Florida Dude - Joke of the Day

An Army ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone, she wanted to break up and she wants pictures of herself back.

So the Ranger does what any squared away Ranger would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.

He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note: "I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back.

(Contributed By Andre' D'Elena

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note.
A window was something you hated to clean,
And ram was the father of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend,
And gig was a job for the nights.
Now they all mean different things,
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment;
A program was a TV show;
A cursor used profanity;
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age.
A CD was a bank account.
And if you had a 3-inch Floppy,
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage,
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public,
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire.
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife;
Paste you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home,
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper,
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash,
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

(Contributed By Johnny Pirkle)

Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in airplane. One guy says to the other, “Let’s talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, “What would you like to discuss?”

The first guy says, “Oh, I don’t know; how about Nuclear Power?”

The other guy says, “OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?”

The first guy says, “I don’t know.”

The other guy says, “Oh? Well then, do you really think you’re qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don’t know shit?

(Contributed By Gloria Franks)

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie on the fireplace]. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Stewart, on Martin, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho" has been replaced by "Yee Haw". And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle On 34th Street" and "It's A Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

And finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus

Two cowboys from Texas walk in to a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking beer and talking about current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the cowboys looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?"

The woman shakes her head, no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.

The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties and quickly gives her butt cheek a lap with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.

His partner says, " Ya know, I'd heard about that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

(Contributed by Gordon Dudley)

A bloke calls his mate the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His mate asks "How will I recognize him?"

That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment".

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.

”Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"? The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"? Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a Widdlebit"?

(Contributed by Jay Wilson)

   A man is struck by a bus on a busy street. He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers. "A preacher. Somebody get me a preacher!" the man gasps. Minutes drag on and no one steps out of the crowd.

   A policeman checks the crowd and finally yells, "A PREACHER, PLEASE! Isn't there a preacher in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"

   Finally, out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a preacher. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."

The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the man can get through to where the injured man lay. The old Jewish man kneels down, leans over the prostrate man and says in a solemn voice:

"B-4 I-19 N-38 G-54 O-72. . ."

I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play and full of energy. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be waiting at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight week-old Black Labrador Retriever.

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at
the airport. It was after midnight.

While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch
her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and
there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't
do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I
inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for
our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for
our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches
a cold."

A lady had been married to a farmer all of her life. They had cows and horses on their farm and also grew a number of crops for sale at the local farmers market. While shopping at the local grocery store for a few items that she and her husband did not raise or grow for themselves, she came across a contest form while in the store. So she completed their jingle and mailed it off to the Carnation Milk Company in an effort to win a cash prize which had been offered for the best entry regarding those little cans of milk found on grocery shelves. Carnation had furnished the first line of the jingle with these words, "I like Carnation best of all" and the submitter had only to complete the remainder of the jingle on their entry form. Each contestant could only use 50 words or less.

A couple of months later, the woman was surprised when a Carnation Milk representative came to her door and told her that her entry was the best one submitted. However, it was unfortunate that the company could not publish it.

In lieu of that later fact, they had decided that her entry was worth at least a consolation award and provided her with a company check in the amount of $1000 for her creativity. Here is her entry:

(Contributed by Johnny Pirkle)

A little Jewish woman, called Mount Sinai Hospital, and said, "Hello, darling, I'd like to talk with the person who provides the information regarding the condition of your patients .I want to know if the patient is getting better, doing like expected, or is getting worse."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

She said, "Yes, darling! she's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! that's fantastic, darling!... That's wonderful news!"

The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"

She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! My doctor doesn't tell me shit!"

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the check-ride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

Once: upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys
into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

**** Men keep scrolling.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

****Men keep scrolling

By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen !!

(Contributed by Buster Sutton)

1.You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2.You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

3.Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4.The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

5.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

6.You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

7.You come back from the dump with more than you took.

8.Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

9.You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

10.You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

11.You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

12.You have a rag for a gas cap.

13.Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

14.You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

15.You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

16.Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

17.You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.

18.You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say CoolWhip on the side.

19.The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

20.You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

21.You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

22.Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

23.You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck the party!" She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again." He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party." She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again." He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!" And he hangs up.

Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out." He says, "Vy?" They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."

He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?" She says, "Yes?" He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya!"

