Florida Dude - Joke of the Day

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent.'

In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'

Q: What did the baby digital watch say to the mommy analog watch?

A: "Look Ma, no hands!"

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. 'What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!'

'I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles.'

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says... 'You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!'

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.

"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

After gunning his BMW the wrong way down a one-way street, the rather intoxicated young man was asked where he thought he was going by a curious Police Officer.

“I’m not really sure,” confessed the drunk, “but wherever it is, I must be late, because everybody seems to be coming back already.”

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.

Nurse: Good morning Mr. Smith, you seem to be coughing much more easily this morning.

Mr. Smith: That’s because I’ve been practicing all night.

Contributed by Jeremy Fergusson

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in union. "Okay, Dad. You get the toy."

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air. The wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to
earth.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

You look for a place in the stream where there's a sunken log or hole where the big ones like to hang out.

When the trout sticks his head out of the water to see what happened to the sugar cookie, you hit him over the head with a baseball bat!

Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before
St. Peter.

He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ...

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

A drunk stumbles up to a woman in a bar and says “Hey baby, how about coming back to my place for a nightcap?

“That’ll be the day!” she says

”Well, howzabout having dinner with me tomorrow night then?”

“That’ll be the day!” she says

“Okay, why don’t we take my corporate jet and spend the weekend in Rome?”

“This’ll be the day.” She says.

Jim and Bob are golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine and climbs down in search of it.

Jim spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to Bob in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, I got trouble down here."

Bob calls out, "What's the matter Jim?"

Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron. You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said 'Oh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'

Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. 'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed 'What did you do that for?'

Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Kurt and his wife, Leigh Ann, listened
To the instructor declare:

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are
Important to each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite
Flower?"

Kurt leaned over, touched Leigh Ann's arm gently, and whispered, "Gold
Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?"

And thus began Kurt's life of celibacy.

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'im-peckable' (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'im-peckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills.

Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.

Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate."

So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."

The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."

Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.

All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air. BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm. Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.

Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right?"

As she pulls up her panties she says, "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen!"

Q: What is the difference between in-laws and out-laws?

A: Out-laws are wanted.

Joe's wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch. His wife, with hurt feelings, said,"What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?"

Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."

A senior citizen said to his eighty -year old buddy:

"So I hear you're getting married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well, then, is she good in bed?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"

Contributed by Rebecca Armistead

A woman answered her front door and found Little Johnny and Billy holding a list.

"Lady," Johnny explained, "we are on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

2. I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

3. He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

4. Why was the ink drop sad? Because her dad was in the pen and she didn't know how long the sentence would be!

5. The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached.

6. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

7. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

A Mexican, a Black, and a Florida Redneck were walking together on a beach When the Black stumbled over a bottle in the sand. He picked up the Bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie appeared.

"I can only grant three wishes," the Genie said. "Since there are three of you, you may have a wish apiece." Pointing at the Black man, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish."

The Black studied for a moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland of Africa."

Poof! It was done! Hundreds of ships appeared on the skyline.

The Mexican said, "I weesh for enough Chevy peekups to take all my people back to our homeland, May-he-co!"

Poof! It was done! Row after row of Chevrolet Pickups appeared on the beach.

Turning to the Redneck, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?"

The Redneck watched as the loaded pickups began moving toward the border, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing off into the sunset and said,

"Just give me a cold Beer. It doesn't get any better than this!"

A guide was showing Niagara-Falls to a man from Florida and said; I’ll bet you don’t have anything like this in Florida.

The Floridian said; nope, but in Florida we have some retired plumbers who can fix it.

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

"Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"

"I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself?"

The prison officer tells the warden, “Sir, I have to report that ten prisoners have broken out.”

The alarmed warden says, “Blow the whistles, sound the alarms, alert the police.

With a surprised look the officer says, “Shouldn’t we call the doctor first – it looks as if it might be measles.

Two convicts were sitting on their cot in a jail cell. One says to the other, "I hear you’re getting out in a few days. Tell me something are you going straight, or are you going back into politics?"

Bryan walks into the Pub and sits down and orders a beer. Helen the bartender serves him then asks him, "Do you know how to fry toilet paper."