Florida Dude - Joke of the Day

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February 2006

February 1, 2006

Lost In Wal-Mart

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate"

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.

February 2, 2006

Get Back

(Contributed by Ruth Ogle)

Q: What do you get, when you play a country song backwards?

A: You get your house back, your truck back, your wife back and your dog back!

February 3, 2006

Why Men Pee Standing Up

(Contributed by Ellen Butler)

God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve.

He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He had left was a thing-a
ma-bob that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it ?" Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it.

So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up. Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place -- first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if could hit a stump ten feet away -- laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left"

"What's it called?" asked Eve.

"Brains," said God.

February 4, 2006

A Super Bowl Story

(Contributed by Tom Frankenberg)

Two guys from Pittsburgh, PA die and wake up in Hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Pittsburgh, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, you know."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, hats and mittens. The devil asks them again, "Its awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?"

Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from Pittsburgh, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, you know."

This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming every where. He stops by the room with the two guys from Pittsburgh drinking Iron City beer. The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourself."

The two Pittsburghers reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Pittsburgh, we've just got to have a cook out when the weather's this nice."

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Pennsylvanians.

He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like madmen. The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?"

The Pittsburghers look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know, if hell froze over, that must mean the Steelers won the Super Bowl."

February 5, 2006

Post Game Party

(Contributed by Tony Colbert)

After the big Super Bowl party, Doug figured he better spend some quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed.

"Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run."

"How about foreplay?" his wife replies.

"What's the foreplay?" says Doug.

"You know," the wife says, "It happens before the two minute warning."

February 6, 2006

A Military Time

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so? It's only 2130 now."

February 7, 2006

The Bet

(Contributed by Jack Jackson)

Three Rednecks were working on a BellSouth tower - Carl, Frank and Jed. Frank falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Carl says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Carl says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Frank's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

”Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Frank's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.”

February 8, 2006

Phone Number

(Contributed by Betty Blackburn)

Blonde Caller:
"Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator:
"I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".

Blond Caller:
"On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

February 9, 2006

Parking The Car

(Contributed by Pete North)

Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said.

"You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."

Joe said, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.

The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.

You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Again Joe replied, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.

Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and the power went out and Joe didn't get the rest of the instructions.

He turned to Joan, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Joan?"

Joan replied, "Aw, Joe, just leave the car in the damn garage today."

February 10, 2006

A Final Appeal

(Contributed by Sgt Harvey Miller)

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to piss anyone off."

February 11, 2006

Sister Margaret

(Contributed by Jack Jackson)

Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life. Then, she was called to her reward. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said, "Hold on, Sister Margaret. not so fast!"

"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord from the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the Convent to my dying breath I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.

"That is just the problem," replied St. Peter, "you never learned right from wrong and, to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong."

"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded.

"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then," ordered St. Peter.

Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up."

"Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me when you are ready"

Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniel's. "Saint Peter... I feel woozy. That vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me. It is all I can do to keep it down."

"Good, good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong," said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense. Afterward, call me."

A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:

"Yo, Pete, it's Peggy.. It's gonna be a while."

February 12, 2006

The Church Service

(Contributed by Jack Shuler)

An elderly couple was attending church services, and about halfway through he leans over and says, " I just let a silent fart! What do you think I should do?"

She replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid!"

February 13, 2006

Paper Shredder

(Contributed by Carol Powers)

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.

"Need some help?" a secretary asked.

"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"

"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.

"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

February 14, 2006

Good Medicine

(Contributed by Jim Clark)

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually! He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work! So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man!

The medicine man says, "I can cure this!" With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke!

Then he says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234 and it will go down! But be warned: It will not work again for another year!"

Harry rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess! That night he is ready to surprise his wife! He showers, shaves and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne! After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123" and suddenly he becomes more aroused than anytime in his life, just as the medicine man had promised!

His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

February 15, 2006

The Captains Shirt

(Contributed by Larry Weaver)

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, the captain put it on and led the crew to battle the pirate ship. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels about to attack. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on.

This time, the Captain and his crew repelled both pirate ships, although this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed more pirate ships were approaching, 10 of them, all ready to attack. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

February 16, 2006

Klopman Diamond

(Contributed by Henry Upton)

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klopman."

February 17, 2006

The Proposal

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They sat down on a bench to rest. They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot.

Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was about to propose. Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, "Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them."

Murphy said, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me!"

February 18, 2006

Creation Chaos

(Contributed by Robert Murray)

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten! like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

February 19, 2006

3 wishes

(Contributed by Robert Murray)

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog.

The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered. "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever - don't mess with them!

February 20, 2006

Get-R-Done

(Contributed by Jack Shuler)

Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.

Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.

Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.

In three generations, there will be no Democrats!!!

Damn, I love it when a plan comes together.

February 21, 2006

Fun At The Zoo

(Contributed by Bobby Hudson)

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

February 22, 2006

She Left Me

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

My wife left me...I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer.

I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12 pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up, but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup, I
said, "Wait a minute, I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you." I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

.....I don't think she'll be back.....

February 23, 2006

Best Chicken Joke

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the
headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on it's face.

The egg, looking a bit disgusted, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,
Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

If anyone needs it explained - read it a second time.

February 24, 2006

Al-Gebra

(Contributed by Robert Murray)

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. The FBI is charging him with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzalez said. "They desire average solutions by means of extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes".

February 25, 2006

Career Change

(Contributed by Robert Murray)

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..."

February 26, 2006

This is Heaven

(Contributed by Bob Bluhm)

They were 85 years old, and had been married for 60 years. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane unfortunately crashed, sending them off to heaven. They reached heaven, St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.

They gasped in astonishment when Peter said, "Welcome to heaven. This will be your home now.

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"Why, nothing, "said St. Peter. "Remember, this is your reward in heaven."

The old man looked out the window and he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" asked the old man. This is heaven,"

St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day, any time of the day you want. Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, and free flowing beverages.

"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is heaven, and it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the
decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is heaven!"

The old man inquired, "No gym to work out at?"

Not unless you want to," was the answer.

No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago!"

February 27, 2006

Your Dog's IQ

(Contributed by Paul Randall)

A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ.

Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

February 28, 2006

The Thoughtful Nurse

(Contributed by Bob Bluhm)

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with appendicitis. The doctors operated and informed him that all went well. However, he kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Concerned that there was a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally mustered up the energy to pull his hospital gown down far enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the type that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence:

"Have a speedy recovery.....from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

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