What Happened

Contributed by Henry Alexander

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, magnificent house, big car, the love of beautiful woman, then, POW! It was all gone!"

"What happened?," asked the friend.

"My wife found out..."

Contributed by Sharon O'Connor

Goofy Fred took a friend driving on a narrow mountain road in North Carolina.

After a while the friend said, “I feel very scared whenever you go around one of those sharp bends.”

“Then do what I do,” said Fred, “close your eyes.”

Contributed by Mary Stratton

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

PUPILS: A teacher.

Contributed by Jackie Moore

Two ducks were out on a lake, one was feeling happy and the other one was feeling upset. When the one duck asked the other duck: "How was your anger therapy session?"

The other duck replied: "He said I was in need of another session."

The duck asked "Did you say anything to him to make him think that?"

The other one said "All I said was that he was a quack."

Contributed by Gerry Jones

Four Catholic men and a Catholic lady were having coffee after mass.

The first Catholic man tells his companions,

"I have a son who is a priest. Everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man follows saying,

"My son is a Bishop. People address him as 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic man prouldy adds,

"My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,

one of the men turned to he and politely asked, "......and do you have children?"

After a few moments she replies,

"I have a daughter..... slim.... tall..... 38 Double D breasts...... 24 inch waist...... 34 inches at the hips.

When she walks into a room people say, "Oh my God"

Contributed by The Florida Dudette

After a hard day at work, a circular saw and a belt sander go to their favorite bar.

As they're relaxing, some other power tools join them.

The saw turns to the sander and says, "You know the drill, don't you?"

Contributed by Perry Woods

Wife asks husband, "How many women have you slept with?"

Husband proudly replies, "Only you Darling - With all the others I was awake"

Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 4 PM.

Contributed by Jack Shuler

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the lowest branch, jumped into the air waving his front legs, and dropped to the ground. He slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.  "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

Contributed by Samuel Caldwell

This man had just bought a brand new Ferrari F-50 and he was taking it for a cruise. He was stopped at a red light and this little boy on a moped stopped next to him and was at awe over the car. He asked the man if he could take a quick look inside and he agreed. Just as he was getting out of the car the boy asked the man how fast his car could go and he said

"Oh, around 175-200. Want to see?"

Of course the boy nodded and waited for the light to turn green. When the light changed, the man took off at a very high rate of speed. As he was traveling down the road he saw a little light catching up with him and then flew right past him.

"No! it couldn't be the boy on the moped could it?" He asked to himself.

Then the light came flying back and went way behind him. The guy then realized that it indeed WAS the boy on the moped!

Then the light started to catch up with him again. He slowed down a bit to let the boy catch up so that he could find out exactly how he got the little bike to go that fast and in a stunned voice the boy looked at the man and said..

"Would you mind taking my suspenders off your rear view mirror?"

Contributed by Mark Stewart

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for... The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check..

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free. The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

Contributed by Perry Woods

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.  The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily - if at all.

Written in large black letters was the sentence: 'Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'

Contributed by The Florida Dude

Three Tennessee Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!'

1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'!  My wife is dumber than both yer Wifes put together!  I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer Some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker.

Contributed by Tom Cronk

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

Contributed by Paul Johnston

Simple Joe who is mad for the horses thought he had a sure winner the other day at the track.

The tote board listed his horse as starting at 25 to 1, and he knew the race didn’t start until 1:00 p.m.

Contributed by The Florida Dude

I stopped at the local Burger King for a burger & frys and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated "Picture Menu Available".

I had to ask the clerk what it was for and they told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used that.

Of course I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and the answer was the classic:

"Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?"

Contributed by Brenda Underwood

Barack Obama decides it is time to do some public relations at a local Washington DC nursing home. The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn't seem to notice him.

Sensing this, Obama backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?"

The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."

Contributed by Bulla Blackheart

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell 'convenience,' so I made it 'risk.'"

Contributed by Joyce Banyan

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

Contributed by Janice Branson

A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."

"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."

Contributed by Colin Daniel

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.

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America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.

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Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal?

A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

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Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?

A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.

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If Nancy Pelosi has her face lifted one more time she'll have a beard!

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Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?

A: Bo has papers.

Contributed by The Florida Dude

A blonde gets lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembers her father's advice, "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it."

Soon a snow plow comes by, and she follows it for about 45 minutes.

Finally, the driver of the truck gets out and asks her what she is doing. She explains the advice her father had given her.

The driver says, "Well, I'm done with the parking lot here at the mall, now you can follow me over to the bank."

Contributed by Bernice Feuerstein

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran, she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"

As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.

She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. Again, she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!...But don't shove me either!"

Contributed by Bonita Hanover

It's Christmas Eve and mom is busily preparing the last minute decorations in the family room when little Sally say: "Mom, don't forget to put out the treat for Santa next to the fireplace."

Distracted, the mom thanks Sally and goes to the kitchen for Santa's treat.

Later, when putting her to bed Sally says. "Mom, why did you put a can of Slim-fast next to Santa's treat?" Distracted and anxious to get back downstairs to finish the decorations mom replies. "Daddy is on a diet."

Contributed by Hanna Green

Q: What did the blonde ask Santa Claus for Christmas?

A:  Five golden dings, four calling nerds, three French men, two purple gloves, and a bar fridge and a party.

Contributed by Joshua Grenfell

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"

"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"

Contributed by The Florida Dude

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A: A stick.

Contributed by Gregory Parker

Walking down the street, a man hears a voice: "Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you."

The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him. The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk.

The voice shouted, "Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die."

The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "Where the hell were you when I got married last week?"

Contributed by Kevin Conners

Looking over the log book kept by the computer support staff at my office, I noticed several entries stating the problem was PICNIC. I asked one of the technicians what PICNIC meant.

He laughed as he told me it meant "Problem In Chair, Not In Computer"

Contributed by Burt Sherwood

A truck driver is cruising along when he spots a little yellow man standing in the middle of the road, crying. He brings the truck to a stand-still, rolls down the window, and asks the little yellow man what's wrong.

"I'm yellow, I'm from Venus, I'm gay and I'm hungry," sobs the little man.

"Well," says the trucker, "I can offer you a cheese sandwich, but that's as much as I can do." So he passes a sandwich to the little yellow man and drives off.

A bit later he has to stop again, because there's a little red man in the middle of the road, crying. So he comes to a halt, rolls down the window and a bit more impatiently - asks the little red man what the matter is.

"I'm red, I'm from Mars, I'm gay and I'm thirsty," the little man bawls.

So the trucker says, "I can offer you a can of Coke, but that's as much as can do." He hands a can of Coke down to the little red man and drives off.

A little further on, the trucker spots a little blue man in the middle of the road. Really annoyed now, he stops, rolls down the window and snaps, "Yes, you little blue poof, what planet are you from, and what the f#?K do you want?"

And the little blue man answers, "Your driver's license, please...".

Contributed by Jack Jackson

"Hi Mom, How are you?"

"Hi Son, where are you? I thought you were with your father at Home Depot.."

"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call."

"What happened?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."

"What on earth....why did you do that?"

"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."