1971: Long hair
2001: Longing for hair

1971: The perfect high
2001: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1971: KEG
2001: EKG

1971: Acid rock
2001: Acid reflux

1971: Moving to California because it's cool
2001: Moving to California because it's warm

1971: Growing pot
2001: Growing pot belly

1971: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2001: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1971: Seeds and stems
2001: Roughage

1971: Popping pills, Smoking joints
2001: Popping Joints

1971: Killer weed
2001: Weed killer

1971: Hoping for a BMW
2001: Hoping for a BM

1971: The Grateful Dead
2001: Dr. Kevorkian

1971: Going to a new, hip joint
2001: Receiving a new hip joint

1971: Rolling Stones
2001: Kidney stones

1971: Being called into the principal's office
2001: Calling the principal's office

1971: Screw the system
2001: Upgrade the system

1971: Disco
2001: Costco

1971: Peace sign
2001: Mercedes logo

1971: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2001: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1971: Taking acid
2001: Taking antacid

1971: Passing the drivers test
2001: Passing the vision test

1971: Whatever
2001: Depends

(Contributed by Buster Sutton)

Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.   Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to
the bells.

Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was too.   But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all!! Zeb went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.   He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.

Brewster was an overnight sensation. The judges not only awarded him the:

(Contributed by Jay Wilson)

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, A woman is a bundle of contradiction, She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse, But will tackle a stranger alone in the house. Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose, She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk, She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk; At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad, She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

MOODS OF A MAN

Hungry. Horny. Sleepy

What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it
is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost
went un-noticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey
Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They
put his left foot in - and then the trouble started...

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your Ears ever get cold?"

Corporate Lessons

(Contributed by Rob Parnell)

Corporate Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that ?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me ?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in advance with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129 ?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129 ?"

Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

Corporate Lesson 3
A sales representative, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me First !" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next !" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life beside me." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

MALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Put down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6 Put window up
7 Drive off

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to cash machine
2 Reverse, back the required amount to align car window to machine
3 Set parking brake, Put the window down
4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
5 Turn the radio down
6 Attempt to insert card into machine
7 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
8 Insert card
9 Re-insert card the right way up
10 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
11 Enter PIN.
12 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13 Enter amount of cash required
14 Check make up in rear view mirror
15 Retrieve cash and receipt
16 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside
17 Place receipt in back of checkbook
18 Re-check make-up again
19 Drive forward 2 feet
20 Reverse back to cash machine
21 Retrieve card
22 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
23 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers in line behind you
24 Restart stalled engine and pull off
25 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
26 Release Parking Brake

(Contributed by Johnny Pirkle)

A Mexican gentleman becomes an instant millionaire after winning the lottery. With his newfound wealth, he decides on exactly what he will buy. He buys a 20 acre plot of land in Mexico and hires an architect.

"I want mi casa to be built right there, with big columns in front, and a marble foyer, and at the end of the hall I want a halo statue."

The architect, excited about making mega bucks off this man, jots down exactly what the Mexican wants, "I'll do it sir, I'll make this a fine house for you!"

All the plans are made and the architect starts construction. He searches six different countries to find exquisite columns for the front of the house and has marble shipped in from France to line the foyer.

The only problem he has is that he cannot locate a halo statue. Knowing that religious symbols are important to many Mexicans, he continues to search high and low for month after month. The house is finally complete, but alas, the architect was never able to locate a halo statue.

Swallowing his pride for not being able to complete the order, he takes the Mexican to see his new home. "Si Senor!" exclaims the Mexican. "You got da columns in front of mi casa! "The architect smiles.

They enter the house and the Mexican notices the marble floor. "Wonderful! I love mi new marble floor Senor!" states the Mexican as he wanders down the hall. He reaches the end of the hall and looks puzzled. "Senor? Where is my halo statue?" asks the Mexican.

"Well, sir, I'm afraid to have to tell you this, but I searched high and low and just could not for the lifeof me figure out what a halo statue is, much less find one for you anywhere, "says the architect, hanging his head in shame.

"What? You don't know what a halo statue is?"

"No, sir, I'm sorry, I do not know," replies the architect.

"You know," says the Mexican, "it's that thing that goes 'ringy dingy' and then you pick it up and say, 'halo? statue?"

Bob had sex with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

Every once in a while, however, he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go."

Free Drinks For Everyone

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into the American Legion Lounge and says to Thomas, the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So Thomas follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So Thomas slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies Thomas. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.

The Japanese team won by a mile.

Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.

Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.

After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.

The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.

The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; latch self to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.

SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see anything in your bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.

(Contributed by Johnny Pirkle)

The armed forces found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Marine Colonel who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied "from the tip of my penis, to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received, but the old Colonel insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Colonel to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Colonel's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed "Where are your testicles?"

The old Colonel calmly replied "in Vietnam."

If	GH	can stand for	P	as in	Hiccough
If	OUGH	can stand for	O	as in	Dough
If	PHTH	can stand for	T	as in	Phthisis
If	EIGH	can stand for	A	as in	Neighbor
If	TTE	can stand for	T	as in	Gazette
If	EAU	can stand for	O	as in	Plateau