Florida Dude - Joke of the Day

Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen

I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex

Duct tape won't fix that

Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael

Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken

We don't keep firearms in this house

Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

You can't feed that to the dog

I thought Graceland was tacky

No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe

The Difference

(Contributed by Lisa McCafferty)

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things a bit
more clear.

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON ... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK... you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.

IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... they are called managers.

IN PRISON...Sex is free and available whenever you want it.
AT WORK....Even suggesting it could get you fired, sued and SENT TO PRISON.

(Contributed by Bryan Thomas)

A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike.

"How'd you get that, son?"

"By hiking."

"Hiking?"

"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."

(Contributed by Lawrence Tucker)

A 747 was starting its descent and the pilot had forgotten to turn off the P.A. system.

''As soon as I clock off'' he said, ''I'm going to have a nice cold beer and then screw the arse off that blonde flight attendant.''

The horrified flight attendant made a dash toward the cockpit, but tripped and fell in the aisle.

A little old lady sitting there whispered, ''There's no need to hurry love, he said he was going to have a beer first.''

I got a new car radio yesterday.

It has voice recognition.

You shout "soul" ....and it searches for a soul station and starts playing soul music.

You shout "rock" and it plays rock and roll.

You shout "country" and it finds country music.

Some children ran in front of my car, causing me to swerve at the last second.

I yelled out "F***ing kids".

My radio started playing Michael Jackson.

(Contributed by Shirley Smith)

What is green and yellow and lies in a pile of cookie crumbs?

A woman walks into a restaurant and sits down. As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she farts loudly with the waiter right behind her.

(Contributed by Gerry Jones)

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, therefore saving jobs.

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher.

The judge rose from the bench.

"Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court." He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.

"If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?"

"I'd have to say the living one."

(Contributed by Roger Bonham)

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

(Contributed by Hugh Osborne)

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year... "That in one year the windows would pay for themselves."

There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back.

Guess I won that stupid argument.

Airplanes usually kill you quickly, a woman takes her time.

Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of the switch.

Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go".

Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.

Airplanes come with a manual to explain their operation.

Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

Airplanes can be flown at any time of the month.

Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

Airplanes don't care about how many airplanes you've flown before.

Airplanes and pilot both arrive at the same time.

Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

Airplanes expect to be tied down.

Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

However, they both have one thing in common - when either one of them gets quiet, it's definitely not good.

(Contributed by Annie Suggart)

A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

"Before you leave, I want you to hear how all this came about...

"Driving home along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color didn't suit you.. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but too small for you now.

"Then, when she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked: 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"

(Contributed by Tom Cronk)

A Dallas flight was coming in for a landing when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground! The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the ground.

As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. Finally the crew got off and the Chief Pilot of the airline came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds.

As they were talking, the Chief Pilot commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight.

Those aren't midgets," the pilot replied. "Those are Texans with all the shit scared out of them!"

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local WinnDixie grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared. . .

An Englishman, Irishman and Scot are sitting in a bar in an exotic, tropical location. It's another warm, sunny day, there's a pleasant sea breeze, the beer is good, the view is fantastic, the women are beautiful and the food is exceptional.

'Y'know', says the Scotsman ruefully, 'I still prefer pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a little bar called McTavish's, where the landlord is so welcoming that when you buy four whiskies, he buys the fifth one for you.'

'I agree', says the Englishman, 'At the Red Lion in my home town, the landlord is so welcoming that when you buy two pints of bitter, the third is free.'

'Ahhh, dat's nuttin'', says the Irishman, 'back home in Dublin, da moment you set foot in Ryan's Bar dey'll buy you a Guinness, den annudder, an' annudder, an' annudder, until you can't walk anymore. Den, when you've had enough Guinness, dey'll carry you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on da house.'

Laughing hysterically, the Englishman and Scotsman scornfully dismiss the Irishman's claim. Stung by their ridicule, and offended that they do not believe him, the Irishman insists his tale is true. 'Do you seriously expect us to believe that this actually happened to you?' scoffs the Englishman.

'Well, not me personally, no', admits the Irishman, 'but it did happen to me sister

A lawyer is on his death bed, and a friend visits him, and sees him madly flipping through the bible.

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute..."

Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

* * * *
The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient.

First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.

* * * * *
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"

The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "bartender, got any specials today?"

Bartender says, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It is a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."

The guy asks, "geeze, what the heck is that?"

The Bartender says we call it a "Pabst Smir."

President Bush called the Patriots and complemented them on a great game.

Al Gore called the Panthers and said he thought they were robbed.

Bill Clinton called Janet Jackson

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

While walking down the street one day, a female senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the lady.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down to Hell.

The doors open, and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course.

In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her.

Everyone is very happy. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before she realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time, and before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, choose the place where you want to spend eternity."

She reflects for a minute and then answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator, and she goes down, down, down to Hell.

Now, the doors of the elevator open, and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.

The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and we danced and had a great time. Now there is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable."

The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.

Today, you voted for us!"

(Contributed by Bob Yearwood, Sr.)

Once upon a time, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" Inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. . . "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor - Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a Continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to the different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God.. "That's Washington State the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful streams, hills, and forests .. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high-achieving, and they will be known
throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace "

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"

God smiled, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in the other Washington

(Contributed by Harvey Kissinger)

Q: What makes five pounds of fat look really good?