 |
www.FloridaDude.com - www.FlaDude.com - www.FlDude.com |
|
| |
www.FloridaDude.com - www.FlaDude.com - www.FlDude.com |
|
January 2009
January 1,
2009
Old Farmer
Contributed by Rodger Smith
An old farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge
of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would
mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Hell, Ethel," he finally answered, "I
don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty
years ago."
January
2,
2009 New Years Day
Quandary
Contributed by The Florida Dude
As in many homes on New Year's Day, Janet and Nigel, a
happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important:
the football game on television, or the lunch itself. Hoping to keep the peace Nigel ate lunch
with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch
chat before retiring to the den to turn on the television. Some minutes later, Janet looked in to
see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Nigel. She smiled,
kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was. Nigel told her it was half
time and that the score was still 0-0. 'See?' Janet said happily, 'You didn't
miss a thing.'
January
3,
2009
Little Johnny
Contributed by Bonita Hensley
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed
cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.
'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then
began removing the cream with a tissue.
January
4,
2009
A Political Truism
Contributed by Emily Bearden
What is the difference between Simba (from Lion King) and
Barack Obama?
Simba is an African Lion.....Obama is a Lying African.
January
5,
2009
Problem Solved
Contributed by Bruce Bigley
If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked, you
should sniff some Windex first.
It'll keep you from streaking!!!
January
6,
2009
A Fairy Tale
Contributed by Mike Chlebus
But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.
The End.
January
7,
2009
Redneck Happy Hour
Contributed by Rodger Smith
A redneck is driving down a back road in West Virginia.
A sign in front of a restaurant reads:
January
8,
2009
Game Show
Contributed by Philip McDuffie
We got to go to divorce court with them. It was like a
game show.
My mom won the house and car. We're all excited.
My dad got some luggage.
January
9,
2009
Your Car In Heaven
Contributed by Perry Woods
January
10,
2009
Klopman Diamond
Contributed by Shirley Short
"Mr. Klopman."
January
11,
2009
How Many Did You Catch
Contributed by Harold Bronski
January
12,
2009
Kid's Logic
Contributed by Malinda Furlong
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store
and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers
and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doing?" his mother asked.
"The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken" the
boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
January
13,
2009
Clean Floor
Contributed by Nancy Hogan
January
14,
2009
On Safari
Contributed by Juan Mendez
January
15,
2009
Your Dog's IQ
Contributed by Gloria Sartin
If you spend $19.95 for the video, your dog is smarter
than you.
January
16,
2009
Physics
Contributed by Dr. Hubert Schaeffer
January
17,
2009
Bathroom Humor
Contributed by Barney Meacham
If you're American when you go into the bathroom, and
American when you come out, what are you when you're in the bathroom?
January
18,
2009
IRS
Contributed by Art Strickland
Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to
judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only
way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five
years.
January
19,
2009
The Last George Bubya Bush Joke
Contributed by The Florida Dude
Q:
What is the
difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon and George W. Bush?
January
20,
2009 The First Obama Joke Contributed by Matt Ferguson Q.
Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate?
January
21,
2009
One-Handed Man
Contributed by Harvey Mendelssohn
Q: Why did the one-handed man
cross the road?
January
22,
2009
Saying Prayers
Contributed by Bobbi Pierson
January
23,
2009
Sex Morality
Contributed by Harriet Harrington
January
24,
2009
Blonde Flight Attendant
Contributed by Jim Cook
An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight
attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain
showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop,
and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for
the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room
she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out
of the room!"
"You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why
not?"
She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she
sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that
says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
January
25,
2009
Sunbathing
Contributed by Patricia Behan
January
26,
2009
Beer Heads
Contributed by Bernie Johnson
Three leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink.
The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Miller's president orders a Millers and
the president of Coors orders a Coors. When it is Guinness turn to order he
orders a soda. Why didn't you order a Guinness everyone asks?
Nah Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer
neither will I.
January
27,
2009
Where Do You Want to Go?
Contributed by Matt Connelly
January
28,
2009
You Are Getting Fat
Contributed by Karol Hershey
January
29,
2009
Hillbilly At The Hospital
Contributed by Harvey Cooke
January
30,
2009
Elephant Story
Contributed by Colin Daniel of WNOX fame
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after
graduating from Northwestern University .
January
31,
2009
The Will To Live
Contributed by Cary Madison
'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
One day, a long, long, time ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or
bitch.
HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer
"Lord almighty," he says to himself, "My three favorite things!!"
Our parents got divorced when we were kids and it was kind of cool.
Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.
St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I
let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in
Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your
answer."
The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, "How long were you married?"
The first guy says, "24 years."
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7
times...but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."
The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter.
The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but
that was our first year and we really worked it out good."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Chrysler."
The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was
married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife
like a queen!"
Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Corvette!"
A few days later, the two guys with the Chrysler and the Pinto saw the guy with
the Corvette crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked the guy with the
Corvette what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman
wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her
about it.
"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a
terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was
astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed
of lillies.
"Tch Tch!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is
fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."
So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my
friend?"
"Fishin', sir."
"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"
The old man stood up, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the
corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked,
"Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and
replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"
While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied
myself with indoor cleaning.
I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the
bathroom. With dismay, I looked from his muddy boots to my newly-scrubbed
floors.
"Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down some
newspapers for you."
"That's all right, Lady," he responded. "I'm already house trained."
A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law. One
morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone. Immediately, she awakens up
her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.
Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there's the mother-in-law, standing
face-to-face with a ferocious lion!
"Quick, darling," the wife shouts frantically, "Do something!"
"Oh, no," the husband says, "That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get
himself out!"
A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ.
Here's how it works:
One day our physics professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept.
A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this
stuff?"
"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save
lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the idiots out of medical school," replied the professor.
European!
A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new
girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous
woman. "John, what happened?" Tony asks.
"I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex to
look forward to. The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells 'Damn
income taxes!' whenever we have sex."
A: Washington
couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Dubya doesn't know the
difference.
A. He's
deciding which of his names (Barack - Barry - Hussein - Obama - Soetoro) to put
on it.
A: To get to the
second hand shop.
Every evening, a mother and her young son, knelt down beside his bed so he could
say his prayers. One night, obviously bored with the same old prayer, the little
boy said this: "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if
I should die before I wake......can I have breakfast with you in the morning?"
The Dean of Women was introducing the newcomers to the college and thought fit
to touch the subject of sex morality:
"In moments of temptation, ask yourselves just one question: Is an hour of
pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
At the end of the lecture she asked if there were any questions. One of the
girls timidly raised her hand and said:
"Could you tell us how you make it last one hour?"...
Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned woman, spent almost all of her vacation
sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but
on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she
slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying
on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of
breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on
the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you
did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up
here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room
skylight."
The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going
to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven!" they all piped up.
"And what do you have to do to get there?"
They said, "Be dead!"
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into
the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied ... "but what is growing in your butt?"
A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was
about to have an operation.
Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"
The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a
thing."
"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with
one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached
it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and
found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as
he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant
gingerly put down its foot..
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face,
stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing
else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and
walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged
son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large
bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it
down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while
staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was
the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and
made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared
back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of
Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
A man went to his lawyer and said "I would like to make a will but I don't know
exactly how to go about it."
The lawyer says "No problem, leave it all to me".
The man looks somewhat upset ... "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest
slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!
Website Designed, Built, &
Maintained by: The Florida Dude
© Copyright by Florida Dude Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
