Three Traveling Men

(Contributed by Alice Connors)

There were three men traveling together, a priest, a farmer and a lawyer. It was starting to get late and they needed to find a place to sleep. They came across this farm and they asked the farmer there if they could spend the night. He said, "thats fine but my guest room is only big enough for two people, one of you will have to sleep in the barn."

The priest said, "I don't mind sleeping with God's creatures, I will take the barn."

So they all agreed and went to their rooms.

About an hour later there was a knock at the guest room door and there stood the priest. "There is a chicken in there that won't stop clucking! I'm sorry but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room."

"That's ok," said the farmer, "I'll sleep in the barn, after all, I'm used to it."

So they all agreed and traded places. About an hour later there was a knock at the guest room door and there stood the farmer. "I can't stand the odor from that cow in there any more. I'm sorry but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room."

"Well, I guess that leaves me," said the lawyer.

So he went to sleep in the barn. About an hour later there is a knock at the guest room door and there stands the chicken and the cow.

The Bear Facts

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

Mama Bear and Papa Bear were getting a divorce. The judge ask Baby Bear if he wanted to live with Papa Bear?

Baby Bear says, "Oh no, he beats me."

Well do you want to live with Mama Bear?

Baby Bear says, "Oh, no she beats me too".

The judge asks, " well who do you want to live with?"

I want to live with the Chicago Bears they don't beat anyone.

GO COLTS!!!!!!!!!!!
 

The Avid Golfer

(Contributed by Jonathan Bozwell)

Bill, an avid golfer, contacts a "Medium" and asks if there is a Golf Course in Heaven. The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to Bill in a few days.

After several days go by, Bill finally gets a call from the Medium. "Well," said Bill, "what did ya find out?"

"I've got good news and bad news for you," said the Medium.

"OK," "what's the good news" Bill exclaimed.

"Well," there is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in Heaven, and you'll have 24 hour access with your own personal caddy," blurted out the Medium.

"And the bad news?" asked Bill.

"You're due to tee-off this Sunday at around 10:30 in the morning."
 

(Contributed by Raymond Alverez)

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?"
the man answers "241."

"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!"

Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" the lady answers, "144."

"That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" the man answers, "51."

Albert responds, "How 'bout them Bears?"
 

Black Eye

(Contributed by Matt Starkey)

One night a man stumbled into the police station with a black eye. He claimed he had heard a noise in his back yard and went to investigate. The next he knew, he was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to his house to investigate, and he returned 1 - 1/2 hours later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same damn rake."
 

Cute Little Vase

(Contributed by Paul Hollingsworth)

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle.

He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He turns beet red in horror and goes, "Geez, oh . . . I . . ."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

Gotcha

(Contributed by Harvey McGinnis)

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves,
when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
 

Drastic Measures

(Contributed by Ben Meggit)

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband
is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
 

Blonde Education Department

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

The Blondes at the university were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbos. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged.

So they pressured the administration to set up a new Department especially for them. The university agreed, and set up the Blonde Education Department.

The Blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now. They wanted other students to see that they weren't just stupid bimbos after all, they now had their own department at the university.

So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department which sports the saying: "I Belong in B.E.D."

Who Is He

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

A blonde dude and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby...

One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.

The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father?"
 

The Lean

(Contributed by Dave Ketler)

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.  Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. 

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.  A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.  Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. 

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" 

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the grandson. . ."They won't let me fart."

A Good Beer

(Contributed by Johnny Holland)

Q: What do you call a beer that makes you laugh?

A: A Brew Ha Ha
 

Sex After Death

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to go. True to his word he made contact.

"Phyllis, Phyllis!"

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, and I have sex. I have breakfast, then it's off to the golf course, and I have sex again. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, I'm off to the golf course again. Then I have sex until late at night. The next day it starts all over again."

"Oh, my, Fred, you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."

Something To Ponder

(Contributed by Mike Rowe)

Why does a Chicken Coupe have two doors?

If it had four doors, it would be a Chicken Sedan.

Amen Brother

(Contributed by Jerry Hudson)

Two elderly, excited women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher. When this preacher condemned the sin of lust, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs..."AMEN, BROTHER!"

When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, they yelled again..."PREACH IT, REVEREND!"

And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying...they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER...TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN!"

But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet, and one turned to the other and said, "He's done quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."
 

Dallas Air Traffic Controller

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R -- Allah be Praised!!"

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. -- Allah is Great!!"

Pause: Static.............

Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!! "

Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!

Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us -- ya hear?

Four Things

(Contributed by Heather Barton)

What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?

They are four ways you can lose your house!
 

The Sailor And The Computer

(Contributed by Nash Forester)

A retired Florida sailor purchased a computer and began to learn all about computing. Being a sailor, he was used to addressing his ships as "She" or "He". But was unsure what was proper for computers.

To solve his dilemma, he set up two groups of computer experts: one group was male, and the other group was female.

The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to as "HE" because:

1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better model.

The group of men reported that computers should be referred to as "SHE" because:

1. No one but the creator understands their logic. 2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
 

Three Italian Nuns Go To Heaven

(Contributed by Jack Shuler)

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren ;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, " I want to be Sara Pipalini .."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asked.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
 

Fascinate

(Contributed by The Florida Dudette)

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'"

Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for is bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.

Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."
 

Game Show

(Contributed by Harvey Connor)

Our parents got divorced when we were kids and it was kind of cool. We got to go to divorce court with them. It was like a game show. My mom won the house and car. We're all excited. My dad got some luggage.
 

Old Football Injury

(Contributed by Johnny Winston)

Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. His co-worker, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.

Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. Just an old football injury that acts up once in awhile."

Josh said, "Gee, I never knew you played football."

Andy replied, "No, I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Super Bowl. I put my foot through the television...."
 

Grandma's Boyfriend

(Contributed by Gloria Sartin)

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toy’s in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel
good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma then turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend." The minister fainted!

Pecking Order

(Contributed by Art Pullen)

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."

"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.

The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.

"That one costs 2,000 dollars."

"And what does that one do?" the man asked.

The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
 

The Nude Runner

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.

He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes
and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of
runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run? "

"Nope.........just when it's raining
 

Procrastination

(Contributed by Brenda Johnson)

My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate."

I said, "Just wait."
 

Send My Luggage

(Contributed by Burt McDonald)

Passenger to Delta Airline Ticket Agent: I want my brown suitcase sent to Los Angeles, my green suitcase sent to Kansas City, and my tan suitcase sent to New Orleans.

Ticket Agent: I'm sorry, sir; this flight is to Nashville. We can't do that.

Passenger: Why not ? You did it last time.
 

The Lucky Old Man

(Contributed by Terry Crawford)

An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.

"Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make love. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love."

The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!"

So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"