(Contributed by Perry Woods)

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.  'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess Something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.  He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just What do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

Tender Missionary

(Contributed by Doug Ross)

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just can't seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah, ah!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder...those are friars!"

Adam and Eve

(Contributed by Denise Adams)

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.... When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she told her mate.

"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

Sea Shore

(Contributed by Betty Blackburn)

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the Cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't, and said so.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, what is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "Her name is Sally, and she's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes," he replied.  She sells C cells down by the seashore.

Bar Exam

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

Two guys were talking it up over a few beers at the local bar...

The subject of 'death and dying' came up and some deeply-metaphysical comments were being made...

Then one of the guys said, "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year, too!  Not only that, but he knew what time of day he would die!  He was right about that, as well."

"Wow, that's incredible," replied the second guy. "How did he know all that?"

The first guy said "The judge told him!"

Ducks

(Contributed by Gerry Jones)

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.  When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven and, sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.  Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.  St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.  She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.  The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you lady, but I stepped one of them damned ducks!"

Doc...You've Got To Help Me!

(Contributed by Paul O'Hare)

"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five drop dead gorgeous women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."

The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"

"I push them away!"

"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"

The patient implored, "Please, Break my arms!"

Increase The Donation

(Contributed by Melody Cooper)

The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest may in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."

Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."

Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."

He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"

This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"

Lost Weight

(Contributed by Lesley Howard)

Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit. Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks.

"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 185."

Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"

Crowd Control

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton (HRC) are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.

Harold The Computer Guy

(Contributed by Gennell Arnold)

I was having trouble with my computer, so I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that - - in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you will figure it out."

So I wrote it down. I D 1 0 T

(For you Blondes….it spells IDIOT )

Lost Boots

(Contributed by Mike D'Amato)

There was a little blonde headed boy in kindergarten. At the end of one cold winter day, when all the other children were leaving, the teacher found him crying, so she asked him what was wrong.

He sobbed, "I can't find my boots."

The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots. "Are these yours?"

"No, they're not mine," said the little boy, shaking his head.

The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots.

Finally, the teacher gave up, "Are you SURE those boots are not yours?"

"I'm sure," the boy sobbed, "mine had snow on them."

Scheduling

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

A guy walked into the doctor's office wanting an appointment for a serious ailment...

"Would you like to tell me the nature of your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked. "I'll need the information for the doctor."

"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."

"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in?"

The Lineup

(Contributed by Al Lavine)

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."

Political Humor

(Contributed by Andre D'Elena)

A taxi driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago.  Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.  The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened? What's the hold up?'

'Terrorists have kidnapped George Bush, Dick Chaney, and Condoleeza Rice. They are asking for $10 million in ransom. Can you believe that? $2 million each!! Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from
car to car, taking up a collection.

Please, can you help?!?' The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'

'About a gallon.

(Contributed by Leonard McCormick)

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it."

"But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."

Better Than Eating The Evidence

(Contributed by Jan Bennamon)

Morris is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Joe, is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

"Hey Joe, he yells out - I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal out of it,...it's only an earring." Says Joe sheepishly.

"No really," probes Morris, "How long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

Signs of Aging

(Contributed by Jackie Olson)

Signs you are getting old:

1. You don't hold in your stomach when someone young and attractive enters the room.

2. You can live with out sex but not without glasses.

3. You are proud of your lawn mower.

4. Your friend is dating someone half his age, but not breaking the law.

5. You can sing along with elevator music.

6. Someone calls your house at 9 pm, and asks, "Did I wake you up?"

Fear of Alligators

(Contributed by The Florida Dude)

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em."

Social Security

(Contributed by Betty Blackburn)

After retiring, Charles S. went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home

"I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.

(Contributed by Otis Woodson)

An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station.

The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives in the USA.

Little Boy says " He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!"

Officer says "yes".

Little Boy asks "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Luck Of The Irish

(Contributed by Buzz George)

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Golfing Preacher

(Contributed by Horace Young)

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he got, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do. The urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant and told him that he was sick and could not attend church. Then he packed up the car, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he's doing." God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung, and the ball sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A perfect hole-in-one. The preacher was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"

Barking Dog

(Contributed by Marcia Smith)

A blond and her husband are lying in bed listeningto the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the
back yard barking for hours and hours.

The blond jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.

The blond finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have
you been doing?"

The blond says, "I've put the dog in our back yard; let's see how they like it "

The 3 Stages Of Life

(Contributed by Sammy Fleming)


1) You believe in Santa Claus

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus

3) You are Santa Claus

Southern Nativity Scene

(Contributed by Jack  Shuler)

In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature
bothered me though. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the
counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a particular passage.

Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"

(Contributed by Virgil Wilson)

A little old man starts having trouble hearing and goes to the doctor.....says. "Doc, I'm having problems hearing!"

Doctor says "Lets check this out." Looks into the man's ear with his flash light and says, "There's a foreign object in here." Takes his tweezers and pulls it out.......Doc says to the old man, "It's a suppository!!"

The old man takes a look, asks the Doc, "Can I use your phone?? Need to tell the wife that I know where I put that hearing aid!!"

(Contributed by The Florida Dude)

A Beach Bum runs into a Tiki Bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, and make it quick!"

The bartender pours out the shots, and the Beach Bum drinks them as fast as he can.

The bartender remarks, "I've never seen anybody drink that fast!"

The Beach Bum replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have."

"What's that?" asks the bartender.

"Only fifty cents!"

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitat ed by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new Navy's ships ready to deploy. These beautifully designed ships have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish Navy.

(Contributed by Josh Cohen)

Trying to control her frizzy and dry hair, Kay treated her scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor than that her hair obviously needed it, she washed her hair several times with strong soap.

That night when Kay went to bed, she leaned over to her husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"

"Why ?" he asked, pulling back. "Do I smell like Popeye?"

Did you hear what the dyslexic Highway Patrolman did on New Year's?

He spent the whole night handing out I.U.D.'s.