Florida Dude - Joke of the Day

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

A guy on trial for murder decides to bribe a juror so he can escape the death penalty. He tells a blonde on the jury that he'll give her $10,000 if she pushes for manslaughter. She agrees.

Days later the jury finds him guilty of manslaughter, and he's taken to jail. There he uses his one call to ring up the blonde juror.

"Thanks so much for saving me," he gushes.

"No problem. But it wasn't easy," the blonde replies. "Everyone else wanted to acquit you."

(Contributed by Ellen Butler)

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics.

How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"115," I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 150.

The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," I say.

The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5' 4".

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" I scream, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

She put me on Prozac.

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort in the mountains of Tennessee. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love".

The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window ... they're choking my ducks!"

A tall Blond and a tall Brunette are in an elevator, a shot man with a bad case of dandruff gets on. After he exits to his floor the Brunette says "That Guy could use some Head-n-Shoulders".

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."

"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

(Contributed by Lydia Dunaway)

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder"?

The old farmer replied, "Why, that's my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes".

"I'm sorry sir, we cannot allow animals in the theater," the ticket agent replied.

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls. He returned to the ticket booth, bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm, so the old farmer unbuttoned his fly so that Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge", whispered Mildred.

"What", said Marge.

"I think the guy sitting next to me is a pervert," whispered Mildred.

"What makes you think that," asked Marge.

"He undid his pants and has his thing out," answered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it. Hell, at our age, we've seen 'em all," whispered Marge.

"I thought so too," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn".

(Contributed by Herman Osborne)

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of stock, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON.

Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks: American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern Tissue Company.

I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today and millions were wiped clean!

(Contributed by Marvin Ferd)

After two years of marriage, Tom was still questioning his wife about her lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," Tom asked for the thousandth time, "how many men have you been with?"

"Baby, " she protested, "If I told you, you'd throw a fit."

Tom promised he wouldn't get angry, and convinced his wife to tell him.

"Okay," she said, then started to count on her fingers, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen.....”

John wanted to have sex with a girl in his office... but she belonged to someone else. One day, he got so frustrated that he finally went up to her and said," I'll give you $100.00 if you let me make love to you.

The beautiful girl said "No!"

John, not being deterred, said "Look, it will be fast... I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down... and I'll be finished before you pick up the money."

She thought for a moment and said that would have to consult her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend, and told him about the proposition.

The boyfriend was enthusiastic and said "Ask him for $200.00, pick up the money very quickly and he won't even be able to get his pants down.

So, she agreed to the proposal. After an hour, the boyfriend calls his girlfriend and asks what happened and what's taking so long.

She said "The bastard used coins!!!!!!!!!"

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind
the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing
the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm
sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."

Dear Tide,

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse. I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, I have to write to the Hefty bag people.

"SAGE ADVICE"

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So, he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

He then asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice: "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie."

Confused, the man went to his Parish Priest who would surely know the correct answer. He told him of the
conflicting advice he had received, and asked what he should do.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother advised, "Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks." But when the woman asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice: "Wear your sexiest negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.'"

The man did not understand. "But, Father, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"It doesn't matter what you wear," replied the Priest, "You're going to get screwed."

(Contributed by Ellen Butler)

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. "Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're Hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!"

(Contributed by Mark Anderson)

A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his local congregation:

"It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them that much."

"And it's so hot here in the summer that hell doesn't really scare them either."

A Florida State Trooper pulled alongside a speeding car on I-95. Glancing at the driver, he was astounded to see that the silver-haired woman behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn, and yelled, PULLOVER!"

"NO," the woman yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

(Contributed by Helen Armstrong)

An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"

The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"

"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"

"No," replied the man.

"Do you drink in excess?"

"No." replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life.

"Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"

The bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly ordered the few remaining depositors, the tellers, clerks, and guards to disrobe and lie face down on the floor, behind the counter.

One nervous blonde pulled off all her clothes and lay down on the floor facing upwards.

"Turn over, Judi," whispered the girl lying beside her. "This is a stick-up, not an office party!

(Contributed by Sgt. Paul Thompson)

A guy comes home in the middle of the day, finds his wife standing in the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string, high heels, and the whole apartment is flooded.

"What happened here?" he asks.

"I think the waterbed busted," says the trembling wife.

Just then a guy floats by.

"Who's that?" demands the husband.

"I dunno. Must be a lifeguard."

(Contributed by Robert Murray)

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've go to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But

to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bush tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said,

"Goodnight beautiful,"... and he sat up all night watching me."

Two guys are driving to the coast to spend the day near the ocean. Along the way they get lost. As they're driving along they see a Mexican walking along the road and decide to pull over and ask him for directions. But while pulling over, the car swerves and they accidentally hit the guy and knock him into the ditch.

Driver: Oh no, I think I accidentally hit that Mexican guy.

Passenger: Yeah, but the good news is, I think we're near the ocean. When you hit him I heard him say something about "Sunny Beach!"

Two guys from Blount County TN are sittin' in a boat on Douglas Lake fishing and suckin' down beer, when all of a sudden Bill says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."

Earl thinks over Bill's statement, takes another few sips his beer and finally replies, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

A young woman was pulled over in St. Augustine, FL for speeding. As the FL State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Florida State Police Ball."

There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

(Contributed by Henry Addison)

"The job notice posted at the University placement office advertised for someone to set up a bookkeeping system for a local dinner theater that was filing for bankruptcy.

When an eager first-year accounting student inquired, the interviewer told him that the company needed an advanced student capable of handling Chapter 11 proceedings.

"I'm sure I could do it," the student proclaimed confidently. "My class is already up to chapter fourteen."

A US Navy cruiser anchored at Pascagoula, Mississippi seaport for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner near Biloxi, Mississippi:

"My Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point, please Sir: No Jews Please."

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four handsome, smiling black officers.

Her mouth fell open and felt weak at the knees, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"

"How much for a season pass?"

A farmer got pulled over by a Florida State Trooper for speeding, and the Trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the Trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The Trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are, but I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The Trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, Officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The Trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though..."

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

Next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father, Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them, then she moved on. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

Next day they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These outfits were so loud you could HEAR them before you saw them. Once again, the two priests settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again, she nodded at each of them and said, "Good morning Fathers," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute young lady."

"We ARE priests, and proud of it, I'll have you know. But how in the world did you KNOW we are priests, dressed as we are?"

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line,
at which point the guided tour eventually arrived.

The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it."

A smartass stepped forward and asked, "Where is my father?"

There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: "Fishing off Florida."

The smartass laughed, "Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question."

The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.

The smartass said to the Ultimate Computer, "Where is my mother's husband?"

Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room. After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper said: "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."