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* Coral Reef * 

Just Like Coral. . .Sometimes It Is Rough. . .So Some Items Are Rated X

New Word: Ignoranus (Ig-Nor-Anus)A person who's both stupid...and an asshole.

The Jacksonville Zoo has an African Lion. The White House has a lyin' African.

Truth In Advertising

(Contributed by Dave Cuva)

Back In The Day

(Contributed by Mark Stewart)

Carnation Milk Slogan

(Contributed by Allen Good)

History Lesson

(Contributed by Dale Summers)

It was the first day of school in the USA for a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, in 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, in 1863," said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed... Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper, "Damn those Indians."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, in 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, in 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, in 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, in 2004."

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh crap, we're screwed!"

AND CHANDRASEKHAR SAID QUIETLY, "I THINK IT WAS THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, NOVEMBER 4, 2008."

A New Gun

(Contributed by Bill Hardwicke)

Ruger is coming out with a new and intimidating pistol in honor of Senators and Congressmen.
IT WILL BE HIGH DOLLAR AND LOW CALIBER...
It will be named the "Politician".
It doesn't work and you can't fire it.

Every Little Girl's Dream

(Contributed by Scott J. Smith)

 
Living Out Every Little Girl's Dream
...by growing up and marrying a pilot!

 

Warm Winter Welcome

(Contributed by Wesley Roberts)

The Other Letter

(Contributed by The Florida Dude)

Crocked Elections

(Contributed by Paul Bronson)

A politician was walking home from the county courthouse the evening of Election Day when he came upon a young boy sitting on the curb, bawling his eyes out.

"Why are you crying?" the politician asked.

"My dad died," the boy replied.

"That's terrible, when did it happen?"

"Five years ago," the boy said.

"Five years ago? And you are still this upset?"

"It's not that," the boy said. "It's just that my dad voted today, but he didn't come to see me."
 

Democrats

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

House Not Armed

(Contributed by Joe Driscrol)

Happy Halloween

(Contributed by Kerry Pardue)

New Golf Ball

(Contributed by Kerry Pardue)

Hospital Tour

(Contributed by Gerry Jones)

A wealthy woman was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's absolutely disgraceful! ...... Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

''Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay" said the woman..

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! Now tell me how that can be justified?"

The doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, but much better health plan."

Know The Difference

(Contributed by Allen Good)

Nagging Wife

(Contributed by Rodger Smith)

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.  His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?'  'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed,


'FOR PETE'S SAKE, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

Learn To Speak English

(Contributed by The Florida Dude)

For Ages 2 and Up
This Is America - Speak English !

Abstract Noun

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

Before and After Marriage

(Contributed by Burt Sherwood)

Luxury Car

(Contributed by Jack Shuler)

Luxury cars are soon to be a thing of the past. They have always been beyond my means but I  took out a luxury car last week, just to drive that sucker.

The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and options.

The seats were of particular interest. He explained the seats directed warm air to your butt during the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

I stated the car must be a Republican car.

He asked why I thought it was a Republican car?

I explained if it were a Democratic car the seats would blow smoke up your ass year 'round.

How To Serve Chicken Wings To A Man

(Contributed by Rodger Smith)

The Mustang Ranch In 1990 and $750 Billion Bail-Out Of Today

(Contributed by The Florida Dude)

In 1990 the government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.

They failed and it closed.

Now, we are trusting the economy of our country and 750+ Billion Dollars to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling booze.

Now if that doesn't make you nervous, what does???


O. J. Solution

(Contributed by Roy Bauch)

Viagra Light Switch Cover

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

The Finger of Truth

(Contributed by Jack Shuler)

Politician's Car

(Contributed by Jack Jackson)

They Don't Know Whether They Are Coming or Going

Bumper Sticker Says It All

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

Women Love Sensitive Men

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

The Christmas Card

(Contributed by Tom Cronk)

Wedding Invitation

(Contributed by Kerry Pardue)

IRS Pencil Sharpener

(Contributed by Bruce Bates)

Let's Make This Perfectly Clear

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

Let's Ride

(Contributed by The Florida Dude)

How Many?

