Contributed by Paul Seagram

Bear Facts

Contributed by Randall London

These bear hunters were sitting around the cabin the night before the hunt bragging about their passt hunts.

The cabin boy was listening and went over and said "you guys make it seem pretty hard on capturing a bear".

They all laughed and said "it is hard; do you think you could bag one"?

"I can go out and bag you 2 if you will skin them, and I will bet each of you $100.00.

They agreed and off he went out into the night.

Soon he spotted a big grizzly; he waved his arm and started hollering the big bear started after him and he started running for the shack. When he got close to the shack he started yelling. "Open the door he yelled".

They looked out and saw the bear chasing the boy. Just as he got to the door they opened it and he stepped aside and the bear went in. He slammed the door and locked it and shouted. "OK skin him I'll go and get the other one".

New Year Question

Contributed by Jerry Baker

Man: Excuse me Miss, but were you born in Tennessee?

Woman: No, why?

Man: Because your the only ten-I-see!

January 4, 2012

What Was That For?

Contributed by Debbie Beacher

An old couple were sitting on the porch one afternoon rocking in their rocking chairs. All the sudden the old man reaches over and slaps his wife.

She says, "Well what was that for?"

He says, "That's for 40 years of rotten sex!"

She doesn't reply and they start rocking again.

All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her husband.

He says, "Well what was that for?"

She says, "That's for knowing the difference!"

January 5, 2012

The Sensitive Man

Contributed by Donald Stephens

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn ' t mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children? ' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy, passionate love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it? '

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf. '

January 6, 2012

Building Security

Contributed by The Florida Dude

Building Security has notified us that there have been 5 suspected terrorists working at our office. Four of the five have been apprehended. Bin Sleeping, Bin Loafing, Bin Gossiping, and Bin Surfing have been taken into custody.

Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fifth cell member, Bin Working, in the office. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Bin Working will be very easy to spot.

They thought they had apprehended Bin Working sitting at a desk, but it was actually Bin Surfing trying to impersonate Bin Working.

January 7, 2012

Good Investing

Contributed by The Florida Dude

If you had purchased $1,000 of AIG stock one year ago, you would have $42 left.

With Lehman, you would have $6.60 left.

With Fannie or Freddie, you would have less than $5 left.

But if you had purchased $1,000 worth of Miller High Life one year ago, drank all of the beer, then turn in the cans for the aluminum recycling Refund, you would have had $214.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

The Florida Dude calls it, his 401-Keg.

January 8, 2012

Hearing Aids

Contributed by Bobbi Hammond

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it is state of the art.. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

January 9, 2012

Parameters

Contributed by Charlie Lane

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, "Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"

"Elation."

"And you, sir, how about the opposite of woe?"

"I believe that would be giddy up..."

January 10, 2012

Women

Contributed by John Maples

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $500,000 home, a $35,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems."

January 11, 2012

Fact Of Life

Contributed by The Florida Dude

There are more important things than money, but they won’t date you if you don’t have any.

Contributed by Jane Karp

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends
and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have,
Similar to my character lines.

January 13, 2012

God Created Virginia

Contributed by Perry Woods

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things." God continued pointing to different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Virginia, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Virginia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things"

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "Right next to Virginia is Washington , D.C. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

January 14, 2012

Golf Fence

Contributed by Jack McClung

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

January 15, 2012

Don't Mess With Old Men

Contributed by Ronnie Sims

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."

January 16, 2012

A Child's Honesty

Contributed by Shannon Peek

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said " Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that".

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

January 17, 2012

The New Baby

Contributed by Heather Goode

A young mother finds out she is pregnant again, and she tells the good news to anyone who will listen. One day when the woman and the boy are out shopping, a friend of the mother asks the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Oh, yes!" the little tyke says. And having overheard some of his parents' private conversations, he adds, "And I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call it Mary, and if it's another boy we're going to call it Quits."

January 18, 2012

Kids Say The Dangest Things

Contributed by Horace Dempsey

His pediatrician asked four-year-old Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”

“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.

“Tampax?” said the doctor. “Why would do that?”

With tampax, it says on TV, if wear them, you can swim, and ride a bicycle, and I can't do either one.”

January 20, 2012

Can You Spell That?

Contributed by Jerry Brown

Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."

The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"

Little Johnny thought for a few seconds and said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."

January 21, 2012

Shampoo Warning

Contributed by Cliff Gandy

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!

I use shampoo in the shower!

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and

Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."

No wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and

I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead.

Its label reads,

"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem Solved !

January 22, 2012

Blonde Bus Rider

Contributed by Kerry Pardue

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

January 23, 2012

It's All In The Punctuation

Contributed by The Florida Dude

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."

January 24, 2012

PC Computers

Contributed by The Florida Dude

Computers are like air conditioners.

They work fine until you start opening windows.

January 25, 2012

The Census

Contributed by Cheryl Conte

Census Taker: "How many children do you have?"

Woman: "Four."

Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?"

Woman: "Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George."

Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?"

Woman: "Because we didn't want any Moe."

January 26, 2012

Bill Gates

Contributed by The Florida Dude

Q: How does Bill Gates enter his house?

A: He uses "windows".

January 27, 2012

Donald & Daisy

Contributed by Jim Clark

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

January 28, 2012

Bragging Doctors

Contributed by Kerry Pardue

A doctor from France says:

"In France , the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

The German doctor comments:

"That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says:

"That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The U.S. doctor answers immediately:

"That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA , about 2 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now....... the whole damn country is looking for work.

January 29, 2012

Tattoos

Contributed by Jack Shuler

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as real Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

'What's that ?' the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!" The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!!

It will say ADIDAS in a minute."

January 30, 2012

Doctoring

Contributed by Eddy Layman

Two kids were deciding what game to play.

One said, “Let’s play doctor.”

“Good idea,” said the other. “You operate, and I’ll sue.”

January 31, 2012

Cemetery

Contributed by Joe Hunter

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"

The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why did you die?"