Florida Dude - Joke of the Day

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February 2005

February 1, 2005

Caps

(Contributed by Pat Garrett - of WROV fame)

Once, three college students--one from Alabama, one from Carolina and one from Tennessee--were hiking through the forest when they came upon the badly dismembered naked body of a young woman.

Wanting to give her one last bit of respect, the North Carolina student took off his cap and put it over her left breast. The Tennessee student took off his and put it over her right breast and the Alabama student put his over her pubic area. Then they went off to call the police.

A few hours later, the sheriff arrived with a few deputies and the coroner. He took several photos of the crime scene. Then he got out a clipboard and started writing down notes about the crime. He looked under the North Carolina cap and wrote down a few notes. Then he looked under the Tennessee cap and wrote down a few notes. Then he looked under the Alabama cap and wrote down a few more notes.

Then he stood there looking perplexed for about a minute, then looked under the Alabama cap again and wrote down a few more notes. Again, he stood there looking deep in thought, after which he looked under the Alabama cap again, then wrote down more notes.

Curious, the North Carolina student approached him and said "What are you doing? Have you found an important clue that may help you catch who did this?"

The sheriff said "Oh, no, not at all. It's just that this is the first time I've ever looked under a Alabama cap and not seen an asshole!"

February 2, 2005

Tie A Ribbon

(Contributed by Buster Sutton)

A couple has a dog who snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

'Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully Around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or, what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place."

February 3, 2005

Super Bowl Seat

(Contributed by Dan Morgan)

A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium, he's closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line.

He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"

The man says "No."

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," said Joe, "but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?"

"No," the man replies, "They're all at the funeral."

February 4, 2005

It's In The Name

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

February 5, 2005

Skippy

(Contributed by Richard Martin)

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!".

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"

February 6, 2005

SHOULD THE PREACHER STAY ?

(Contributed by Jack Jackson - of WROV fame)

This is a story about a popular young Baptist preacher, who on Sunday morning announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract, and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Bubba, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a minivan, to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs, and applauds.

Billy Bob, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the preacher stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!"

More sighs and applause.

Ms. Ella May, aged 70, stands and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll give him SEX!!"

There is a hush.

The preacher, blushing, asks, "Ms. Ella May, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Ms. Ella May answers, "I just asked My husband how we could help, and he said....... F*ck him."

February 7, 2005

The Raffle

(Contributed by Gerry Jones)

Bubba and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you....... how's that toilet brush working out?"

"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

February 8, 2005

Homeless Man

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,

"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex.

February 9, 2005

Redneck In A Suit

(Contributed by Mike Putnam)

What do you call a redneck in a fancy suit?

''Mr. President.''

February 10, 2005

Sex & Ham

(Contributed by Cecilia Hamilton)

''The priest and the rabbi were on a plane flying across the ocean when the plane developed engine trouble. Everyone was doomed.

The priest turned to the rabbi and said, "Before I die there's something that I would like to know. You being Jewish and all -- have you ever tasted ham?"

"Well," the rabbi laughed, "Sure I've tasted ham. But tell me father, before we die -- could you tell me if you have ever made love to a woman?"

The priest blushed and said, "There was this one time I gave in and made love to a woman."

The rabbi looked at the priest and said, "Beats the hell out of ham, don't it?"

February 11, 2005

Beauty & The Beach

(Contributed by James Stevenson)

What did the ocean say to the beach?

Nothing -- it just waved!

February 12, 2005

Milking It

(Contributed by Andre' D'Elena)

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the
point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I need to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes."

February 13, 2005

Sentenced

(Contributed by Benny Rigby)

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.

The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."

February 14, 2005

A Lake Made of Beer

(Contributed by Jon Bailey)

Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish.

The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world.

With a poof! the wish was granted.

All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry.

"Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

February 15, 2005

POLISH SAUSAGE

(Contributed by Richard Martin)

A man went into a store and asked the clerk for some "Polish Sausage".

The clerk looked at him and asked "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, said, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. "If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?

Would ya, huh? Would Ya"

The clerk said, "Well no"

"And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't,"

With self-indignation, the guy said, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're at Home Depot".

February 16, 2005

Old Timers

(Contributed by Ellen Butler)

An elderly retired couple were driving down the East coast, when they stopped in Georgia for a fuel stop. The elderly woman was very hard of hearing, and usually asked her husband to repeat everything.

An elderly station attendant came to the car and started filling the fuel tank. Making idle talk, he asked if the man liked the weather, to which the man replied, "very much."

What'd he say?, asked the woman. "He asked if I like the weather, and I told him yes," replied her husband.

"Where are you-all headed", asked the attendant. "Oh, we're going to Jacksonville", he replied.

"What'd he say?", asked the woman. "He asked where we're going, and I told him to Jacksonville," the husband replied.

"Where are you-all from", inquired the attendant a few moments later.

"Oh, we're from Maine," the man replied.

"Ah, I was in Maine for two years while I was in the Air Force, replied the attendant. In fact, I dated a girl from Maine while I was there. It didn't last long though. I have to tell you, this girl was the worst in bed of any girl I ever knew."

