Florida Dude - Joke of the Day

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January 2003

January 1, 2003

Old Fashion Remedy

(Contributed By The Dude)

A woman went to the Doctor's office, where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older Doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and told her to go relax in another room.

The older Doctor marched down hallway to the back where the first Doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

January 2, 2003

THE PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE
(why I drink beer)

(Contributed by Dennis Sparks)

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks - rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar were full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of small pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor then picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life.

The rocks are the important things - your family, your health, your children - things that if everything else were lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter such as your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there's no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you'll never have room for the things that are important to you. "Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. There'll always be time to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.

Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then a student took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces and soaked into the sand within the jar, making the jar truly full.

Which proves that no matter how full your life is, there's always room for a beer.

January 3, 2003

The Perfect Wish

(Contributed by Jay Wilson)

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope, sorry. Three-wish genies are a myth. Most of us are just single wish types. I'm a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be? The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for centuries. I'm good but not THAT good! Don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please make it a bit more reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for..... a perfect mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said, "Show me the damn map again."

January 4, 2003

Indecent Proposal

(Contributed by Bob Murphey)

A guy who has a really bad stutter was walking down the street one day when he bumps into an old friend.

"It's been a long time, " says the friend, "What have you been up to?"

" I a-a-almost got m-m-m-married" the man replies.

"What do you mean almost?" the friend asks.

"W-w-w-we were sitting on the p-p-porch, and the d-dog was s-s-scratching his back, and I said, 'H-h-honey, w-w-w-would y-y-you do that f-f-f-for me?' and she p-p-punched me out and l-l-left.

"All you did was ask her to scratch your back? What's wrong with that?" inquired the friend.

"W-w-well, by the time I g-g-g-got it out, he was l-l-licking his b-b-balls."

January 5, 2003

Favorite Things

(Contributed by Pat Good)

There are recent rumors that Julie Andrews did a concert for AARP.
Ms. Andrews sang a favorite from the Sound of Music, Favorite Things.
There were a few changes to the words, to fit in with the AARP theme.
Here are the new words to this tune:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillac's and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinin,
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

January 6, 2003

What's The Rub

(Contributed by Colin Daniel)

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"

"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."

Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"

"Why?" his father asked.

"Because the mailman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom."

January 7, 2003

Inventor to Inventor

(Contributed by Jay Wilson)

ARTHUR DAVIDSON, INVENTOR OF THE HARLEY DAVIDSON MOTORCYCLE CORPORATION, DIED AND WENT TO HEAVEN.

AT THE GATES, ST. PETER TOLD ARTHUR, "SINCE YOU'VE BEEN SUCH A GOOD MAN AND YOUR MOTORCYCLES HAVE CHANGED THE WORLD, YOUR REWARD IS, YOU CAN HANG OUT WITH ANYONE YOU WANT IN HEAVEN."

ARTHUR THOUGHT ABOUT IT FOR A MINUTE AND THEN SAID, "I WANT TO HANG OUT WITH GOD."

ARTHUR THEN ASKED GOD " HEY, AREN'T YOU THE INVENTOR OF WOMAN?" GOD SAID, "AH, YES."

"WELL," SAID ARTHUR, "PROFESSIONAL TO PROFESSIONAL, YOU HAVE SOME MAJOR DESIGN FLAWS IN YOUR INVENTION:

1. THERE'S TOO MUCH INCONSISTENCY IN THE FRONT-END PROTRUSION.

2. IT CHATTERS CONSTANTLY AT HIGH SPEEDS.

3. MOST OF THE REAR ENDS ARE TOO SOFT AND WOBBLE TOO MUCH.

4. THE INTAKE IS PLACED WAY TO CLOSE TO THE EXHAUST.

5. THE MAINTENANCE COSTS ARE OUTRAGEOUS."

"HMMM, YOU MAY HAVE SOME GOOD POINTS THERE," REPLIED GOD, "HOLD ON. "SO GOD WENT TO HIS CELESTIAL SUPER COMPUTER, TYPED IN A FEW WORDS, AND WAITED FOR THE RESULTS.

THE COMPUTER PRINTED OUT A SLIP OF PAPER AND GOD READ IT.

"WELL, IT MAY BE TRUE THAT MY INVENTION IS FLAWED," GOD SAID TO ARTHUR, "BUT ACCORDING TO THESE NUMBERS, MORE MEN ARE RIDING MY INVENTION THAN YOURS".

January 8, 2003

Lexigrams

(Contributed by Gordon Dudley)

A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown-a-part.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

January 9, 2003

Boudreaux

(Contributed by Johnny Pirkle)

One night, a police officer was staking out a rowdy bar for possible violations of the DUI laws.

At closing time he saw Boudreaux stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his key on 5 different cars before he found his.

Then Boudreaux sat in the front seat fumbling with his keys for several minutes. By this time, everyone had left the bar and drove off. Finally Boudreaux started his car and began to pull away from the curb.

The officer was waiting for him. He stopped Boudreaux, read him his rights and called for the DUI van. In the meantime, he had ol' Boudreaux perform numerous field sobriety test and to the officers amazement, Boudreaux passed every one!

Once the van arrived they brought Boudreaux inside and had him blow into the Breathalyzer. The results were an astonishing 0.00. Puzzled, the officer demanded to know how this could be.

With his best Cajun grin, Boudreaux replied.... "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy!"

January 10, 2003

Three Kick Rule

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Iowa.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The attorney responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Iowa. We settle small disagreements like this with the Iowa Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is this three-kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."

(I love this...)

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.

January 11, 2003

A Pair of Tickets

(Contributed by Buster Sutton)

Ticket 1

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Ticket 2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

January 12, 2003

A Blonde Cook's Diary

(Contributed by Robert VanDyke)

MONDAY:

It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY:

Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY:

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY:

Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY:

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY:

Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY:

Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.

