Blonde Shops For Curtains

(Contributed by Marcia Smith)

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small - what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not need curtains!"

The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!"
 

Holy Water

(Contributed by Rick Hagan)

Holy Water Jerry, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Jerry's neighbors were Catholic... ..and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Jerry, and suggested that Jerry convert to Catholicism.

After several classes and much study, Jerry attended Mass... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over Jerry, he said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

Jerry's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Jerry's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Jerry, he stopped in amazement and watched.

There stood Jerry, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You were born a deer, and raised a deer, but now you are a catfish."

The Penny Scale

(Contributed by Karen Simmons)

After the holidays and all those delightful, seasonal treats, a husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tells your fortune and weight.

He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and an absolutely great lover in bed!"

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too!"
 

Sex Of A Fly

(Contributed by Tom Cronk)

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.!

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
 

Just Like Dad

(Contributed by Henry Johansson)

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like Dad!"

Her mother replied, "So what you want from me, sympathy?"
 

The Harmonica

(Contributed by Kathy Morgan)

"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for my Birthday," little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him after his special day. "It's the best present I ever got."

"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"

"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.
 

(Contributed by Bob Bluhm)

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel a little chilly.

You discover that it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

The Indoctrination

(Contributed by Peggy Chapman)

In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decided it was time for his son, 14 year old Billy Bob, to learn about the facts of life. So, he took him to the local house of ill repute, which was fronted by a beauty parlor.

Bubba introduced Billy Bob to the madam, and explained that it was time for his indoctrination to sex."

The madam said, "Bubba you've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to take care of this personally."

So, the madam took Billy Bob by the hand and led him to a room upstairs where she completed his deflowering.

Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam said, "Since this was your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave. I'm going to give you a manicure."

Two weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob ran into the madam on the main street.

Billy Bob was acting a little shy, so the madam smiled and said, "Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?"

"Yes ma'am," the boy stammered, "You're the lady that gave me the crabs then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch them."
 

Thirsty

(Contributed by Florida Dude)

A very thirsty man goes into Arnold's on US-1 in St. Augustine, FL.

As he waits to get the bartender's attention, a regular sitting next to him calls out, "I'll have another waterloo."

The bartender gives the regular a tall ice cold drink and asks the newcomer what he would like. The thirsty man points to the man next to him and says, "I have never had one, so I guess I'll have what he's having, a waterloo."

So the bartender brings the newcomer a tall ice cold drink. The man takes a long deep drink and calls out, "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"

The regular bar patron sitting next to him says, "It is water. That's all I drink," He turns to the bartender and says, "Right Lou?"
 

Single vs. Married

(Contributed by Brian Williamson)

Why are single women thinner than married women?

Single women come home, look in their refrigerator, and go to bed.

Married women come home, look in their bed, then go to the refrigerator!
 

The Blonde Guy

(Contributed by Ellen Butler)

A Blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.  He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and painting.

"What's Up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, "Daddy, Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on."

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the closet door.  Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

You rotten S.O.B., says the husband.  "My wife's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

The Cruise

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

A fellow books his first-ever cruise -- a two-week trip to Mexico -- for himself and his girlfriend.

A couple of days before the cruise, the guy's travel agent phones and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead.

The guy agrees and goes to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine and three condoms. The blonde clerk rings up the sale, and the guy goes home to pack.

The next day, the travel agent phones the guy again and says he found a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it, and returns to the pharmacy, where he buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms from the same clerk.

The following day, the travel agent calls again and says now he can book an eight-day cruise. The guy agrees, and goes back to the pharmacy, where he asks the same clerk for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

Ringing up the sale, the clerk says, "It's probably none of my business, but... If it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"
 

Twenty Dollars

(Contributed by Peggy Chapman)

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the
results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

The Poor Box

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in."
 

The Interview

(Contributed by Molly Stanford)

Martin was being interviewed for a new job. The person conducting the interview wanted to find out something about his personality, so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

Without hesitation, Martin responded, "The living one, of course!"
 

The Estimate

(Contributed by Annie Shugart)

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence. One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House of official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Jerseyian explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Tennessee."
 

