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April 2007 April
1,
2007 Mexico (Contribute by Dave Ketler) A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale
has hit Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start
with asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troopers
to help the Mexican army control the riots. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Latin
American countries are sending supplies. The European community (except France)
is sending food and money. The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million
replacement Mexicans.
April 2,
2007 Hearing Test (Contributed by Ellen Butler) A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to,
and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her,
he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
April 3,
2007 New Secretary (Contributed by Matt Ferguson)
April 4,
2007 The Blonde & The Indian (Contributed by Perry Woods) Back in the early days of automobiles, a blonde girl is
driving through the Old West. Her car runs out of gas and an Indian comes along
on horseback and offers her a ride to a gas station. She accepts the offer.
April 5,
2007 News Release (Contributed
by Marcia Smith) President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has
announced that Mexico will not participate in the next Summer
Olympics.
April 6,
2007 I Can't Do That (Contributed by Jack Nash) Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his
stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden
saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to
learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as
one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend
pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported
back to prison before Sunday night was over.
April 7,
2007 A Couple In Love (Contributed by Richard Martin) " It's only fair to warn you Linda," he said. " I'm a golf
nut. I live...eat....sleep....and breath golf." " Well,".....Linda said, " since you are being honest, so will
I. I'm a hooker." " I see," he said pensively. Then he smiled and
said,"......It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when
you hit the ball."
April 8,
2007 Kentucky Bartender (Contributed by Pat Good) A man walked into a bar in Lexington, Kentucky and ordered a
drink. While he was sitting at the bar watching T.V, one of Hillary's political
ads came on. April 9,
2007 Trucker Talk and The Blonde (Contributed by Betty Blackburn)
April 10,
2007 Senior Citizen Date (Contributed by Ellen Butler) Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
April 11,
2007 The Blonde Joke to End All
Blonde Jokes (Contributed by Perry Woods) The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back
saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
April 12,
2007 Six Months (Contributed by John McDouglas)
April 13,
2007 Money Is No Object (Contributed by Nancy Orbison) A doctor tells a rich old man that he's going to die if he
doesn't get a new heart soon. The old man tells the doctor to search the world
for the best heart available, money is no object. A few days later the doctor
calls the old man and says he has found three hearts but they are all expensive.
The old man reminds the doctor that he is filthy rich and implores him to tell
him about the donors they came from.
April 14,
2007 A Part In The Play (Contributed by Jack Burney)
April 15,
2007 What Has Four Legs (Contributed by Tommy Jackson) April 16,
2007 I'm Going To Be A Minister
When I Grow Up (Contributed by Cheryl Hunter)
April 17,
2007 The Wait (Contributed by Perry Woods) It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening
rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies
sitting in a used car! He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in
the car. Were they trying to steal it? April 18,
2007 Two Vampire Bats (Contributed by Cathy Collins)
April 19,
2007 Please Stand Up (Contributed By Kenny Jackson)
April 20,
2007 The Taxi (Contributed by Gerry Jones)
April 21,
2007 Game Show (Contributed by Henry Battison)
April 22,
2007 Hunting Season (Contributed by Jim Clark) The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of
Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising through a campground in the
Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
April 23,
2007 The Instructions (Contributed by Perry Woods) This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides
to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at
work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The
next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at
hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30and smells the distinctive
smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a
leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to
prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint
can and it said . .........................
April 24,
2007 The Pilot (Contributed by Don Hamilton) An Air Force Officer goes to heaven and at the gate St Peter
asks him if he has ever done anything in his life that he believes makes him
worthy of admittance to heaven. The Officer flyboy replies, "Yes, I once went into a bar with
four of my pilot friends and saw two Seabees harassing a young girl at the bar,
so being a gentleman I went up to the biggest one and told him to leave this
young lady alone. When he refused I told him again more forcefully. This time I
slapped him across the face and told this Seabee to stand down." St Peter said this was a very good thing to do and asked when
the pilot did this great act. The pilot replied; about 5 minutes ago! My friends
should be here shortly!
April 25,
2007 Officer
vs Violator (Contributed by Ed Abbot) A Florida Motorcycle Officer stops a man for running a red
light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer the
violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the Officer
calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a
tirade, questioning the Officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather
explicit terms. The Officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride,
figuring "Battleship mouth and Rowboat Ass".
April 26,
2007 I Don't Understand (Contributed by Lou Carro) A fellow came home from two years at war, and his wife had a
19 month old baby. He went to his Doctor and said, "I don't understand how this
could happen." The Doctor says, "It sounds like a Grudge Baby to me." The soldier looks at the Doctor and asks, "What is a Grudge
Baby?" The Doctor replied, "Someone had it in for you..."
April 27,
2007 Typical Male (Contributed by Jami Leonard)
April 28,
2007 Masquerade (Contributed by Perry Woods) Old Man John sits down at the bar and orders a drink...He's
wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat, and a phony beard.
April 29,
2007 Two Newlyweds (Contributed by Barry Jamison)
April 30,
2007 The Veterinarian (Contributed by Jerry Bonham) She interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - *I* don't need to
ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by
looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"
The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to
give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in
a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30
feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.
He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens."
In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and
repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and
asks, "Honey, What's for dinner?"
Again, no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, What's for
dinner?"
Again, there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
(I just love this.)
"Earl, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!
A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at his desk, looking
very depressed.
"Hey, what's up with you?", he asks.
"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me."
"Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?"
"Neither, He's bald."
On their way to the gas station, every few minutes, the Indian lets out a wild
whoop that would curdle milk.
Finally, he drops her off with a final, "Yaaaaa-Hooo!" and then gallops on off.
