asked, Where?

Buford said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?"

April 13, 2004

How Old Am I

(Contributed by Tom Cronk)

Young 13 years-old Jenny woke up one morning wondering about her age. Her grandparents have been staying at her house for a week, and so she went to her grandmother.

"Grandma?" said Jenny. "Yes Dear?" replied her grandmother.

"How old am I?" asked Jenny.

"Well, honey..." replied the grandmother, and after a few moments of thinking she answered - "You're 13."

"Wow grandma! How did you find that out?" wondered Jenny.

"Well, Jenny, last year you celebrated your 12th birthday, so I made the math and reckoned you're now 13."

"Thank you grandma! You're so smart!" Said Jenny, and headed off to her grandfather.

"Grandpa, grandpa, how old am I?" asked Jenny.

"Well, Jenny...." Said the grandfather, and after a few moments of thinking said- "Take off your blouse...". So Jenny took off her blouse.

"Now take off your pants." said the grandfather. Jenny took off her pants with a bewildered look.

"Now your bra" said the grandfather. Jenny took off her bra, staying topless.

"And your panties" said the grandfather. Jenny took off her panties, now completely naked.

The grandfather examined her for a few minutes and then said- "Well, Jenny, you're 13!"

"Wow grandpa!, " Said Jenny, amazed, "How could you tell?"

"I heard grandma." said the grandfather.

April 14, 2004

Midget In Texas

(Contributed by Gerry Jones)

A midget in Texas went to the doctor because his testicles ached almost all the time. The doctor told him to stand on the examining table and drop his pants. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough (the usual method to check for a hernia).

"Aha!" mumbled the doc, and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor again as he reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip, snip, snip, snip to the right side, then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, to the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if his testicles still ached.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

Gleefully, the midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it... What did you do?"

The Doctor replied, " I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

April 15, 2004

Learning Information

(Contributed by Harvey Thomas)

Pat and Mike were walking down the street, when they came to the church, Pat says, 'Mike, you wait here, I'm going to run in for confession, it's been a long time'.

Pat enters the confessional and says,' Father forgive me, I have sinned with a married woman'.

The priest asks, 'was it Mrs Murphy'? 'no, Father', was the reply.

'Was it Mrs O'Boyle'? Again the reply was 'No, Father'.

'Was it Mrs. O'Grady'? Pat said, Father, I'll not be telling you the lady's name!

So the priest told him to say two Hail Mary's for each time he had sinned with the woman.

Back on the street, Mike said, 'Well, how did you do'? Pat said, 'Just fine, I kept me mouth shut and got 3 new prospects'!

April 16, 2004

4 Basic Food Groups

(Contributed by Butch Henderson)

The 4 Basic Food Groups for Police Officers

1. Glazed
2. Jelly
3. Powdered
4. Chocolate Frosted

April 17, 2004

Fighter Pilots

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

April 18, 2004

One Mean Bear

(Contributed by Bob Yearwood, Sr.)

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs.

The bartender says, "You are now!!! That was a barbitchyouate."

April 19, 2004

Strange People Are Here

(Contributed by Cecil McBride)

There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.

After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life.

'I'm fine, ' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.'

'Well, ma laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate with people like that.'

'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.'

April 20, 2004

Redneck Shorts

(Contributed by Shaun Szarnicki)

An Okie redneck passed away and left a sizable estate to his beloved widow. However, she can't touch it until she turns fourteen.

Folks in Georgia now go to the movies in groups of 18 or more since they were told that in some theaters "17 and under are not admitted"

The minimum drinking age in Tennessee was raised to age 32 in an attempt to keep alcohol out of high schools.

You can tell if an Okie redneck is married. There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.

The governor's mansion in Little Rock was almost destroyed by fire. In fact, the entire trailer park was almost lost.

The best thing to ever come out of Mississippi is Interstate 10.

An Alabama State trooper stopped a redneck in a pickup truck for weaving on the roadway. He asked the driver, "Got any ID?" The redneck said, "Bout what?"

April 21, 2004

Terminology

(Contributed by Sharon Brinkley)

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!”

April 22, 2004

Question & Answer

(Contributed by Larry Weaver)

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

A: Run like hell ! She's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

April 23, 2004

Some Things In Life Are Certain

(Contributed by Tammie Mason)

One night, a man goes to brothel. He is well dressed and in his early 50's. He approaches the madam who manages the brothel.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Natalie" the man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Natalie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever comes back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went
upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man.

"No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

"Newburgh, New York ," he replied.

"Really?" she said. "I have family in Newburgh."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is:

Some things in life are certain................
Taxes, Death and Being screwed by a lawyer!

April 24, 2004

Help Me Doc

(Contributed by Buster Sutton)

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Screaming in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."

The doctor told him, "Your testicles are fine, but I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, and wired it altogether in an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the hotel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.

She said, "You're the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." Next she takes off her panties and says, "you're the first, no one has ever touched me here." Barely able to contain himself, he immediately drops his pants and replies . . . .

Look at this, it's still in the CRATE !!

April 25, 2004

Don't Arrest The Judge

(Contributed by Terry Olson)

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.

He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"

"That it is, "Irish Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."

"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.

"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.

"Well," mused Pat, "there's a lesson in this somewhere."

"That there is," replied Irish Mike...." 'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."

April 26, 2004

Cannot Explain

(Contributed by Tom Cronk)

A farmer was sitting in a bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"

The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?", the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. "Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."

"Okay", said the man "but that's not so bad."

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

The man laughed and said, "Again?"

The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain. I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. Well I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Some things you just can't explain"

"So, what did you do?" the man asked.

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...Some things you just can't explain."

April 27, 2004

Hospital Call

(Contributed by Tom Cronk)

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302. I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, and is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit.

April 28, 2004

Australian Court Case

(Contributed by Pam Underwood)

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident". I just lost it."

CASE DISMISSED!!"

April 29, 2004

Big Bad Wolf

(Contributed by Gerry Jones)

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big, bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."

The wolf jumps up and quickly runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Hey, will you knock it off....... I'm trying to shit!"

April 30, 2004

Baby Boy

(Contributed by Tom Cronk)

Michael Jackson and his new wife were sitting in a hospital room after she had just given birth to their brand new baby boy.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks, "How long should we wait to have sex?"

The doctor answers, "Wait until he's at least 14."

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