(Contributed by Roy Bauch)

When You Know The U.S.A. Has Been In Iraq Too Long

(Contributed by Tom Cronk)

The Assault

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

The Message

(Contributed by Deborah Hassinger)

Bumper Sticker

(Contributed by Gerry Jones)

A Magazine for the Whipped Man

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

Best Political Cartoon EVER !

(Contributed by Florida Dude)

Political Truth

(Contributed by Ed Martin)

Septic Tank Pump Truck

IT Says It All

(Contributed by Howard Meagle)

Stupid Photo Winner

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

I Prefer Carter Lumber

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

Modern Day Hang Man

(Contributed by The Florida Dude)

Taliban Singles On-Line

(Contributed by Shaun Szarnicki)

DC Class Picture

(8 years after Bill Clinton left office)

(Contributed by Jack Jackson)

Virginia DMV Missed This One

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

Friendship Plaque

(Contributed by Debbie Hassinger)

A Question To Ponder

(Contributed by Jim Clark)

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty?

Gov. Jeb Bush Unveils New Plan to Protect
Florida from Hurricanes.
State gives go-ahead to Trojan Company

(Contributed by Cecilia Johnson)

Hitting The Nail On The Head

(Contributed by Bob Bluhm)

Winner of Stupid Caption Contest

(Contributed by J.P.)

 

Double Meaning

(Contributed by Jim Clark)

The Real Question

(Contributed by Roy Bauch)

Hold On

(Contributed by Jack Shuler)

Men - NOT Ladies First

(Contributed by Steve Nelson)

Mexifornia Drivers License

(Contributed by Bob Bluhm)

President Bush Deploys The
Ultimate Border Control Protection

(Contributed by Jim Clark)

Ever Wonder What Happened to Alfred E. Newman?

(Contributed by Jack Shuler)

Love / Hate Shirt

(Contributed by Bob Bluhm)


 

Fukitol Pill

(Contributed by Ellen Jane Butler)

It Speaks For Itself

(Contributed by Gerry Jones)

A Very Good Suggestion

(Contributed by The Florida Dude)

Tough week for the administration. Scandals. Leaks. Sagging poll numbers. Economy sliding. They deserve a break.

I suggest Bush and Cheney take time off....and Go hunting....
 

The First Remote Control

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

Just One Question

(Contributed by Jack Jackson)

Democrat or Republican - This is funny

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

New Florida Word: Tourons

Half Tourist - Half Moron


 

Just Looking For A Cheeseburger In Paradise

My Kinda Singer

Found It

New ParrotHeads are Born Daily !

Jimmy Buffett

Lost Shaker of Salt

In Margaritaville !

Our Leader - Mr. Jimmy Buffett

Born December 25, 1946, in Pascagoula, Miss., but raised in Mobile, Ala., Buffett describes his songs as "90 percent autobiographical," a statement attested to by his narratives of wine, women and song. He is "the son of the son of a sailor,” and he describes his grandfather's life in "The Captain and the Kid."

His father was a naval architect who often took Buffett on sailing trips. Buffett studied journalism at the University of Southern Mississippi. Working as the Nashville correspondent for Billboard magazine, he built up the contacts that led to his 1970 debut for Barnaby Records, but the album and its follow-up were not well produced.

Buffett settled in Key West, Fla., and although initially involved in smuggling, he changed his ways when offered $25,000 to make an album for ABC Records. He went to Nashville, recorded
"A White Sport Coat and a Pink Crustacean" for $10,000 and bought a boat with the remainder. The album included several story songs about misdemeanors ("The Great Filling Station Holdup," "Peanut Butter Conspiracy"), together with the lazy feel of "He Went to Paris," which was recorded by Waylon Jennings. His humorous "Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw?" was written under the pseudonym of Marvin Gardens, who made imaginary appearances at Buffett's one-man concerts. Living and Dying in 3/4 Time included his U.S. Top 30 hit "Come Monday.”

Buffett's 1974 album, A1A, was named after the access road to the beach in Florida, and he commented, "I never planned to make a whole series of albums about Key West. It was a natural process." Buffett also wrote the music for a movie about cattle rustlers, Rancho Deluxe, scripted by his brother-in-law Tom McGuane. McGuane described Buffett's music as lying "at the curious hinterland where Hank Williams and Xavier Cugat meet,” and Buffett was the first person to consistently bring Caribbean rhythms to Nashville.

