Beethoven's Ninth

School Daze

Contributed by Perry Woods

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, '....These aren't my boots.' She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?', like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, '....Now, where are your mittens?' He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in just three short years.

Little Children and Death

Contributed by Gerry Jones

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.  Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead Robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son and into the hole he goes."

Contributed by Roger Smith

A man is at the bar for a Super Bowl party, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good Samaritans and get him home. So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door.

On the way to the car, he falls down three times.

When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times.

They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!"

The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"

Snow

Contributed by Glen Tilley

One winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." Norman's wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,"we are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can ge through." Norman's wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they were again having breakfast when the radio announcer said, "we are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today, you must park......Then the power went out. Normans's wife was very upset and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice, that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman said, "why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

Grandma's Revenge

Contributed by Cokie Hudson

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased.

I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."

Three Times

Contributed by Perry Woods

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so I of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"Alright", Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

Parrot With An Attitude

Contributed by SFC Larry Batten

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of this bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything he could think of to set a good example. Nothing worked.

Finally, John got fed up and he yelled at the parrot. And, the bird yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the bird got angrier and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, John put the bird in the refrigerator freezer.

For a few minutes, John heard the bird squawk and kick and scream... then suddenly there was quiet. Not a peep for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the bird, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am truly sorry, and I will do everything to correct my poor behavior."

John was astonished at the bird's change of attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Contributed by Ed Abbot

A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation, lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.

"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," says the agent.

"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaims. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and George Bush, Sr on the other."

"This I gotta see," replies the agent.

With that, the guy drops his pants and shows the agent.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent. "Have a safe trip back to New York."

"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from New York ?"

The agent replies, "I recognized Hillary Clinton in the middle."

The Cow

Contributed by Robert Murray

The only cow in a small town in Alberta, Canada, stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Melfort, Saskatchewan, for $200. They bought the cow from Saskatchewan and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the local veterinarian, who was very wise, what to do. They told the vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away" they said. "If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The veterinarian thinks about this for a minute and asks, "Did you buy this cow in Saskatchewan ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Saskatchewan ?"

The veterinarian replied, with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Saskatchewan ."

Two Nuns Shopping

Contributed by Bambi Strickland

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

"The curlers are on me."

100% Polar Bear

Contributed by Cheryl Meade

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"

"Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear."

A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"

"Son, I'm 100% polar bear and your mother is 100% polar bear, so you're certainly 100% polar bear."

A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear again turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I really need to know... am I really 100% polar bear?"

Distressed by this continued questioning, the father polar bear finally asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?"

"Because I'm freezing to death out here!"

The Press

Contributed by Perry Woods

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

"Why, it was nothing" said the biker. "Really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

"I noticed a patch on your jacket" said the journalist.

"Yeah, I ride with a Christian motorcycle club" the biker replies.

"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page." The
journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:

"BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH"

Alcohol Excess

Contributed by Roger Smith

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the sh*t out of me.
So that's it!!!
After today, no more reading........

How To Solve A Mid-Life Crisis

Contributed by Rick Tallman

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10-inch black and white TV; but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal.

Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed, and plasma screen TV; but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10 -inch black and white TV.

Ready for a Date

Contributed by Ed Abbot

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her door bell rang. There stood her date.

He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late - and you're still not ready?"

Contributed by Roy Bauch

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do,'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan

Yep,' was the calm reply.

And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

Crabs

Contributed by Ellen Butler

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did. The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them herself.

Men never learn.

I've Been Circumcised

Contributed by Mark Tillman

Two five year old boys are standing at the potty to pee.

One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"

"I've been circumcised." the other one says.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My Mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?"

"You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a year!"

Anger Management

Contributed by Betty Blackburn

Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"

Wife: "I clean the toilet .."

Husband: "How does that help?"

Wife: "I use your toothbrush."

Ordering Oriental

Contributed by Shaun Szarnicki

A couple goes out for dinner and decides to try a new Chinese restaurant. After reading the menu and talking to the waiter, they order the house specialty "Chicken Surpirse."

After a while, the waiter arrives with a large, cast iron pot. As the wife reaches for the lid, it lifts slightly and two beady eyes peer out. As she pulls her hand back, the lid settles back on the pot.

She asks her husband if he's seen what's happened. He had not and reaches for the lid. Again, it lifts and two beady eyes peer out at him and then the lid settles. He calls the waiter over and explains what's happened.

"So what you order" the waiter asks.

The husband explains that they have ordered Chicken Surprise.

Bowing, the waiter says "So sorry, my fault. I bring you Peeking Duck."

Three Astronauts

Contributed by Jerry Lauder

Once upon a time Nasa decided to send three astronauts to space for 2 years.

NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each.

The first astronaut decided to take along his wife, the second decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, while the third astronaut decided to take along cigarettes.

Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home.

First came the first astronaut and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms.

Next, out came the second astronaut speaking fluent German.

They both gave their speeches and got a rousing applause.

Suddenly out came the third astronaut with a cigarette in his mouth.

He walked up to the podium and snarled to the crowd and asked, 'Has anyone got a friggin' match?'

The Doctors

Contributed by Bob Dinkins

A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks."

A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks.."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, and no heart, put her in the White House, and then half the country will be out looking for work."

Bees Wax

Contributed by Perry Woods

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?"

"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been cold, wet and damp, and there aren't any flowers, so I can't make honey."

"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."

"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and flew away.

A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?"

"Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and, oh, such huge floral arrangements on every table."

"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.

"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

Witch Doctor Weather

Contributed by Burney Hutson

A film crew is on location in Kenya, when a tribal shaman approaches the director and says, "Tomorrow rain." The director pays no attention, but the following day it pours and shooting has to be delayed.

That night, the director sends his assistant to bring the shaman back. "What will be the weather tomorrow?" asks the director.

"Bigger rain tomorrow, much wind," and sure enough a terrible storm once again delays the filming.

But then the witch doctor disappears for a week and the director, now depending on him, sends his people out to find him and bring him back to camp.

Finally, he is located and brought to the director's tent. "What will be the weather tomorrow?" asks the director in desperation.

"No idea," says the shaman, "Radio batteries dead."

The Knob

Contributed by Bruce Bigley

A surgeon told a lady about a new procedure called 'The Knob', where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob'.

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful. T he woman remained young looking and vibrant! After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All of these years, everything has been working just fine. I have turned the knob many times and have been very pleased with the results. But now, I've developed two annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee!"

Contributed by Joe Bernard

Man robs a bank and takes hostages. He asks the first hostage if he saw him rob the bank.

Hostage answers yes. Robber shoots him in the head.

Asks second hostage if he saw him rob the bank.

Hostage answers no, but my wife did.

The Annulment

Contributed by Jackie Gunther

Bubba and Betty Lou had married under none too happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been lived together for thirty five years, Bubba went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole of Gatlinburg, TN gasped with amazement.

A date for the hearing was set, however, and when the time came the judge demanded to know the grounds on which Bubba based his demand for an annulment.

"It's like this, your Honor," answered Bubba, "I've just learned that Betty Lou's father never had a license to carry a gun."

Lawyers

Contributed by Roy Bauch

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.  As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver*s door of the Lexus.

The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it
new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can*t believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "My goodness, don*t you even realize that your left arm is missing?  It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"Oh No!" screamed the lawyer.

"Where's my Rolex?"