"What'd he say?" inquired the woman.

"He said he thinks he knows you," replied her husband.

February 17, 2005

Mating Time

(Contributed by Ron Eitel)

Luke took his wife to the Fort Worth Rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times
last year."

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke Luke's ribs, said, That's once a day!. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

Luke looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow?"

*NOTE: Luke's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.

February 18, 2005

New Wine for Seniors

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as Pino More.

February 19, 2005

The Kid

(Contributed by Pat Garrett - of WROV fame)

A little kid and his parents are walking down the street and he sees two dogs having sex. The kid asks “What are those two dogs doing?”

The father replies, “They’re making puppies, son!”

A few nights later the kid wakes up in the middle of the night after a bad dream, goes in his parents’ room and sees his father on top of his mother, going to town.

The kid asks “What are you doing Daddy?”

The father, nervously, says “Uh, well, we’re making you a baby brother!”

And the kid says “Well, roll her over onto her knees. I’d rather have a puppy!”

February 20, 2005

One Hit Genie

(Contributed by Lt. Carl Minton)

Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says “Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?”

“A genie from that bottle granted me one wish.”

“Great, can I try it?”

“Sure.”

First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears.

“You are granted one wish," says the genie.

The guy says, “I want a million bucks!”

“Done” says the genie and disappears.

A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other.

“I can't believe this,” says the guy who had just placed his wish, “I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!”

The second guy then says, “Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?”

February 21, 2005

REAL Important Person

(Contributed by Tom Cronk)

Billy Graham had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while.

Well, the chauffeur felt like he didn't have much of a choice, so he got in the back of the limo and Billy took the wheel. He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 75 MPH. WHAM! The blue lights of the State Highway Patrol flashed in his rearview mirror.

He pulled over and a trooper came to his window. When the trooper saw who it was, he said, "Just a moment, please, I need to call in."

The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief. He said, "I have a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."

The chief replied, "Who is it, not Ted Kennedy again?"

The trooper said, "No, even more important."

"It isn't the Governor Jeb Bush, is it?" asked the chief.

"No, even more important," replied the trooper.

"It isn't the President George Bush, is it?"

"No," replied the trooper, "Even more important."

"Well, WHO in the WORLD is it?!" screamed the chief.

The trooper responded, "I don't know for sure but I think it might be Jesus, because his chauffeur is Billy Graham!"

February 22, 2005

The Wrong Thing To Say

(Contributed by Perry Woods of WPXI fame)

A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and he has been drinking like that since I left him, seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

Services will be held at 2:30pm Saturday at Forever Green Mortuary.

February 23, 2005

Bad Day

(Contributed by The Dude)

A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. The bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp.

"Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened."

"I came home early today," answered the guy. "I went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend."

The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house." The guy gulped it down once again. The bartender asked, "Did you say anything to your wife?"

The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were through. Pack your bag's and get out!"

"What about your friend?" asked the bartender.

"I looked him straight in the eye and said, Bad Dog!"

February 24, 2005

Poor Ralph

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"

"Of course." The wife agrees and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife and asks, "Honey, please, just one more time before I die?"

She says, "Of course, dear." and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could....?"

The wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning...you don't."

February 25, 2005

Careful How You Make Your Wishes

(Contributed by Pat Good)

A man walks into a restaurant with a full grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, I'll have a hamburger fries and coke, and then turns to the ostrich, what's yours?

I'll have the same, says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. That will be $16.40 please and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact bills and change for the payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, I'll have a hamburger, fries and coke, and the ostrich says, I'll have the same. Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact amount of money.

This becomes a routine until one evening, the two enter again. The usual, asks the waitress?

No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad, says the man, Same for me says the ostrich.

A short time the waitress comes with the order and says that will be $32.62. Once again the man pulls out the exact money with change from his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress couldn't hold back her curiosity any longer. Excuse me sir, how do you always come up with the exact amount of money in your pocket every time?

Well says the man, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and that the right amount of money would always be there, every time.

That's brilliant, says the waitress. Most people would wish for a million dollars or something but you will always be as rich as you want for as long as you live.

That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there says the man.

The waitress asks, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?

The man sighs and answers, my second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say!

February 26, 2005

The Toothbrush And The Toilet Paper

(Contributed by Rick Jacobs)

One day a miserable toothbrush sits down and says, ''Sometimes I feel I have the worst job in the world.''

Then the toilet paper yells, "Think again buddy!"

February 27, 2005

Four Animals

(Contributed by Cherie Martin)

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted.

February 28, 2005

A Virgin Hick

(Contributed by Bert Stewart)

Two hicks from West Virginia got married and were having their honeymoon in a local motel. They begin doing what honeymooners always do, but right before they consummate the marriage the woman says, "Be gentle, I'm a virgin."

The man is shocked and visibly upset and storms out of the room without saying a word. He goes home to his family and tells them what happened, and his dad agrees, "If she isn't good enough for her own family, she sure as hell isn't good enough for you!"

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