(Contributed by Cecil Powell)

Two convicted murderers, who were sentenced to die by lethal injection on the same day, were led to the room where they would meet their Maker. The last rites were performed by the priest, the formal speech was given by the warden and the final prayers were said by the participants. Turning to the first man to die, the warden solemnly asked, "Son, do you have any last request?"

"Yes sir, I do," replied the condemned man. "I love dance music. Could you please play 'The Macarena' for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please, I beg you," pleaded the second man. "Kill me first."

Make Me Feel Like A Woman

(Contributed by Pat Good)

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, And things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the Plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Louisiana stood up in the Rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as He went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped... Then, he spoke...

"Iron this -- and then get me a beer.

The Seven Dwarfs

(Contributed by Kerry Pardue)

One day, the seven dwarfs left to go work in the mine. Snow White stayed home to prepare lunch. When she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst. Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that some of the dwarfs had survived.

"Hello, hello," she called. "Can anyone hear me? Hello"

For quite a while there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White called again, "Hello. Is anyone down there?"

Just as she was about to give up all hope, there came a faint voice from deep in the mine. The voice said, "Vote for Hillary. Vote for Hillary."

Snow White, somewhat relieved screamed out, "Oh, thank God... Dopey is still alive."

The Drawing

(Contributed by Andre D'Elena)

A little girl is sitting in her art class drawing a picture. The teacher walks up and asks her what she's drawing.

The little girl replies that it's going to be a picture of God.

The teacher says, "Oh, but no one knows what God looks like."

The little girl says, "Well they will in a minute!"

The Hotel

(Contributed by Dave Ketler)

A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her..... you know the kind. He copied down the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it.

Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9".

The Lawyer And The Car Wreck

(Contributed by Cokie Hamilton)

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was hopping up and down with rage, complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!" he shrieked.

"You lawyers are so materialistic it's amazing!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh no...." replied the lawyer, looking down and noticing for the first time the bloody stump where his left arm had once been.

"Where's my Rolex???"

(Contributed by Bernard Connor)

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

(Contributed by Burt Sherwood)

(Contributed by Gerry Jones)

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder.

She caught the burglar robbing her home of its valuables. She looked him in the eye and yelled, "STOP! Acts 2:38! " (' Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven').

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman then calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the police officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She told me she had an axe and two 38's!"

(Contributed by Gloria Sartin)

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and we opened the door to leave the house. The cat we had put out in the backyard scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife went out to the taxi while I went inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night...so, she explained to the driver that I would be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me, but it worked...I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out in the backyard!"

The driver hit a parked car...

Quiet

(Contributed by Clarence McMillin)

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said "Stay here and be very quiet. I'll be across the field." A little while later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son asking, "What's wrong? I told you to be quiet."

The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' I panicked..."

Wheelchair Cops

(Contributed by Jack Shuler)

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.
"STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand.

"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again!!!"

The Golf Shot

(Contibuted by Martin Butterfield)

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man - you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

What Am I

(Contributed by Jim Horst)

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh please, excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I"m blind & can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," replied the bunny. "I'm blind and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and said, "Well, you're soft and cuddly, and you have long silky ears and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!"

The bunny replied, "I can't thank you enough! But by the way, what kind of animal are you?" The snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him.

When the bunny was finished, the snake asked, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and replied, "You're soft, you're cold, you're slippery, you have a forked tongue, and you have no balls. You must be a Democrat."

Three Men

(Contributed by Roy Bauch)

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging,violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: "God, please give me the strength to cross the river" Poof!.....God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river" Poof!......God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river" Poof!.....He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

Confused Golfer

(Contributed by Cecilia Johnson)

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking
around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

"I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf ball.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.

"I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often..

! He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"

"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied.

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool.

"See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!"

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."

The Proud Papa

(Contributed by Shannon White)

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

"I've never been better," he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him? He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle...

*BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

"EXACTLY!"

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture."

Puzzled, she asks, "My picture?"

He answers, "Yes, my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a picture."

He beams and asks, "Why?"

She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED!"

The Old Lawyer

(Contributed by Pete Carmichael)

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."

What do you mean he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"

"45? You're not 45, you're 82" replied the angel.

"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."

"Hold on. Let me go check" said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned.

"Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."

Baby Names

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which causes her to fall into a deep coma.

After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the Doctor about her baby.

The Doctor replies: "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, Oh, no! Not Bubba, he's an idiot! Expecting the worst, she asks the Doctor: "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the Doctor answers. The new mother thinks, Wow! That's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise.

Then she asks the Doctor: "What's the boy's name?"

The Doctor replies: "Denephew."

(Contributed by Bruce Combs)

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and swacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

He asks, 'What was that for?'

She replies, 'What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?'

He says, 'Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.'

She is appeased and goes off to work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. He says, 'What's that for this time?'

She answered, 'Your horse called.'

The Army Deserter

(Contributed by Tom Cronk)

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Stay of Execution

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out
and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said, to which he whirled around and screamed, ' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN,
DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

Dust

(Contributed by The Florida Dude)

After church, Marty tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.

"Pastor," Marty says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."

"That's right, Marty, I did."

"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."

"Yes, I'm glad you were listening Marty. Why do you ask?"

"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"

(Contributed by Cecil Oldham)

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.

"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"

"No, Madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."

(Contributed by Arnold Bakley)

Billy Joe and Betty Lou had married under none too happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been lived together for forty five years, Billy Joe went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole of Gatlinburg, TN gasped with amazement.

A date for the hearing was set, however, and when the time came the judge demanded to know the grounds on which Billy Joe based his demand for an annulment.

"It's like this, your Honor," answered Billy Joe, "I've just learned that Betty Lou's father never had a license to carry a gun."

(Contributed by Laura Armstrong)

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself.

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"

Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."

Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

Maxine: "No, they spread."

(Contributed by Bonnie Romano)

Joe is at the Pearly Gates waiting to be admitted while St. Peter is leafing through his files to see if Joe is worthy of entry.

"Joe," says St. Pete, "I can't see that you've done anything really bad in your life but I can't see that you've done anything really good that would qualify you for Heaven. Can you tell me ANY good deed you've ever done?"

Joe thinks for a moment and says "Sure. I was driving through a bad part of town when I saw about 50 biker guys assaulting this poor girl. I slammed on my brakes, grabbed a tire iron, and walked up to this big guy who seemed to be the leader. All these guys let the girl run away and they formed a circle around me to see what I was gonna do. I laid that tire iron right across his head and he dropped like a stone. Then I turned and yelled to the rest of them "If I ever see you guys around this town again, I'll give you a real lesson in pain."

"Wow" says St. Peter, "I guess you really do qualify for Heaven. Tell me, when did this happen?"

"Oh", says Joe, "about two minutes ago."

(Contributed by Colin Daniel)

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there! I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said,

"Why don't you just put it in park?"

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

My wife is still mad at me over a teensy misunderstanding that occurred when our baby was born. She called me at work and said her water had broken.

And I said, "So, call the plumber."