This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

January 13, 2003

Big Fat Mystery

(Contributed by Bob Yearwood, Sr)

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Let's see now . . .

No beer, No booze, No bars, No television, No cheerleaders, No baseball, No football, No basketball, No hockey, No golf, No tailgate parties, No Hooters, No pork BBQ, No hot dogs, No burgers, No lobster, No shellfish, Not even frozen fish sticks.

Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next door because he's sick and there are no doctors. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.

No chocolate chip cookies, No Christmas.

You can't shave, Your wife can't shave, You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung. The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times. Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey. But your donkey has a better disposition.

Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better! Is there a mystery here?

January 14, 2003

This is the Captain Speaking

(Contributed by Burt Harrison)

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:

"I think everyone's asleep, lets go"

"This one's empty ... no-ones looking... you go in first"

"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down"

"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on"

Sniff sniff

"Ah perfume - you think of everything"

"This is great....." (long sigh)

Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.

"This is the Captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations...Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!"

January 15, 2003

Not A Second Thought

(Contributed by Howard Chandler)

At Heathrow Airport, a 300-foot long red carpet stretches out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth II. They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they then board an open 17th century coach pulled by six magnificent white matching horses.

They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons. So far everything is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of flatulence ever heard in the British Empire and so powerful that it shakes the coach.

Uncomfortable, but under control, the two Dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident. But, embarrassed, the Queen decides it's impossible to ignore it.

"Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things not even a Queen can control."

Ever the Texas gentleman, the President replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses!"

January 16, 2003

Oh Dear

(Contributed by Gordon Dudley)

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms -- Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said,

"I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

January 17, 2003

Male Self-Esteem

(Contributed by Deborah "Sam" Hassinger)

A typical American male was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness from Australia which he read on the way home. He finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said. "From now on, I want you to know that "I" am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

"The funeral director?" said his wife.

January 18, 2003

Witty Things to Say During a Colonoscopy

(Contributed by Gordon Dudley)

" Take it easy, Doc-you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

"Can you hear me NOW?"

"Oh, boy! That was sphincteriffic!"

"Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

"You know, in some states, we're now legally married."

"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

"You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey..."

Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

"If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

January 19, 2003

The Retreat

(Contributed by Horace Alvis)

At the retreat, Imee and John were told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'

Imee wrote: 'When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like John and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of physical sex with one another.'

And John wrote: 'I love sex.'

January 20, 2003

OH MY GOD

(Contributed by Gary Dixon)

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed. "Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.

"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated "NO! Get away from me!"

"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.

She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money....

"Well, OK...but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...

OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?

January 21, 2003

Bits of Wisdom

(Contributed by Johnny Pirkle)

Love is grand;
divorce is a hundred grand.

I am in shape.
Round is a shape.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Even if you are on the right track,
you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.

There will always be death and taxes;however, death doesn't get worse every year.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

Dijon vu --
the same mustard as before.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

Practice safe eating --
always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to
say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty,
it also begins to show.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

January 22, 2003

SEC Football Fans

(Contributed by Buster Sutton)

A Tennessee fan, an Alabama fan and a Florida fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe >offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be >released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Alabama fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Alabama fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Florida fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Florida fan out crying like a little girl.

The Tennessee fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your supporters are some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thanks, your most Royal Highness," the Tennessee fan replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

"Tie the Florida fan to my back."

January 23, 2003

ANOTHER BLOND JOKE

(Contributed by Valeria Cook Gibson)

A blond was shopping at K-Mart and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

"Wow," said the blond, "that's amazing... I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss, who is also blond, saw it on her desk. "What's that?" he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos ... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

"Wow, that's amazing," said the boss, "what do you have in it?"

"Two Popsicles and some coffee."

January 24, 2003

A Friendly Drink

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

A Floridian, a New Yorker and a Canadian are in a bar one night having a beer.

The New Yorker drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass into the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In New York, our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same ones twice."

The Canadian, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Canada, we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either!"

The Floridian, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the New Yorker and Canadian.

He turns to the bartender and says, "In Florida, we have so many New Yorkers and Canadians that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice!"

January 25, 2003

To Tell The Truth

(Contributed by Larry Weaver)

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

January 26, 2003

Knee-Jerk Reaction

(Contributed by Ed Walsh)

An old man lived alone in Missouri. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Jefferson City Prison.

   The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"

   At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen police showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

   His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do at this time."

January 27, 2003

Please, Please Hurry !!

(Contributed by Buster Sutton)

"Send someone over quickly!" Granny screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!"

"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."

"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"

January 28, 2003

Will I Live Unit I'm 80?

(Contributed by Robert VanDyke)

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"

"Oh no", I replied, "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?

I said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?"

He asked.

"No I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy women?",

"No," I said, "I've never done any of those things."

He look at me and said, "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80 ??"

January 29, 2003

Aroma Therapy?

(Contributed by James D. Clark)

Achmed came to the United States from Afghanistan, and he was only here a few months when he became rather ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor. The doctor said, "Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."

Achmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"

The doctor said, "You were homesick."

January 30, 2003

New Beverage

(Contributed by Johnny Pirkle)

Pfizer Corp. is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be available
in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims:
"It will now be possible for a man to literally "pour himself a stiff one".

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old fashioned stiff drink.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "Mount And Do. "

January 31, 2003

Flowers

(Contributed by Jay Wilson)

Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

One leaned over the other and said, "Crimony sakes! Life is boring. We never have any fun these days. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the darned flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars.

As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes, and while completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall.

His friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by a loud roar of applause. The streaker burst back out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. Hurriedly, he ran over to his eager buddy.

"Wow, what happened?" asked his friend.

"It was great!" he said, "I won first prize for best dried arrangement!"