Florida Dude - Joke of the Day

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Men are like ........Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like ........ Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ........ Vacations ...... They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like ........ Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ........ Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ........ Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ....... Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ........ Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like ........ Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like ........ Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ........ Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like . Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like ........ Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like ........ Parking Spots ........ All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.

"That's not my dog."

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

The teacher, during an English lesson, asked her students:

"Now tell me, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"

Little Johnny, in the back row, replied:

"A teacher!"

Federal Aviation Administration
800 Independence Avenue S.W.
Washington D.C. 20591

Dear Sirs;

I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet. Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women, we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in hope of seeing a naked woman.

We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales.

Now why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

President Bush, Senator Kerry and Ralph Nader went on a fishing trip to the South Seas Islands. While there, they were lost and shortly captured by a tribe of head hunters.

The tribal chief demand the three to be executed on the sacrificial guillotine. Senator Kerry volunteered to go first. As the blade came down, it stopped midway! The Chief said "Our gods favor you. You may go in peace."

Then President Bush then stood up to be next. Once again, the guillotine stopped midway. The Chief also let him go to favor the gods.

About that time, Ralph Nader began laughing uncontrollably. The Chief demanded to know why he thought this was so funny.

Ralph Nader replied "If you guys would oil that thing it would work!"

3 Labrador retrievers (chocolate, yellow and black colored) are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.

He replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything -- the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

Gonna give me Prozac", came the reply from the chocolate lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."

The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I crossed the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"Looks like Prozac for me too", the dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for.

"I'm a humper", the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and chocolate labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"

I hate people that send too many warnings, as much as anyone, but this one is important!

Send this warning to every Blonde you know:

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around, do not do it!

IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked!

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.

Once upon a time, a Sultan was blessed with the birth of a son after years of hoping. The boy immediately became the apple of his father's eye.

Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan said to him, "Son, I love you very much. Your birthday is coming soon. What would you like?"

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane." His father bought him American Airlines.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you are my pride and joy. Ask what you want for your birthday. Whatever it is, it's yours."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat." His father bought him the Princess Cruise Line.

Just before his son's eight birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons." His father bought him Disney Studios.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you are my life. Your birthday is coming soon. Ask what you wish. I will get for you. "His son, who had grown to love Disney, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse Outfit." His father bought him the Democratic Party

Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking...surely I cannot look that old? You may enjoy this short story.

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1971. Why?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then the son of a bitch asked, "What did you teach?"

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, and then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi, you dumbass. Someone has stolen tent."

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best...Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

BUT...the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong ... Politicians are the easiest to operate on... There's no guts, no heart, and no spine...and...the head and ass are interchangeable.

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one," whispered Becky. "Let the poison work."

CNN is reporting that Lance Armstrong may be stripped of his 6th Tour de France title. In a random check for banned substances, 3 were found in Armstrong's hotel room. The 3 substances banned by the French that were found in his hotel room were as follows:

The French officials also found several other items which they had never seen before including a testicle and a backbone.

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it.

I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Florida, the most glorious place on earth. There is the Atlantic Ocean on the East, the Gulf on the West, there are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and warm climate. The people from Florida are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God?" You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm sending them from the North every winter!

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

When the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, a lady kept hinting to her husband that he should get it fixed. But, somehow the message never sank in. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When her husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. He handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

The doctors say he will probably walk again, but he will always limp.

One day while passing a nursing home I noticed 6 old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same Nursing Home with the same 6 old ladies laying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager.

"Do you know there are 6 ladies laying naked on your front lawn?"

"Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale."

(Contributed by Cecilia Johnson)

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".

An hour later the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"

This morning--from a cave somewhere in Pakistan--Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, motel owners and cab drivers will be next

It's getting ugly...

The Physical

(Contributed by The Dude)

I went to the Family Medicine Clinic for the usual 90 day Check-Up, which is always fun.

After the tests, the Doctor Todd had his usual Desk-Side chat which began with, "How are you feeling?"

"I feel better when I don't have to come here," I chuckled.

"Do you hurt anywhere," Dr. Todd asked.

"Only where you stuck and jabbed me," was my response.

"How about sexual functions," was his next question.

I got Dr. Todd choked on his coffee with my response:

(Contributed by Shaun Szarnicki)

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's fifty dollars. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee, and her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's twenty dollars. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over, and the wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. At least tidy yerself up a bit."

Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee's World Series Game 6; sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and says something to Bill. First Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head violently.

The agent then said, "Mr. President, it was an unanimous request from the owner of the team down to the bat boy."

What really gets Bill going is when the agent tells him the fans would love it!

So Bill just shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that is what the people want."

Then Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field.

She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, and the crowd goes wild. They're cheering, applauding, and high-fiving.

Bill is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "You were right, I would have never believed that!" Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the FIRST PITCH!"

(You've got to know about Skoal tobacco to appreciate this one. For you non-Texans...the container for this snuff is very large, flat and round, and the cowboy carries it in his back Jean pocket)

Prior to her trip to Texas, Muffy (a New Yorker) confided to her sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que, take in a bona fide rodeo, and have sex with a real cowboy.

"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's oh so good. The taste is unbelievable!"

"And, I went to a real rodeo...Talk about athletes! Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop then jump off the horses and grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"

"Are you kidding? Once I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee

The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back.

He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea.

He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches.

He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!"

He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?"

The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "On my bill."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness,
you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck.

The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me...I'm drawin' disability."