The Blonde & The Chimps

(Contributed by Betty Blackburn)

A blond lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed
already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World.
 

(Contributed by Jack Shuler)

Are I a people?

No, you are a chicken.

Do chicken come from people?

No, chickens come from eggs.

Are eggs born?

No, eggs are laid.

Are people laid?

Not all people, some are chicken.
 

Single vs. Married

(Contributed by Patty Nelson)

Why are single women thinner than married women?

Single women come home, look in their refrigerator, and go to bed.

Married women come home, look in their bed, then go to the refrigerator!
 

The Gambler

(Contributed by Jack Shuler)

The IRS decides to audit Jack, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Jack shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Jack. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Jack says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Jack removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops. Jack says, "Now, I' ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." The auditor can tell Jack isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Jack removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Jack's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Jack asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Jack stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Jack's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Jack told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be happy about it."
 

Pa's Gonna Be Mad

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagon of corn on the road. A nearby farmer saw the accident and went over to have a look and found the boy trying to right the tipped wagon.

"Hey Willie," the farmer said. "Forget your troubles for a spell....its late, come have dinner with us. I'll help you with that wagon after we eat."

"That's mighty nice of you, but Pa won't like that," Willie replied.

"Aw, come on son. Take a break," the farmer insisted.

"Well, okay," the boy finally agreed. "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty meal, Willie thanked the farmer. "I feel a lot better now, but I just know that Pa will be upset."

"Nonsense," the farmer said. "Where is your pa anyway?"

"Under the wagon."

(Contributed by Bob Bluhn)

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, they took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that the son translated, "What are all these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing a trip to the moon.

When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon. Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" Then he told an underling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.


An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:

"WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."
 

AMA Report

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
 

Irishmen & Respect

(Contributed by Shaun Szarnicki)

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 playing poker and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher
 

The Punishment

(Contributed by Billy Thomas)

A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime. Their sentence was a few years in the desert. He said that they could each take one thing with them.

The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever he wants.

The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won't get thirsty.

Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door.

The judge asked, "Why in the world would you want to take a car door?" The man replies, "Just in case it gets hot, I can roll down the window."
 

Pop N. Fresh dies

(Contributed by Brenda Andrews)

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and... one in the oven.
 

Jesus And The Redneck

(Contributed by Betty Blackburn)

A man in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The man looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the man told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang! How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?"

The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold Glass of Coke, "On my bill."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the first man, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The man felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me...I'm drawin' disability."
 

Devoted

(Contributed by Shaun Szarnicki)

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working there, her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with Clearly and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too, but this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get on with Clearly.

He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank, when Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing ........... "I can see Clearly now. Lorraine has gone".

Go ahead...MOAN !
 

Sex With An Older Man

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey Oprah asked," Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable."

Mr. Burns said, "I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it."

Oprah said, "I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age."

George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it."

Oprah said, "I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?"

So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man."

George said, "The second time is even better than the first time

Oprah said, "You can really do it again at your age?"

George said, "Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes."

When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy. She said, "Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time...At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!"

George said That the third time would be even better. "You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and call me in thirty minutes."

Oprah said, "Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?"

George said, "No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet!"
 

Man On The Ladies Tee

(Contributed by Phil Landon)

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course, and I was beginning my pre-shot routine on #1, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.

"Would the gentleman on the Ladies Tee back up to the Men's Tee, please!!"

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement--"Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S Tee kindly back up to the Men's Tee."

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back, "Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?!"
 

The New Puppy

(Contributed by Rick Tallman)

We recently purchased a new puppy and she is delightful. As you know, that breed has a lot of hair in their ears and it is difficult to keep them clean. My wife went to the WalMart pharmacy today and asked the pharmacist for a bottle of hair remover. The pharmacist brought out a bottle and started telling her how to mix it with water at one strength for her legs and another for her torso.

She immediately interrupted and stated, "You don't understand, it is for my schnauzer".

The pharmacist then said, "OK use it full strength and don't ride your bicycle for a week".