"My god!" says the gas station guy, "What the heck were you doing to that Injun
to make him holler like that?"
"Why, nothing," says the blonde, "I just sat behind him with my arms around his
waist, holding onto his saddle horn."
"Lady," says the guy, "Indians don't use saddles!"
He said that, "Anyone who can run, jump or swim has already left the
country.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of
the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards
and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into
his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you
but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".
A couple met at Myrtle Beach and fell in love. They were discussing how they
would continue their relationship after their vacations were over.
After it went off, he stood up and announced to everyone, "Hillary is a horse's
ass!"
The bartender reached under the bar and brought out an oak club about 18 inches
long and hit the man square across the head, knocking him off his stool and onto
the floor.
After a minute or two, the man got up, straightened himself up and said to the
bartender, "I'm sorry. I didn't know this was Hillary country."
"It's not!" replied the bartender. "This is horse country!".
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want
three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen
and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair
of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is ..
an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights
is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up
a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights
and running boards, you might as well gas up!
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out
with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my
answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M.,
dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful
flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a
limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a
marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then
we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have
just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns
into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has
his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with
him?"
Edna: "No, no, no...I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was
pulled over by a woman police officer who
was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She
dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only
6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a
recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in
order", make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in
place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of
his life, to the fullest.
"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.
His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live
with my Mother-in-law".
Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you
want to live with your Mother-in-law?"
"Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"
'Well, the first one belonged to 22 year old marathon runner, never smoked, ate
only the most healthy foods, was in peak condition when he was hit by a bus. No
damage to the heart, of course. But it costs $100,000!'
The old man waving off the last part about the cost asks the doctor to tell him
about the second donor. 'This one belonged to a 16 year old long-distance
swimmer, high school kid. Lean and mean. Drowned when he hit his head on the
side of the pool. That heart will set you back $150,000!'
'Okay,' said the old man, 'what about the third heart?'
'Well this one belonged to a 58 year-old man, smoked three packs of cigarettes a
day, weighed over 300 pounds, never exercised, drank like a fish... this heart
is going for $500,000!!!'
'Five-hundred grand?!?!', the old man exclaimed, 'why so expensive?'
'Well', said the doctor, 'this heart belonged to a lawyer... so it was never
used!'
A young lad's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental
appointment.
Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked
his son if he got a part.
The boy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's
been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it, they'll be
giving you a speaking part."
Q: What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy,
and if it fell out of a tree, it would kill you?
A: A pool table.
After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,
"Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a
minister?"
"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I
figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.
Plus, everyone brings him money"
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed. . .so we're
just waiting.
Two vampire bats are hanging upside down in a cave. One of the bats feels rather
hungry. "Let's go and find some blood", he suggests.
"I don't think you can get any blood this time of the day", says the other bat.
"Well, I want some blood and I want it now!", says the first bat and prepares to
take off. "Are you coming or what?"
"Don't be stupid, you'll just waste your time", says the second bat. So the
first bat flies anyway. After a few minutes he is back with blood smeared all
over his face.
"Where did you manage to find blood this time of the day?", asks the second bat.
"Well, do you see that tree out there?", says the first bat and points at a tree
outside the cave, "Do you see that tree?"
"Yes", says the second bat, "of course I see it".
"Well, I didn't", replies the first.
One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He
stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is
stupid please stand up?"
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
"Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a moron?" the professor
asked.
The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by
yourself."
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on
the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus,
drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking
driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened
passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the
shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my
first day driving a cab. Until this job, I had been driving a hearse for the
last 25 years."
Our parents got divorced when we were kids and it was kind of cool. We got to go
to divorce court with them. It was like a game show. My mom won the house and
car. We're all excited. My dad got some luggage.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To
Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing
around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One
quickly fired a .454 into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled
the bleeding , semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long
clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the
bed of their truck while the third tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the
cab.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my
blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter
hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists but now
I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"
"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has
access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure don't
know anything about bear hunting! Is the bait holding up, or do we need to go
back to Massachusetts and get another one?"
wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over
her leather jacket.
You'll love this .
Yep . I know you will . .
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS
The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with
writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative
portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature.
The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy
points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The Officer then
removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says,
"That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an Ass Hole!"
Three months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a bad record he is
about to lose his license and has hired an Attorney to represent him. On the
stand the Officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross
examination the defense attorney asks; Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of
the citation you issued my client?
Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine,
same number at the top.
Attorney: Officer , is there any particular marking or notation on this citation
you don't normally make?
Officer: Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH",
underlined.
Attorney: What does the AH stand for, officer?
Officer? "Aggressive and Hostile Sir"
Attorney: Aggressive and hostile"
Officer: "Yes Sir?
Attorney: Officer,,,, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Ass Hole?
Officer: Well Sir, You know your client better than I do!
A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. "It sounds as if
you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me you
were planning to visit Colorado?"
"Well," the husband said, "we changed our plans because, uh..."
His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Fred!" He feel silent, and she continued,
"You know, it's just ridiculous. Fred simply will NOT ask for directions."
The bartender sets John's drink down and asks, "Going to a costume party, John?:
"Yeah," John answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," argues the barkeep.
"That's right..." says John. "My last four scores were seven years ago!"
Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on the way to their honeymoon
boat cruise. The husband says, "Honey, I want to stop and pick up some condoms
before we go."
"Good idea," she says. "While you're in there, pick me up some Dramamine (sea
sickness medicine)."
The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore and says to the clerk, "I'd like a
box of condoms and a package of Dramamine, please."
"Yes sir, says the clerk, "but do you mind if I ask you a question? If it makes
you nauseous, why do you do it?"
A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her
all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc.
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a
prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if *that*
doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."
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