February 3, 2009

From The Mouth Of Babes

Contributed by Sammy O'Hare

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

Contributed by Belinda Haralson

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby, "how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?"

February 5, 2009

New Use For Windex

Contributed by Bob Dinkins

If you ever get the sudden Urge to run around naked. . .

You should sniff some Windex first.

It'll keep you from streaking.

February 6, 2009

Son Of A Lawyer

Contributed by Bonita Harrington

While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Adam," replied the second.

"My daddy is a doctor. What does YOUR daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.

Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Joshua.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.

February 7, 2009

Bank Robber

Contributed by Pam Underwood

An armed hooded robber bursts into a Bank in Florida and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot one brave customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber.

There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Snow Bird, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think my wife may have caught a glimpse."

February 8, 2009

Touché

Contributed by Bob Connelly

A doctor calls his patient and says; the check you gave me for my bill came back.

The patient replied: So did my arthritis!

February 9, 2009

Father

Contributed by Tom Cronk

A little boy got on the bus; sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, 'I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, 'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'

February 10, 2009

Use These Words In A Sentence

Contributed by Marty Holland

Children were called upon a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words "Defeat," "Defense," "Deduct," and "Detail."

Jack stood thinking for a while, all eyes focused on him while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he then proudly shouted out, "Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail."

February 11, 2009

Dear Abby

Contributed by Ed Abbot

DEAR ABBY:

'I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?'

Sam in California

DEAR SAM:

'Register as a Republican, and run for public office.

February 12, 2009

Piercing a Pirate

Contributed by The Florida Dude

Q: How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?

A: A buck an ear.

February 13, 2009

Legal Question

Contributed by Paula Morrison

Two prisoners were sitting in their cell talking, one said to the other, “You are getting out in a couple of weeks, are you going straight or back in Politics.

February 14, 2009

Procrastination

Contributed by Jason Cantrell

My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate."

I said, "Just wait."

February 15, 2009

Redneck Wins Lottery

Contributed by Hazel Harrington

A Florida Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Tallahassee to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.

The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

To which the man replied, "No sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.

The Redneck said, "I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."

Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!''

February 16, 2009

Census

Contributed by Cecil Kingsley

Census Taker: "How many children do you have?"

Woman: "Four."

Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?"

Woman: "Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George."

Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?"

Woman: "Because we didn't want any Moe."

February 17, 2009

Now I Have Seen It All

Contributed by Rodger Smith

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.

His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

'Johnny!' Mom screams. 'Knock it off!.' You're going

to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge, a diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"

February 18, 2009

Child Custody

Contributed by Martin Burton

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

February 19, 2009

Burning Question

Contributed by Pat Garrett

A little boy asks his mother, “Mommy, how do lions make love?”

His mother replied “I don’t know, son. All of your father’s friends are in the Elk’s Club….”

February 20, 2009

Sermon on Lying

Contributed by Ellen Butler

A minister told his congregation, "Next week, I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

February 21, 2009

Cooking Question

Contributed by Connie Banyan

Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

A: 100. One to make the batter and 99 to crack the shells on the M&Ms.

February 22, 2009

We Don't Match

Contributed by The Florida Dude

A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy....how come I'm black and you're white?"

His mother replied, "Don't even go there!  From what I can remember about that damn party, you're lucky you don't bark!

February 23, 2009

Kinfolk

Contributed by John "Bo" Lackey

Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at their local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, 'If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?'

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, 'Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even.

February 24, 2009

Three Dead Bodies

Contributed by Ed Abbot

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector, "First body is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."

"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whiskey. He died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.

"The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning."

"Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"She thought she was having her picture taken."