Florida Dude - Joke of the Day

Signs You Have a Hangover

(Contributed by A. J.)

You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."
Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
You'd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.
You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
All day long your motto is, "Never again."
You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"

(Contributed by Scott Perry)

A guy was limping, and his friend asked him what was up.

It's just a football injury."

"Uh, aren't you kinda small for a football player?"

"Oh - no - I never played football, I just lost a shit-load of money on the Gator Bowl at Alltel Stadium on New Years day, and kicked in the TV."

(Contributed by Larry Weaver)

A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London.

''Excuse me, but if you want a steak you might not get one, as there is a shortage due to the mad cow disease,'' says the waiter.

The Texan says, ''What's a shortage?''

The Russian says, ''What's a steak?''

The New Yorker says, ''What's excuse me?''

Our local drugstore was robbed of 500 bottles of Viagra.

The suspect is known to be a hardened criminal!

An old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done"

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.”

The Panda Bear

(Contributed by Mary McDonald)

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant.

The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary.

The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear." It says, ''Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves.''

(Contributed by Rick Binkley)

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

She replies, "I guess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."

Now, she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but, thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay,...how old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"No", she says.

He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, turns around, bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"

(Contributed by Bob Yearwood, Sr.)

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

Searching For A Chief Samurai

(Contributed by Andre' D'Elena)

Long ago and far away there was in the land of the Samurai a powerful emperor who needed a new Chief Samurai, so he sent a declaration throughout the land that he was searching for the best one. A year passed, and only three people showed up for the trials:

1 - Japanese Samurai
2 - Chinese Samurai
3 - Jewish Samurai

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai.

The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out flew a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his razor sharp sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground in two pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: "This is impressive .

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai; for him to demonstrate why he should be chosen.

The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box, and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! Went his great flashing sword, and the fly dropped dead on the ground -- in four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed in awe: "That is really VERY impressive."

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him also to step forward and demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai.

The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a small gnat. His lightning quick sword went Whooooosh! Whooooosh! Whoooosh! But the tiny gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously very disappointed in this display, said: "I see you are not up to the task, for the gnat is not dead."

The Jewish Samurai merely smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore..

She started to rub it and out popped a genie.

"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaimed.

"No," said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."

"Let's see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles, though.. Yes, that's it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed."

POOF!!!!!

And just like that.....her ears were gone.

The good news is the war lasted only 100 days.

The bad news is . . . Lee Greenwood is HOT again!

A guy & a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

(Contributed by Jack Shuler)

Just watched a show on TV. There was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!," he sez.

"He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.

"Number 1 - He played the sax.

"Number 2 - He smoked weed.

and Number 3 - He screwed ugly white women."

"Even now - Look at him.

His wife works and he don't;

And, he gets a check from the government every month."

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big boobs"

For all of us who miss those great old tunes from the 60s and 70s, there's good news! Some of our old favorites have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate maturing audiences.

** Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash"

** Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker"

** The Beatles - "I Get by with a Little Help from Depends"

** Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

** The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

** The Temptations - "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"

** Nancy Sinatra - "These Boots Aren't Made for Bunions"

** Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"

** Roberta Flack - "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

** ABBA - "Denture Queen"

** Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

** Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom"

** Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"

** Martha & The Vandellas - "The Do Run Runs"

** The Lettermen - "When I Fall In Tub"

** Little Eva - "Prilosec-Motion"

** Little Richard - "Keep A Rockin"

** Bobby Darin - "Under The Knife"

** James Brown - "Papa's Got A Brand New Colostomy Bag"

(Contributed by Clarance McBride)

A policeman stops a motorist late one Saturday night and says, ''Excuse me sir, have you been drinking?''

Windows 2000 Tennessee Edition

(Contributed by Paul Szarnicki)

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2000 TENNESSEE EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the STATE of TENNESSEE.

If you have one of these, you may need help understanding the commands. The TENNESSEE EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 2000, with a background picture of Willie Nelson superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniel's.


CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN TENNESSEE EDITION:

	Cancel............stopdat Reset.............try'er agin Yes...............yep No................nope Find..............hunt fer it Go to.............over yonder Back..............back yonder Help..............hep me out here Stop..............kwitit (WHOA!) Start............crank'er up Settings..........settins Programs......... stuff at duz stuff Documents....... stuff ah done did

Also note that the TENNESSEE EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2000:

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you received a copy of the TENNESSEE EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

I hope this helps all y'all!

Billy Bob Gates

Man: I'd like some chocolate ice cream.

Scooper: I'm sorry sir, but we're out of chocolate. Would you like something else?

Man: Yes, I'd like some chocolate ice cream.

Scooper: I'm sorry, but we don't have that. Would you like to try a different flavor?

Man: Um... yes. I'd like some chocolate ice cream.

Scooper: We don't have that. How about a different kind of ice cream?

Man: I'll have some chocolate ice cream.

Scooper: Look, Mister, can you spell the “van” in vanilla?

Man: V-A-N.

Scooper: Can you spell the “straw” in strawberry?

Man: S-T-R-A-W.

Scooper: Can you spell the “f--k” in chocolate?

Man: But there is no “f--k” in chocolate!

Scooper: That's what I've been trying to tell you!

THE YEAR 2003's BEST HEADLINES

(Contributed by Tom Cronk)

SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS

IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT

WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE

IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY IT MAY LAST AWHILE

COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES

COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE

RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGES

TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY; HUNDREDS DEAD

NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP

KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS

HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS

(Contributed by Bryan McCarthey)

Q: What do you get when you find a dead blonde in a closet?

(Contributed by Cecilia Keasler)

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table but she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. And as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her. . .

"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat."

(Contributed by Johnny Bentley)

A man was heading to England and his next-door neighbor Mrs. Dunn had just sent her son Olmos off to England a week ago. He hadn't called since he was there, so she asked the man to get him to call her. She knew he was staying in a big white house so she told him that.

When he arrived in England, the man asked the first person he saw for the big white house.

Thinking he meant the outhouse, the Brit said, ''It is in the middle of the park.''

So the man went to the park and saw a white house in the center. He knocked on the door and said, ''Are you Olmos Dunn?''

A voice came from inside, ''Yeah, I just have to find the toilet paper.''

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, since it was pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Then on Thursday, the swelling went down enough so he could start to see her just a little out of the corner of his left eye.

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They 're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"

(Contributed by Debbie Lentz-Hassinger)

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied, "Well that first hearse is for my husband."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

The first woman inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

"His mistress. She tried to help my husband, then the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away....

"We're down here ."

(Contributed by Lt. Donald Harrilson)

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"

The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said tot he first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike." The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.

The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."

The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"

(Contributed by Helen Arnold)

How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?