A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"

The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"

"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"

"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"

"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."

"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"

"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."

"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"

"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"

The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"

"I found it."

Discussing The Tax Rates

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book. . .the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

Where Is This Place?

A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town in Flori-DUH spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.

Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat.

At the counter, the man said to the waitress:
"My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."

The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."

Things To Ponder

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

The Burglar

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes," said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a stupid name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot would name a parrot Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."

The Pirate

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar in Flori-DUH. The two men take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas.

The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eye patch. He asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?

"Well," replied the pirate, "while my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant. I was arrested and my hand was cut off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch?"

"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook..."

What Is The Most Damaging Food?

A Dietician was addressing a large audience at Flagler College in St. Augustine, Florida.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.  Red meat is awful.  Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water."

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"

Going Crazy With Confusion

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

After staring blankly with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"

The Divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

A man walks into a bar, orders three mugs of Bud and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The man replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia,
the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Florida. When we all left home, we promised
that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink
one for each o'my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The man becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The man looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife had us join a Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking - Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Sign over Gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix"

At a military hospital door to colonoscopy:
"To expedite your visit, please back in"

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip....call your plumber"

On a Home Improvement truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed"

Tire Shop:
"Invite us to your next blowout"

Door to Plastic Surgeon's Office:
"Come In and let us help you pick your nose"

Towing Company
"We don't charge an arm and a leg...we just want your tows"

On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts"

On a fence:
"Salesman welcome...dog food is expensive"

Muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary...we hear you coming"

Car dealership:
"Best way to get back on your feet.....miss a payment"

Veterinarian's Office Waiting room
"Back in five minutes....Sit....Stay"

Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak"

Optometrists Office:
"If you don't see what your looking for...you've come to the right place"

Electric Company:
"We would be DE-LIGHTED if you pay your bill. However, if you don't, you will be"

Restaurant Window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up"

Propane station:
"Tank heaven for little grills"

1) If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free . . .you either married it or gave birth to it.

2) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

3) My mind not only wanders . . . it sometimes leaves completely.

4) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

5) The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.

6) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

7) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness

8) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

9) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as
a bell my body said, "Listen fatty ... do it and die."

10) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

Coincidence

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

"I'm curious," the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."

Swerved To Avoid A Box

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.  Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policeman stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

*  Are You Ready For This? *

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

Road Trip

Four guys are driving cross-country together. One is from Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Florida. . . and the last one is a Yankee from New York.

A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.

The man from Nebraska turns to him and asks, "What the heck are you doing?"

The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these darned things in Idaho they're laying around on the ground; I'm sick and tired of looking at them!"

A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling husks off corn from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from Idaho asks "Why are you doing that?"

The Nebraskan replies, "Man, we have so many of these darned things in Nebraska, I'm sick of looking at them!"

Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes out the Yankee.

What Are Those For ?

A driver was pulled over by a Florida State Police Officer for speeding.

As the Officer was writing the ticket, he noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" he asked suspiciously.

"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."

"Well, show me," the Officer demanded.

The driver got out the machetes and started juggling them, starting with three, then more, and then finally seven at one time. He juggled them overhand, underhand, and behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the Officer.

As another car passed by, the driver did a double take, and said to his wife, "I've got to give up drinking!  Look at the test they're giving now."

Teaching Math in 1950:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

* * * *
Teaching Math in 1960:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?

* * * *
Teaching Math in 1970:

A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M"
of money.
The cardinality of set "M" is 100.
Each element is worth one dollar.
Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M."
The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer
points than set "M."
Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and
answer the following question: What is the cardinality
of the set "P" of profits?

* * * *
Teaching Math in 1980:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

* * * *
Teaching Math in 1990:

By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger
makes $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the
logger cut down the trees?
There are no wrong answers.

* * * *
Teaching Math in 2000:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $120.
How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit
margin is $60?

* * * *
Teaching Math in 2010:

El hachero vende un camion carga por 100$ US.
La cuesta de production es...........