Contributed by Bryan "Buck" Mahan

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep. But they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled
around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I damn sure didn't."

Involuntary Muscular Contractions

Contributed by Bob Dinkins

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.' It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........

December 3, 2008

Grave Situation

Contributed by Horace Thornberg

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen

before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

December 4, 2008

The Misunderstanding

Contributed by Kevin Hudson

A down and out musician was playing his harmonica in the middle of a busy shopping mall. Striding over, a policeman asked, “May I please see your permit?”

I don’t have one,” confessed the musician.

“In that case, you’ll have to accompany me.”

“Splendid!” exclaimed the musician. “What shall we sing?”

December 5, 2008

Thanksgiving Divorce

Contributed by Perry Woods

A man in Jacksonville, FL calls his son in San Diego, CA the day before Thanksgiving and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.  'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'

She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Do not do a single thing until I get there. I am calling my brother back, and we will both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Thanksgiving and they are paying their own way.'

December 6, 2008

English Language

Contributed by Sarah Balance

Three immigrants to the U. S. were just mastering the language. One was telling the others about the difficulty they were having in attempting to start a family. He said, "I think my wife must be impregnable."

 The second said," that's not the right word, she is inconceivable".

To which the third replied, "You are both wrong, she is unbearable."

December 7, 2008

Why

Contributed by Susan Woodson

Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?

A: To stamp out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?

A: To stamp out burning ducks.

December 8, 2008

Step One

Contributed by Hershel Albertson

One guy to another, “Last week I took the first step towards getting divorced.”

“Did you see a lawyer?”

“No, I got married.”

December 9, 2008

Get Up

Contributed by Mindy Jhansi

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

December 10, 2008

Are You An Honest Lawyer

Contributed by Kent Larson

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

December 11, 2008

Wisdom

Contributed by Pricilla Madigan

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.

One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."

The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

December 12, 2008

Letter to Santa

Contributed by Gerry Jones

Timmy wrote:  Dear Santa, Please send me a baby brother.

Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother..."

Puppy Love

Contributed by Tom Cronk

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day.  "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," replied Little Johnny.

Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Little Johnny," said the teacher gently, "don't you see how silly that is? Sure I'd like a husband of my own someday... but I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," said Little Johnny reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

December 14, 2008

Understanding Kids

Contributed by Karen Mulhollem

A kindergarten teacher was giving her class a lesson on using scissors.

As she helped one child who was having difficulty, she asked him if he had any scissors at home.

He replied, "No, but I do have two brudders!"

December 15, 2008

Trueism

Contributed by Benny Johnson

One man said to the other, "You know, there are really only three kinds of people in the world:

Those who can count, and those who can't.

December 16, 2008

New Household Cleaner

Contributed by Jim Clark

Did you hear about the new household cleaner just put on the market?

It's called "Bachelor."

Why?

Because it works fast, and leaves no ring.

December 17, 2008

Degrees

Contributed by Horace Mansfield

The graduate with a science degree asks,
"Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks,
"How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks,
"How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks,
"Do you want fries with that?"

December 18, 2008

Marriage Certificate

Contributed by Buck Mahan

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

December 19, 2008

Wedding Plans

Contributed by Rodger Smith

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Minister said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"

December 20, 2008

New Broom

Contributed by Helen Pointer

A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her basket was filled with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious that she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for yet another price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked, indignantly, "Well, at this rate, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, Ma'am," replied the clerk. "With all that wind kicking up over there and that brand new broom you have in your basket, you'll be home in no time."

December 21, 2008

To Be 6 Again

Contributed by Jim Cook

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.


Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and co llapse d into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again??'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

December 22, 2008

Kid With An Attitude

Contributed by Sacha Bernstein

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, he class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?"

Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."

December 23, 2008

Honey-Do Jobs

Contributed by Tom Cronk

A husband is at home watching a football game on TV when his wife interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?”

He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have ‘Sylvania Man’ written on my forehead?”

“Fine!” She says. Then the wife asks, “Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right”

To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have ‘The Maytag Man’ written on my forehead? I don’t think so!”

“Fine!” she says. “Then could you at least fix the steps to the front porch? They are about to break”

“I’m not a carpenter and I don’t want to fix steps” he says, “Does it look like I have ‘Tim the Tool Man’ written on my forehead? I don’t think so! I’ve had enough of this. I’m going to the Pub!”

So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours with his friends. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife and decides to go home. As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he see the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

“Honey” he asks, “How’d all this get fixed?”

She said, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong…and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake”

He said, “So what kind of cake did you bake”

She replied, “Hellooooo..Do you see ‘Betty Crocker’ written on my forehead? I don’t think so!”

December 24, 2008

Farmer Joe

Contributed by Brandon Carmichael

Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."

"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas

Playing house

Contributed by Karon Honeywell

A couple of young children are at day care one day when one of the little girls approaches Tommy and says, "Hey, Tommy, wanna play house?"

"Sure! What do you want me to do?" he asks.

The little girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."

"Communicate my feelings?" questions a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means..."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

December 26, 2008

Banking Woes

Contributed by Jack Fisher - of WROV fame

First Man: You know, I don't think my bank is doing too well.

Second Man: Oh yeah, why is that?

First Man: I got my 2009 calendar from them and it only goes through February!

December 27, 2008

My Doctor Visit

Contributed by Gerry Jones

My internal medicine doctor referred me to a urologist.

To my surprise, the urologist was a most beautiful female who was unbelievably sexy looking.

After a few minutes in to the exam, she told me that I have to stop masturbating.

I asked her why.

She said, 'Because I am trying to examine you.'

December 28, 2008

Fact of Life

Contributed by Perry Woods

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman.

She takes one look at him. “You, sir, are drunk!"

"And you ma'am, are ugly.  But when I wake up, I will be sober!"

December 29, 2008

The Veterans Bar

Contributed by Bob Dinkins

Four distinguished looking retired vets are walking down the street. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Veterans Bar" over the doorway of an entry into an establishment that doesn't look all that well kept up. They look at each other then go in. On the inside, they realize in this case, they could judge the book by its cover.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There seems to be a fully stocked bar so the men all ask for a martini. In short time the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis - shaken not stirred and says, "That'll be 40 cents for the round, please." The four men stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other - they can't believe their good luck.

They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 more cents, please." They pay the 40 cents but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"

The bartender replies, "No doubt you've noticed the decor in here. And the outside ain't nothin' to write home about. I don't waste money on that stuff. But, here's my story. I'm retired Armourer from the Canadian Air Force and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year, I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same."

"Wow. That's quite a story." says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man finished his martini and, gestured at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, those are retired Officers. The cheap SOBs are waiting for Happy Hour."

December 30, 2008

Parking The Car

Contributed by Burney McDowell

Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said.

"You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."

Joe said, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.

The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.

You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Again Joe replied, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.

Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and the power went out and Joe didn't get the rest of the instructions.

He turned to Joan, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Joan?"

Joan replied, "Aw, Joe, just leave the car in the damned garage today."

December 31, 2008

Ole In The Park

Contributed by Allen Good

Ole was walking home late at night, through the park and sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty dollars" she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides, what the hell, it's only twenty bucks.

So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them-- it's a police officer.

"What's going on here people?" asks the officer.

" I'm making luff to my vife ," Ole answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry." says the cop. "I didn't know."

" Vell," says Ole, "I din't neder, 'til you shine that dam light in her face!