Break In

Contributed by Alice Scottsdale

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "We had $100 when we broke in!"

I Thought You Were My Wife

Contributed by Johnny Barnes

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

Blonde Question

Contributed by Jacki Underwood

Q: What do you call one blonde blowing into another blondes ear?

A: Data Transfer!

It's The Drinking

Contributed by The Florida Dude

The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.

"I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said. "I think it's the drinking."

"Okay," the patient said. "Can we get an opinion from a doctor who's sober?"

Health Exam

Contributed by Ellen Butler

A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping unclothed on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy but I have the breasts of an 18 year old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55 year old butt?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

Married 50 Years

Contributed by Bryan "Buck" Mahan

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one ... "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father, "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."

Bush Decision

Contributed by Jim Fishburn

President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'

Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big boobs.

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big boobs?  Why kill a blonde with big boobs?'

Bush turns to the bartender and says,

'See, I told you, no one gives a crap about the 140 million Muslims'.

Evolution

Contributed by Perry Woods

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"

The Mother answered, "Well, dear, the Bible says, God made Adam and Eve. They were the first parents. They had children and, from them, all mankind was made."

A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were apes and monkeys, and over time, we developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"

The Mother answers, "Well, my dear, it is very simple . I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."

The Colonoscopy

Contributed by Jim Clark

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me .  She said that he would only be a few minutes

After putting on the gown tha t she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:

A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer ..

When the doctor finally came in I said, 'Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for, But can you tell me what the BEER is for?

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door ...

He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse . . . . Darn it Evelyn !!!

I said a BUTT LIGHT.

The Genie

Contributed by Howard Meagle

Three famous men – Alexander, Osama bin Laden and Marty Shayne are all working together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. “I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total”, says the Genie.

Alexander says, “I used to be a deejay. I want to be a deejay again heard around the world. I want to always make my listeners laugh.

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, Alexander’s radio show could be heard on the #1 station in every market.

Osama was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq, and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.”

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

Marty Shayne then said, “I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.”

The Genie explains, “Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out. It’s virtually impenetrable.”

Shayne sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says,

“Fill it with water.”

Doctor's Decision

Contributed by Perry Woods

A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Grandpa and Grandpa

Contributed by Brenda Baker

Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

Gas Prices

Contributed by Ellen Butler

I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas....

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

Hillary

Contributed by Tom Cronk

After Bill had spent several days campaigning for her and had lost his temper many times, costing her votes and finally escaping from her overly controlling campaign manager for the evening, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

'There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year just after you lose the election.' Then the soothsayer looked up and locked eyes with Hillary, who was visibly shaken at this news.

Hillary stared back at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.

She looked back, deep into the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her the big question:

'Will I be acquitted?'

Don't Worry

Contributed by Ben Meggett

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. 

As he was about to get the anesthesia, 
he asked to speak to his son. 

'Yes, Dad, what is it?'

'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if i t doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife....'

Wrong Question

Contributed by Perry Woods

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He saw me he said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long."

The mistress stated: "Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night."

The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work, opens the door, takes one look, and says: "Hiya Batman, what's for dinner?"

Mixed Bag

Contributed by John Smith

There was this fellow that was half Jewish and half Irish.  The Irish half wanted to drink all the time.

The problem was...the Jewish half never wanted to pay for it.

Changed Her Mind

Contributed by Perry Woods

Judge to prostitute, "So when did you realize you were raped?"

Prostitute, wiping away tears: "When the check bounced."

Just Fred

Contributed by Cecilia Johnson

A cop stops a biker for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

''Fred,'' he replies.

''Fred what?'' the officer asks.

''Just Fred,'' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ''Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?''

The biker replies, ''It's a long story, so stay with me.'' I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency,and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, D DS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.

"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.''

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Lets Reconsider That

Contributed by Rodger Smith

Steve's barn burned down. Julie, his wife, called the insurance company and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."

"Whoa there, just a minute, Julie, it doesn't work like that. We will assess the value of the building and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." the agent replied.

Julie, after a pause, said, "Well, in that case, I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

Contributed by Perry Woods

A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn’t gotten the license number. “What kind of car was he driving?” the husband asked.

“I don’t know,” she said. “I never can tell one car from another.”

At that, the man decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.

It worked.

About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her face. “Darling,” she said. “I hit a Buick!”

Well Trained

Contributed by Ed Abbot

A young farm couple, Homer and Daisy, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'.

In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.

Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.

"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Daisy's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office.

"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"

"Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Daisy'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home agin."

"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.

"Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started!"

Don't Pee In The Pool

Contributed by The Florida Dude

Little Marty was approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," insisted Little Marty.

"That may be," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

How Do You Do It?

Contributed by Howard Meagle

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' she replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, “Florida State”.

(Editors Note:  Bet he was blonde also...)

Defective Nails

Contributed by Tom Michaels

Two guys were doing construction on a house. One of them who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, and then either toss it over his shoulder or nail it into the siding.

The other guy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first guy explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed towards me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it into the siding."

The second guy was outraged. He yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed towards you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

Molly The Camel

Contributed by Sgt Tom Cronk

A new marine captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the sergeant why the camel is kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'.

That's why we have Molly The Camel.'

The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No, not really, sir......they usually just ride the camel into town......where the girls are.'

Older Love

Contributed by Dave Cuva

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.

He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, 'You need a piece of tail.'

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,

'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!'

Word Truth

Contributed by Harriet Mendelssohn

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Stevie, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate."

He says to her, "that word is too big. I have no idea what it means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

Golf Balls

Contributed by Gerry Jones

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'Its golf balls'.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked;

'Does that hurt as much as tennis elbow?'