If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this,
there is something very wrong with you.
 

August 3, 2003

Prayers of the Sexes

(Contributed by Andre' D'Elena)

WOMAN'S PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who's loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks. When
he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
Amen.

MAN'S PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute
nymphomaniac with huge boobs who
owns a liquor store and a boat.
Amen
 

August 4, 2003

The Balloonist

(Contributed by J.P.)

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't
know where am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees,
49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow now, it's MY fault.
 

August 5, 2003

Blonde Cop

(Contributed by Tammie Mason)

A blonde was doing 55 in a 35 mile an hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over. The female officer, who also happened to be a blonde, asked for the blonde's driver’s license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse and finally asked the blonde officer, "What does a driver's license look like?"

Irritated, the cop said, "You dummy, it's about the size of a credit card and it's got your picture on it!"

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down in the bottom.

She held it to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license,” and handed the mirror to the blonde policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle!"
 

August 6, 2003

Senior Romance

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.

The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised, but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing, but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Get serious," she replies. "I want it four times in the rocking chair!"
 

August 7, 2003

Hormonal Warning

(Contributed by Gerry Jones)

August 8, 2003

August 9, 2003

Dictionary For Women

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire".

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat, cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner".

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, "Focus...breath...push...Good Girl!"

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a pound of M&M chocolate covered peanuts.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone, who is able to create a style, you will never be able to duplicate again. See also "Magician".

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day ,when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Zillion (zil*yen) n. The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.
 

August 10, 2003

Mad Cow Disease

(Contributed by Jim Clark)

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease. The Lady: Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?

The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?

The Farmer: And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?

The reporter: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?

The Farmer: I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?
 

August 11, 2003

Definition of Barbecuing

(Contributed by Tammie Mason)

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following chain of events are put into motion:

August 12, 2003

Points to Ponder

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

1. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping", now I just go "chunky dunk".

3. The early bird still has to eat worms.

4. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

5. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

6. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press "Ctrl. . .Alt. . .Delete" and start all over?

7. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

8. My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

9. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

10. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

11. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

12. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
 

August 13, 2003

She Was Soooo Blonde

(Contributed by Jim Clark)

August 14, 2003

Pecans In The Cemetery

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.

Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me.

That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done." ........

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.
 

August 15, 2003

Bible Truth

(Contributed by Tammie Mason)

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HEBREWS"
 

August 16, 2003

Happy Anniversary

(Contributed by Jim Clark)

An elderly couple was sitting at the kitchen table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary.

"You know" she said, "We were probably sitting in the kitchen across from each other 50 years ago."

"Yea" he said, "But we were probably naked."

"So let's get naked now" she suggested.

So they both took off all their clothes and sat across from each other.

"You know" she said smiling lovingly "My nipples feel just as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago."

He replied, "I'm sure they are -- one is in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
 

August 17, 2003

Dark In Here

(Contributed by Andre' D'Elena)

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

August 18, 2003

Government Job

(Contributed by J.P.)

A guy goes to the Government to interview for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"

The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."

"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"

The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."

"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get you started."

The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"

"Well, here at the government, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of your coming in for that.
 

August 19, 2003

Scrabble

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z ' S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I 'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
 

August 20, 2003

The Three Sons

(Contributed by Harvey Hicks)

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
 

August 21, 2003

August 22, 2003

Clumsy Waitress

(Contributed by Ellen Sutherland-Butler)

A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order. "... and, what would you like to drink?" she asked. The man said he would like coffee.

The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table. "Oh my God! I am so sorry!"

"That's okay," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin. "But tell me, is this regular or decaf?"

"Regular," she replied.

"Oh great... now this thing is gonna be up all night!"
 

August 23, 2003

And You Sir. . .

(Contributed by Bob Yearwood, Sr.)

A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Oklahoma. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."
 

August 24, 2003

Bumper Stickers You Probably Missed
Because You Were Driving So Fast

(Contributed by J.P.)

Constipated People Don't Give A crap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illiterate? Write For Help.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You! Out Of The Gene Pool Now!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ax Me About Ebonics.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Boldly Going Nowhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WANTED: Meaningful Overnight Relationship.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your Proctologist Called.... He Found Your head.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

August 25, 2003

The Honeymoon

(Contributed by Heidi Hamilton)

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!"

"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"

August 26, 2003

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

(Contributed by Pam Cope)

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.
 

August 27, 2003

The Amazing Flying Dog

(Contributed by Peter Patterson)

A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, "I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll just get him."

With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. "This dog is a special dog," he tells her. "It is able to fly," he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.

"There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my', he'll bite whatever you've mentioned. Watch. "My apple!" The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously attacks an apple he has produced from his pocket.

"He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him," she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.

"Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!" she exclaims when she gets back home. "He can fly!"

The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, "Flying Dog. . .My Ass!"