Florida Dude - Joke of the Day

A Chicken and an Egg are lying in bed. The Chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face, and the Egg is frowning and looking a tad put out.

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.

"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened.

We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'.

So I took the truck!"

"Bubba, you're a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

Bambi, a dumb blonde, said to her friend Mitzi, "I'm breaking up with my boyfriend Bob!"

"Are you crazy?" replied equally dumb and blonde Mitzi. "He's gorgeous, and rich too!"

"Well, last night Bob told me he was bisexual." exclaimed Bambi.

"You're making the right choice then." said Mitzi, seriously. "After all, who wants to do it only twice a year?!"

The guy from Texas says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is! Just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands, and castrated that sucker with my teeth."

The guy from Colorado couldn't stand to be bested. . .says, "That's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit it's head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp, and I'm still here today."

The cowboy from Montana remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his pecker.

The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow."

1. Say, "Damn, officer, you must have been going fast to keep up with me!"

2. When he approaches you, stare at his gut and say, "Hmmm. I thought cops had to be physically fit."

3. Sway and ask if his bulletproof vest protects him from projectile vomiting.

4. Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.

5. Throw his nightstick and tell the police dog to fetch it.

6. Ask him if you can use his pepper spray to spice up your pizza.

7. Tell him you wanted to be a cop, but decided to graduate high school instead.

8. When he asks you to walk the line, "Riverdance" instead.

9. Instead of pleading the 5th amendment, plead the 13th or 16th.

10. When he asks for your license, say, "Oh sure, officer, can you hold my beer for a sec?"

A busload of politicians was driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn. The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians.

A few days later, the local Sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The Sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, they were ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

A man and his professional girlfriend are having a sexual encounter. He asks her to "go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.

After a couple minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice "Well, what the hell are you doing?"

She said "I'm doing what I always do, when I'm downtown with no money.... just looking."

The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out: "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write to us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mom through?"

The girl, crying: "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT? Out of here, you shameless harlot, sinner, you're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this fur coat and title to a mansion, a savings account certificate of $5 million for my little brother, and for you, Daddy, this gold Rolex, the spanking new BMW that's parked outside and a lifetime membership to the Country
Club...and an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again: Sniff, sniff "A prostitute Dad!" ... Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Gee - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"

"I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?"

Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"

Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

The mechanic says, "It'll take me about an hour to look it over. In the meantime, why don't you go across the street to the ice cream parlor and have some ice cream."

So the penguin goes across the street and orders some ice cream. But he has to eat it by sticking his beak into the bowl because penguins have no hands.

About an hour later the penguin goes back across the street to the garage. The mechanic sees him come in and says, "You blew a seal!"

1. Two radio antennas meet on a roof, fall in love, and finally get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "OK, I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

5. Two peanuts walk into a bar . . . one was a salted.

6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

8. Two cannibals are eating a circus clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

9. Patient: "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'" Doc: "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." Patient: "Is it common?" Doc says, "It's Not Unusual."

10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly: "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

11. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put him down." The owner says: "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" The vet answers: "No, because he's really heavy."

12. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high!"

13. An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

15. I went to a seafood disco last week. . . and pulled a mussel.

16. Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes? A: A fsh.

17. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Joe loved golf, but his eyesight had gotten so bad, that he couldn't find his ball once he'd hit it. He consulted with his wife, and she recommended that Joe bring along her uncle Ted.

Joe said, "But Ted is 80 years old and half senile!"

His wife replied, "Yes, but his eyesight is incredible."

Joe finally agreed and took Ted along. He teed off and could feel that he had hit it solidly. He asked Ted, "Do you see it?"

Ted nodded his head and said, "Boy, that was a beautiful shot!"

Joe excitedly asked, "Well, where did it land?!"

Ted said, "Hmmm. I forget."

A husband walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot

Funeral Services are pending

Mother Superior calls all the Nuns together and says to them: "I must tell you all something. We have a case of Gonorrhea in the Convent."

