Florida Dude - Joke of the Day

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, “A man is sitting on the well!”

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.

One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, Did you manage to live a well planned life?

"Oh yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to

____ (a) build a bridge
____ (b) sail the ocean
____ (c) lead an army or
____ (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
____ (a) Jewish
____ (b) Catholic
____ (c) Hindu
____ (d) Polish
____ (e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
____ (a) Westerners
____ (b) Southerners
____ (c) Northerners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter, Clinton, and Bush

Bush: __________________________
Carter: ________________________
Clinton: ________________________
Bush: __________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
____ (a) Macy's
____ (b) Kmart
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
____ (a) yes
____ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
____ (a) New York
____ (b) Florida
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
____ (a) B.C.
____ (b) A.D.

Signed _______________________

(Contributed by Bob Yearwood, Sr.)

A bus full of politicians was driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

Benign..........What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria........Back door to cafeteria.
Barium..........What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section........A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat Scan.................Searching for the cat.
Cauterize...............Made eye contact with her.
Colic...................A sheep dog.
Coma...................A punctuation mark.
D & C..................Where Washington is.
Dilate...............To live longer than your kids do.
Enema................Not a friend.
Fester.................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula.................A small lie.
G. I. Series...........World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail............What you hang your coat on.
Impotent...................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain...............Getting hurt at work.
Morbid.....................A higher offer than I bid.
Medical Staff...........A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Node.........................I knew it.
Outpatient................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...............A fatherhood test.
Pelvis........................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room......Place to do upholstery.
Secretion.................Hiding something.
Seizure.....................Roman emperor who lived in the Cesarean Section.
Tablet...............A small table to change babies on.
Terminal Illness........Getting sick at the train station.
Tumor.........................More than one.
Urine...........................Opposite of mine.
Varicose.....................Near by.

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver.

He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

(Contributed by Robert VanDyke)

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did he look?"

"Very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well, that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

"He was looking through the window at me."

(Contributed by Gordon Dudley)

Billy Graham had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he got in the back of the limo and Billy took the wheel.

He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 90 MPH. WHAM! The blue lights of the Florida State Highway Patrol flashed in his rear view mirror. He pulled over and a trooper came to his window.

When the trooper saw who it was, he said, "Just a moment, please, I need to call in." The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief.

He said, "I have a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."

"No," replied the trooper, "even more important."

"Well, WHO in the WORLD is it?!" screamed the chief.

The trooper responded: "I don't know for sure but I think it might be Jesus, because his
chauffeur is Billy Graham!"

Jason wanted to get his blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary, but also something useful. So he finally decided to get her a cell phone. His wife was very excited about the new phone and told him she loved it. He carefully went through all of the phone's features and showed her how to use it. The next day, she went shopping and took the phone with her. The phone rings and it's her husband. "How do you like your new phone?" he asks.

"I love it, but there's something I don't understand," she replies.

"What's that?"

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered .. "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

And Finally . . . . .

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."

THE WORLD'S THINNEST BOOKS

(Contributed by Jim Clark)

20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver
18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Gary Condit

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."

The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed it's time to change sheets.

5. Even if you're CERTAIN that you are included in the will ... it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a taxidermist..

2. Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as it tends to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wantin' to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago...."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday". If the latter is the answer it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up as soon as the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they cannot hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires ALWAYS has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do NOT lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

(Contributed by Jay Wilson)

Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua. But on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow. "Fifty dollars!" she would shout from the curb.

"No. Five dollars!" fired back Clinton. This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by.

She'd holler, "Fifty dollars!"

He'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what Bill had been really doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker where she always stood.

Bill tried to evade the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five bucks?"

(Contributed by Johnny Pirkle)

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.

Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and, they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic.

They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.

The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their cold tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

A girl comes skipping home from school and shouts, "Mommy, Mommy, today we did counting, and all the other kids only got up to 5, but I got up to 10. . .1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. That's good, isn't it, Mommy?"

