Military Rank

(Contributed by Michael Isam)

Redneck Honeymoon

(Contributed by Lt Jason Bondrant)

A week after their marriage, the redneck newlyweds, Ed and Arlene, paid a visit to their doctor.

"You ain't gonna believe this, Doc," said the husband. "My pecker's turnin' blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the redneck's "pecker" really was blue.

The doctor turns to the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed for you?"

"Yep, shore am," she replied brightly.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

"Grape."

Blonde Shorts

(Contributed by Jim Clark)

A blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Bring me a beer."

The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?"

To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"
 

* * * * *

Last night I went home to my blonde girlfriend, and told her I was going to screw her brains out. Then I realized I was too late.

The Recital

(Contributed by Malinda Jenkins)

A soldier stationed in the Germany wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books.

Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !"

The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."
 

Pussycats

(Contributed by Tammie Mason)

A widowed lady, Sarah, was sitting on a beach towel in Miami Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, spread his blanket on the sand nearby, and had begun reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you" he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" Sarah asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year" he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree" he answered, and resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied "How did you know my name is Katz?"
 

The Season Begins

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."
 

Darla's Doctor's Visit

(Contributed by Bob Bluhm)

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.

The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter, Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"

Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it.

About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

Fishing

(Contributed by Jack Purchase)

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the
garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?"

Why Men Have Better Friends

(Contributed by Roger Bertholf)

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two Claimed that he was still there.
 

The Blonde Bet

(Contributed by Marcia Smith)

Frank walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was now on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Frank and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Frank said, "You know, I bet he'll jump"

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Frank placed 20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed her 20 dollars to Frank, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Frank replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Frank took the money.
 

Not Welcome

(Contributed by Richard Martin)

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said, "I need you to cut off my dog's tail."

The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"

"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
 

Rams Fan

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a St. Louis Rams jersey and helmet.

The bartender says, "Hey, you'll have to leave. No pets allowed."

The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate. My TV's busted and this is the only place we can watch the game."

After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that the dog and him will be thrown out if there is any trouble, the bartender lets him stay.

The game starts and the Rams receive the kick-off and march down the field, get stopped on the 30 and kick a field goal.

Suddenly, the dog marches up and down the bar, giving high fives to everyone.

The bartender says, "Wow, that's the most amazing thing I've ever seen.

What does he do if they score a touchdown?"

The dog owner replies, "I don't know, I've only had him for two years."
 

A Blonde's Year in Review

(Contributed by Pam Underwood)

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels ... Helllloooo!!! ... bottles won't fit into printer!!!

March
Got really excited ... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months ... box said "2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid ... wrong instructions ... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing ... couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition ... learned later the other swimmers cheated ... they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm ... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is "C" ... isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's ... they are sooo hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 ... "duh" ... there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

Jeeez ... What a year!!
 

Catholic Heart Attack

(Contributed by Gerry Jones)

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "OK then, bill it to my brother-in-law!"
 

The Skin Graft

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, every one was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before!

All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek... "

Intelligent Life

(Contributed by Marty Blevens)

It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.

As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Braun, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.

He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. "Mr. President," said Dr. Braun, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."

He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.

He said, "But that's impossible . . . we could never do it. . . yes Mr. President," and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.

"I have some bad news," he said, "President Bush said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars . . . he wants us to try to find it in Congress."
 

Wishful Thinking

(Contributed by Angie McIvor)

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
 

Cabbies

(Contributed by Chuck McMillian)

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."

The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud... They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"
 

The White Dress

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

Son asked his mother the following question:

"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
 

Cast The First Stone

(Contributed by Steven Bernard)

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

"Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"
 

Bad News or Terrible News

(Contributed by John Smith)

This guy was sitting in his attorney's office.

"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
 

How Long

(Contributed by George Larson)

When the surgeon came to see Rita on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.

"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon.

"You're the first one ever to ask that after a nose job...."
 

Annual Checkup

(Contributed by Linda Morrison)

Quasimodo goes to a doctor for an annual checkup. "I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.

"What makes you think that?" asks Quasimodo.

"I don't know," the doctor replies. "It's just a hunch."
 

Bar Entertainment

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

Historians have recently discovered that Annie Oakley, famed sharpshooter of the old west, had a sister.

The sister, Carrie, gained some renown in her day as a singer in the various saloons throughout the west, but it was not until after her death that she was very widely known.

Today, countless bars are dedicated to Carrie Oakley.

(For the Blondes reading this - we are talking about Karoke - sorry you didn't understand the joke)
 

Baptist Cowgirl

(Contributed by Betty Blackburn)

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas. We promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for Myself. "The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar , and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains," It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. "Hasn't affected my sisters though."
 

Baseball Bat

(Contributed by Betty Hudson)

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection - a baseball bat to the cash register.

"Cash or charge," the clerk asked.

"Cash," she snapped. Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau. I am not too sane right now!!"

"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or or you going back?"
 

The Wish

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

Olaf & Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.

"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. "Vere dit yew git dat monster??"

"Vell," replied Olaf, "I got it from my Genie.

"You haff a Genie?," Sven asked.

"Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle pox," says Olaf.

"Could I see him?"

Olaf opens his tackle box &sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"

"Yes, I will," says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf. "Yumpin' Yimminy! I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

Getting Older

(Contributed by Cecilia Johnson)

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "
 

* * * * *

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
 

* * * * *

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts, have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
 

How To Clean Out Your Outhouse

(Contributed by Doug Seal)

Ma and Pa are two hillbillies living out on a farm.

Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full.

He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.

Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate."

So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."

The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."

Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.

He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.

All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse!

Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air.

BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm

WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.....

Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right??!!"

As she pulls up her bloomers she says..."Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen
 

The Sign

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

A Florida redneck sees a sign in the restaurant reading,
"Happy Hour Special: Lobster Tail & Beer"

"Lord almighty!" he says to himself, "My three favorite things".
 

The Bribe

(Contributed by Gloria Sartin)

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.

"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"