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JOKE of the Day
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"You don't stop laughing when you get old, you get old when you stop laughing" |
Send The Dude a Joke, by clicking on the Dog above
| Q:
What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo? A.:The Southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe. |

February 8, 2010
Drunk On A Bus
Contributed by Sharon McDaniel
A drunk gets on a transit bus. The driver, impatient while the drunk fumbles in
his pocket for change, drives off. As the bus starts rolling, the drunk reacts
to the sudden movement by stumbling all the way to the back of the bus. The bus
stops at the next stop. He reacts by stumbling to the front of the bus. Still
the man is fumbling in his pockets for change. The bus jerks forward once again,
and the drunk stumbles uncontrollably to the back of the bus. Next stop, the
same thing happens. Every time the bus stops, the man would stagger to the
front. Every time the bus starts, he staggers uncontrollably to the back. A few
stops later the drunk exits the the bus from the front.
"Hey", shouts the bus driver... "You didn't pay your fare yet!"
The drunk, reeling, shouts back "And I'm not going to!..... I walked all the
way!"

February 7, 2010
Déjà vu
Contributed by Penny Deisenhofer
Doctor, Doctor I think I am suffering from De-ja vu.
Didn't I see you yesterday?

February 6, 2010
A Nine Year Old Philosopher
Contributed by Shannon Millican
Corban, came out of the bathroom after showering, wearing his only pair of boxer shorts. He says “Man, if every pair of underwear could be a country, these would be America! I feel so free in them!”
The next night he came out in his tighty-whitey’s and says: “These would be China! I’m feeling pretty captive!”

February 5, 2010
Shopping at Tiffany's
Contributed by Tanya Smith
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly has to fart. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her and hopes and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Blushing & uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam.... if you farted just looking at it - you're going to sh-t when I tell you the price."

February 4, 2010
CVS
Contributed by The Florida Dude
They threw The Florida Dude out of CVS
yesterday and I don't understand why.
All I did was walk to the Pharmacy area of the store and pick up a box of
Condoms. I then walked to the front of the store, placed the box on the counter
and asked the cashier where the fitting room was located.

February 3, 2010
Can I Get A Witness
Contributed by Hazel Ferguson
The judge warned the witness, “Do you understand that you
have sworn to tell the truth?” “I do.”
“Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?”
“Sure,” said the witness. “My side will win.”

February 2, 2010
Old Guys
Contributed by Perry Woods
Two old guys talking. One said to the other: "My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".
Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"
First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

February 1, 2010
The Priest, The Dead Jackass, & the Cop
Contributed by Ed Abbot
A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese. One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
"Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help
you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a
couple O yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,
"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last
rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also
obliged to notify the next of kin."

Joke Archives
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Disclaimer This humor does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my wife; my friends, or my dog; don't quote me on that; don't quote me on anything; all rights reserved; you may distribute this posting freely but you may not make a profit from it; jokes are subject to change without notice; jokes are slightly enlarged to show detail; any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental; do not remove this joke under penalty of law; hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat; do not bend, fold, mutilate, staple, or spindle; your mileage may vary; no substitutions allowed; for a limited time only; this offer is void where prohibited and prohibited where void, taxed, or otherwise restricted; caveat emptor; product is provided "as is" without any warranties; user assumes full responsibility; an equal opportunity joke employer; no animals were harmed in the making of these jokes; do not operate heavy machinery while operating these jokes; cut along dotted line; lather rinse repeat; no shoes, no shirt, no jokes; quantities are limited while supplies last; if any defects are discovered, do not attempt to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized service center; read at your own risk; parental advisory - explicit lyrics; text may contain explicit materials some readers may find objectionable, parental guidance is advised; keep away from sunlight; keep away from pets and small children; limit one-per-family please; no money down; no purchase necessary; you need not be present to win; some assembly required; batteries not included; instructions are included; action figures sold separately; no preservatives added; slippery when wet; safety goggles may be required during use; sealed for your protection, do not use if safety seal is broken; call before you dig; not liable for damages arising from use or misuse; for external use only; if rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue use; use only with proper ventilation; avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place; keep away from open flames; avoid contact with eyes and skin and avoid inhaling fumes; do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit; do not place near a flammable or magnetic source; smoking these jokes could be hazardous to your health; close cover before strikingl and If laughter lasts longer than 4 hours, contact your Doctor;no salt, MSG, artificial color or flavoring added; if ingested, do not induce vomiting, and if symptoms persist, consult a physician; possible penalties for early withdrawal; offer valid only at participating states; allow four to six weeks for delivery; continual laughing at jokes could lead to erectile disfunction; must be 18 to enter; disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes and other Acts of God, neglect, damage from improper installation, incorrect line voltage, improper or unauthorized repair, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, customer adjustments that are not covered in the joke list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, mud slides, forest fire, or projectile (which can include, but not be limited to, arrows, bullets, shot, BB's, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, or emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays, knives, stones, etc.); slightly higher west of the Rockies; other restrictions may apply. We have not knowingly posted any copyrighted material. Due to the nature of forwarding on the Internet it has been close to impossible to attribute the original source. If you recognize any of this material as copyrighted and not in the public domain, please send us email and we will remove it immediately. (Your email that is.) Final word: Some of these jokes are very hot. We are not responsible for burns if you don't keep a lid on them. |
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