In 1975, Buffett formed the Coral Reefer Band and their first album together, Havana Daydreaming. His next album, arguably his best, "Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes," included the million-selling single and Top 10 hit
"Margaritaville.” A bitter verse about "old men in tank tops" was initially omitted but was included on Buffett's irrepressible concert album, You Had to Be There. Buffett reached the Top 10 with "Son of a Son of a Sailor," which included "Cheeseburger in Paradise" (a pop hit) and "Livingston Saturday Night."

He continued to record prolifically, moving over to contemporary rock sounds, but his songs began to lack sparkle. The best tracks on two of his albums were remakes of standards, "Stars Fell on Alabama" and "On a Slow Boat to China.” Hot Water, released in 1988, included guest appearances by Rita Coolidge, the Neville Brothers, James Taylor and Steve Winwood but failed to restore him to the charts. Fruitcakes included two of his most humorous tracks, "Everybody's Got a Cousin in Miami" and "Fruitcakes" itself. The excessive length of both songs (over seven minutes each) indicated that he was ignoring potential radio and video play and merely playing for his fans.

His commercial fortunes improved in the mid-‘90s with a series of Top 10 albums on his custom imprint, Margaritaville (also the name of his store). Carnival was the soundtrack to an adaptation of Herman Wouk's Don't Stop the Carnival and an interesting stylistic diversion for the singer. In 1999, he launched his own Mailboat imprint, ending a long association with major labels. (The Margaritaville imprint was released through Island Records). He also runs Radio Margaritaville, a free-form, 24-hour Internet radio station.

His songs continue to reflect his Key West lifestyle and to quote "He Went to Paris": "Some of it's tragic and some of it's magic, but I had a good life all the way." He remains a major concert attraction, especially in Florida where he addresses his fans as “Parrotheads.” The magnificent 72-track, 4-CD box set, Boats, Beaches, Bars & Ballads, includes the Parrothead Handbook.

At the 2003 CMA Awards in Nashville, Buffett and Jackson opened the show with “It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere.” After winning the vocal event award later that night, Buffett noted, “It was about 31 years ago that I came to this town to pursue my musical madness, and I've never won anything for anything, and it's great to do it here.”

In July 2004, Buffett released "License to Chill," a new album on RCA Records Nashville. The first single, a remake of Hank Williams’ “Hey, Good Lookin’,” features guest vocals by Clint Black, Kenny Chesney, Alan Jackson, Toby Keith and George Strait. Buffett, Jackson and Strait teamed up for a concert at Texas Stadium in Dallas on May 29, 2004.

Jimmy Buffett proved he isn't "wasting away" anywhere as he topped the U.S. pop albums chart on Wednesday July 21st, 2004,for the first time in his three-decade career.

The laid-back singer/songwriter's latest effort, "License to Chill" (RCA), sold 238,600 copies in its first week of release ended July 18, according to Nielsen SoundScan.

All The Dude Can Say Is, "FINS UP!"

Trivia

Q - Where is the ONLY Lounge gig that Jimmy Buffett was fired?

A - The Tropical Trade Winds Lounge, St. Augustine, FL

Hear Jimmy's LIVE Concerts, by clicking on http://www.radiomargaritaville.com/

Before you buy a Car. . .Read This (Click Below) !!

Confessions of a Car Salesman

A MUST-READ
before you go to the Dealership

 

Click On Bird for Funny RedNeck Pictures

Kill Mosquitoes On Your Patio

(Contributed by Tammie Mason)

To keep those pesky mosquitoes at bay when you are sitting around the pool or on the patio, place a White dinner plate on a table and put a little Lemon Joy dish washing liquid in the middle.  For some reason, the Lemon scent attracts and kills the mosquitoes.

Give It A Try - It Works !

Health Ti

(Contributed by Rhea Graves)

Two weeks prior to visiting the Vilano Beach, take a 100mg, B-1 Vitamin twice per day, then one per day while at the Beach, and you won't be bothered by Mosquitoes.

The Dude Tried It. . .And It WORKS !

 
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