"Is that because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, dear, it is."

The next day the girl comes skipping home and screams, "Mommy, Mommy, today we did the alphabet, and all the other kids only got to D, but I got up to G. . . .A, B, C, D, E, F, G....that's good, isn't it, Mommy?"

"Yes, dear, it is."

The following day the girl comes skipping home and says, "Mommy, today we did gym class and all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

The girl pulls up her top revealing a pair of 36 C breasts. "That's good isn't it, Mommy?"

An elderly European man asked the local priest to hear his confession:

"Father, during WW2 a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans.

I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to confess."

"It's worse, Father. I was weak and told her that I would hide her but, she must repay me with her sexual favors."

"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil and judge you kindly.
For your penance; say 3 'Our Father's' and 3 'Hail Mary's' and Go In Peace, my son - your sins are forgiven."

"Thank you, Father, That's a great load off my mind.

I have only one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

The old man replied, "Should I tell her the war is over?"

Bill and Alice decided that the only way they could manage a little romance with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and
the Coopers are in the bedroom having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father yelled.

"Because Tommy Cooper is standing out on the balcony too!"

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The copper said, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"


10	Try this one on, your sister looks great in it.

9	No thanks, just sniffing.

8	I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

7	Mom will love this.

6	Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.

5	No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.

4	Will you model this for me???

3	The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!

2	Forty Five bucks?? You're just gonna end up naked ANYWAY!!

1	Oh, honey, you'll NEVER squeeze your ass into that!!

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong. "He is concerned about if his testicles are black," says the young nurse-to-be.

Being a nurse of long-standing, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a very good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "No - I see nothing wrong with them at all !!!"

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Thank You, But.....Are my test results back???"

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their habits partially blocking the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there."

The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there.”

The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there."

One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm voice said, "why don't you go to Hell...... there aren't any Nuns living there."

George Bush and Osama bin Laden decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world, and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk

After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal.

It was a 9-foot-long Dachshund.

Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possible last 10 seconds with the Afghanistan dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American's Dachshund -- but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened
its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite!

There was nothing left of his dog at all. Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"Yes," said Bush. "But we had the best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."

The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?"

"A horsey," one child answers.

"And this?" the teacher asks.

"A piggy," replies another youngster.

"And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers.

There was no answer, only total silence.

"Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"

"I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a horny bastard

(Contributed by Bob Yearwood, Sr.)

It has been reported that Osama bin Laden was captured this morning at 4 :22 AM Pacific Standard Time by US Special Forces.

The prime suspect of the September 11th attack on the World Trade Center in New York City, bin Laden, was captured at gunpoint, as he fled an underground passage in a remote mountainside of southern Afghanistan.

Alliance troops, who witnessed the events unfold, explained that moments earlier United States war planes had sprayed liquid Viagra across the southern Afghanistan countryside, and the little prick just popped up!

Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage. -unknown

France has neither winter, nor summer, nor morals. France is miserable because it is filled with Frenchmen, and Frenchmen are miserable because they live in France. -Mark Twain

Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada. -Ted Nugent

I hear the French tank has 14 gears, 13 of them are in reverse. The forward gear is for when someone attacks from behind.

The only way the French are going in with us is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

War without France would be like...World War II

Question: What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? Answer: The Army

Question: Why are all the boulevards in France lined with trees? Answer: Because the Germans LOVE to march in the shade.

Question: How do you stop a French Tank? Answer: Shoot the guy pushing.

Question: How many Frenchman does it take to defend Paris. Answer: We don't know, it's never been tried.

"We can count on the French to be there when they need us."

On the eve of battle between Germany and France...
On the German side the general turns to his aide and says, "Aide, get me my red jacket. In the event that I am wounded, I don't want the men to see me bleeding. I don't want anything to discourage them. I want them to carry on and win this battle."

On the French side the general turns to his aide and says, "Aide, get me my brown pants."

A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.

"What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."