(Contributed by Gloria Sartin)

A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.

The father invites the fiancée to his study for a chat. "So what are yourplans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Bible college student." he replies.

"A Bible college student. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

A 80-Year-Old Gets Married

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

(Contributed by Chris Headrick)

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ." he said with a deep sigh, "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Women Are Better Estate Planners Than Men

(Contributed by Colin Daniel)

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

(Contributed by Rick Tallman)

This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for New Orleans.  Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Jack asked. "I've been transferred to New Orleans, there's crazy people there.  They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as the media says.  Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I' ve been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

Apple Announces New Implant

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on cup size.

This has been hailed as a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Nailed

(Contributed by Colin Diamond Daniel)

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Nebraska rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" So then the rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

Speech Impediment

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

Two lifelong friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local pub, when one said to the other:

"If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"

"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away!"

"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"

"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.

"What speech impediment?" inquired the baffled fellow.

"She can't say 'NO'!!!" exclaimed his friend.

(Contributed by Jack Shuler)

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.

Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be okay. The damage was local to your groin. There was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buck shot. The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh well, I guess that isn't too bad," the man replied. "Is your brother a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony. He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

Painting the Town

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

A new paint store just opened up by my place, so I decided as any red-blooded, sexually repressed young lad to pay it a visit.

When I went in I saw signs all over advertising the newest color: "Natural Blonde".

There weren't any samples around, so I asked the clerk to describe it to me.

He replied, "Natural Blonde? Wonderful new paint: not too bright, but spreads easily!"

(Contributed by Russell Johannes)

After a two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes, we have, your honor," The foreman responded.

"Would you please pass it to me," The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts of bank robbery." stated the foreman. The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude.

The man's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?"

The defendant, with a bewildered look on his face turns to his attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I don't have to give all the money back?"

Depression & Outsourcing

(Contributed by Roger Smith)

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
I got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Great Truths About Life That I Have Learned

(Contributed by Jim Clark)

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.

2. There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.

5. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

6. Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

7. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

8. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

9. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

10. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

Three Journalists and a Marine

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

Dan Rather, Tom Brokaw and Katie Couric, along with a Marine Sergeant Major were all captured by terrorists while in Iraq . The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili."

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Tom Brokow said he would just like to hear his wife's voice one more time.

The terrorists allowed him to mak e long distance call so that he could talk to his wife. Brokow had a long conversation with his wife and when he was through, he said, "Now I can die peacefully."

Katie Couric said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Couric dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the behind," said the Marine.

"What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me," insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his Cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the confusion, he leaped to his knapsack, pulled out his M16 and sprayed the Iraqis with gun fire. In a flash, all the terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the Marine was untying Rather, Brokow and Couric, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you first?"

"What!" replied the Marine, "And have you three assholes report that I was the aggressor?"

Bear Clause

(Contributed by Gerry Jones)

I purchased a Teddy Bear this morning for the princely sum of $10.

I named him Mohammed.

This afternoon I sold him on E-Bay for $30.

My question is, "Have I made a prophet?"

Mildred

(Contributed by Roger Smith)

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Diet Aid

(Contributed by Kerry Pardue)

One time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.

"Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"

Student Exams

(Contributed by Jason Underwood)

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead.

Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study.

That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam.

Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question. "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom."

At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued.

"For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."

Thought of the Day

(Contributed by Bob Dinkins)

Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

The Truth Under Pressure

(Contributed by Richard Martin)

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.  The nurse starts with certain basic items.  'How much do you weigh?' she asks.

'115,' she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale.  It turns out her weight is 140..

The nurse asks, 'Your height?'

'5 foot 8,' she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5'.

She then takes her blood pressure And tells the woman it is very high.

'Of course it's high!' she screams,

'When I came in here I was tall and slender!  Now I'm short and fat!'

Redneck Dog

(Contributed by Rick Tallman)

One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"

The redneck said it was his.

"Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said.

The redneck replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."

The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."

"No way," said the redneck. "That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'."

The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!"

The redneck looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."

The Sign

(Contributed by Tom Cronk)

A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas ... sign in front of a restaurant reads:
Happy Hour Special...Lobster Tail and Beer

"Lord almighty" he says to himself, "my three favorite things!!"

Catholic Ladies

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their Children are.

The first one tells her friends, My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father

The second Catholic woman chirps, Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Your Grace'.

The third Catholic woman says smugly, Well, not to put you down, but my Son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say Your Eminence!

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.

The first three women give her this subtle Well...?

She replies, My son is a gorgeous, 6'4, hard bodied, well-hung Male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, 'My God'.

Smart Dentist

(Contributed by Ben Meggitt)

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled.

The dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to give the man.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

"I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says, "I am fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."

Pressure of Flight

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

During a commercial airline flight a Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms. When her baby began crying
during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related articles.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's
ears.

The pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed......"And all these years I've been chewing gum."

Deaf Wife

(Contributed by Bryan "Buck" Mahan)

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

(I just love this)

"Ralph, for the FIFTH damn time, we're having CHICKEN!"

Yesterday and Today

(Contributed by Bob Dinkins)

In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird.

Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Catholic Horses

(Contributed by Shaun Szarnicki)

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.  Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track.  Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.  Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.  Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.  True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.  He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.  Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened?  All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!".

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "Son," he said, "that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites."

Dentist Humor

(Contributed by Bubba Suttles)

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't," she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

Cutting Question...AND Answer

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

A man's four year old son came home from Sunday School one day. When he asked him what he'd learned that day, the boy was quiet for a minute and then said "Dad, have any of the men in our family had their penises criticized?"

The wife cracked up and told him the term was "circumcised," but the answer was still yes.