A young man graduated from University of Alabama with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Alabama, he went back to the country to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"

The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"

After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."

Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."

One day a group of 6 year olds were sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy:

Tommy do you see the tree outside?

TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He just doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:

LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one!

A man goes into the unemployment office in Los Angeles to look at job openings on the bulletin board. Since there aren't many jobs it doesn't take him long. Then, just as he's on his way out, he spots something.

"Wanted," it says, "Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors. $500 per day, guaranteed, plus company car and all expenses."

Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, but he makes a note and walks up at the counter.

"I'd like to apply for this job," he says, "reference number E/784/B46."

"Oh, that one," says the clerk. "It's a model agency right here in Los Angeles. They're looking for a pubic hair snipper."

"The agency supplys girls who model underwear and bathing suits. Before they go on the catwalk, they'd report to you and you would inspect them carefully and snip off any wisps of pubic hair showing. It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks. It involves quite a lot of travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London... that sort of thing... and you have to get used to expense account living in first-class hotels."

"I reckon I could learn to live with all that," says the fellow. "I'd really like to apply for the job."

The clerk shrugs and says, "OK, here's an application form and a bus ticket to Fresno."

"Fresno? What do I wanna go to Fresno for?"

"Well," says the clerk, "that's where the end of the application line is at the moment!"

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the Florida Lottery. He goes to Tallahassee to claim it, where the man verifies his ticket number.

The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

To which the man replied, "No sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out over the next 19 years.

The Redneck said, "I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."

Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!''

(Contributed by Melinda Patterson)

The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who was just as obviously enjoying himself.

He came swishing down the aisle and said to the man and the woman seated beside him, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that the woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one!"

"Well, sweet cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put up the damn tray.

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick. That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

(Contributed by Pete Nelson)

The elderly man told his wife he was going to sign up for social security. She says, "You can't do that, you lost your birth certificate."

So when he returns the next day, he is all smiles and says, "I'm all signed up and no problems."

He replies, "I took off my shirt and showed her all the gray hair on my chest, and showed her all the gray hair on my head."

The wife states, "Well, why didn't you drop your pants, we could have gotten disability too."

(Contributed by Chuck Morrison)

A gentleman is sitting next to the Pope on an airplane. He sees that the Pope is doing a crossword puzzle. He thinks to himself, "I love doing crossword puzzles. I hope he will ask me for help."

Time passes, and the Pope says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know a four-letter word that describes a woman and ends in 'unt'?"

The gentleman thinks about this and was about to answer when he realized he couldn't say something like that to the Pope. He thinks a while longer and finally says, "I believe the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."

The Pope replies, "Oh, you're right. That fits too. Would you happen to have an eraser?"

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads. We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.

The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington.

When one of these women gets married, on her wedding night, the husband gets to peal off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, or a motel in the United States.

(Contributed by Rhea Graves)

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, Spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when He sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and The morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, And breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when She tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.

George Bush and his accomplice Dick Cheney were riding on an elephant. A group of bystanders were watching intently. All of a sudden someone in the crowd shouted, "Hey look that elephant has two assholes on it!"

Once upon a time, a Sultan was blessed with the birth of a son after years of hoping. The boy immediately became the apple of his father's eye.

Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan said to him, "Son, I love you very much. Your birthday is coming soon. What would you like?"

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane."

His father bought him American Airlines.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you are my pride and joy. Ask what you want for your birthday. Whatever it is, it's yours."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat."

His father bought him the Princess Cruise Line.

Just before his son's eight birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons."

His father bought him Disney Studios.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you are my life. Your birthday is coming soon. Ask what you wish. I will get it for you."

His son, who had grown to love Disney, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit and a Goofy outfit."

His father bought him the Democratic Party and CBS News.

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were Small Bears all along the bottom shelf. Medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and Huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for a young man to have a collection of Teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

All the while thinking to herself, Maybe this guy could be the one! Maybe he could father my children?...etc.

She turns to him...they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over, strokes his chest and asks coyly "Well, how was it?"

The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf"