The Doctor Visit

Contributed by The Florida Dude

A man walks into Flagler Medical Center with a stick of celery in one ear, a carrot in the other and a grape up his nose.

Confused, the man asks: "Doctor what's wrong with me?"

Doctor Todd looks at the man and replies: "You're not eating properly!"

Two Dumb Florida Fishermen

Contributed by The Florida Dudette

Two fishermen, Paul and Jim, decided to rent a boat on the St. Johns River for their favorite sport. After fishing for 4 hours at various places around the river with no luck at all they decided to try one more spot before calling it quits. Suddenly things started to happen and they caught their limit inside of twenty minutes.

Paul said, Hey we should mark this spot, so next time we will know where to come,

Jim says good idea, and he took out a can of spray paint and made a large X on the floor of the boat to mark the spot.

With that Paul says, why did you do that, now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish.

The Prescription

Contributed by Jamal Hernandez

 The physician writing out a prescription for his hypertensive cardiac patient: “Diazepam 5mg (tranquilizer) TDS".

The patient’s wife asks, "Doctor, when are these medicines to be given?"

Doctor: "These are to be taken by you.  He needs rest"

Road Signs

Contributed by Ed Abbot

Road signs are a real indication of what an area is like:

In Virginia you have signs saying, "Deer Crossing" ...

At Yellowstone you have signs saying, "Bear Crossing" ...

In Africa you have signs saying, "Elephant Crossing" ...

And in Washington D.C., you have signs saying, "Double-Crossing".

Grandma

Contributed by Susi Martinez

A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "QUEEN SIZE".

He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Granny, YOU wear the same size as our bed!"

Smokey Bear

Contributed by Andrew Bronson

Q. Why did Mrs. Smokey the Bear divorce Smokey the Bear?

A. Because every time she got hot, he'd beat her with a shovel!

Cooking With Light Bulbs

Contributed by Tammie Mason

I heard last week that the guy who invented the Easy Bake Oven had died.

His family plans to cremate him.

Should take about two years......

The Sneeze

Contributed by Hank Lengfellner

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.  The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.  As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.  "I have never heard of that condition before" he said.  "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

Kids Grow Up So Fast

Contributed by Tom Cronk

A guy is walking down the street and sees Little Johnny smoking a cigarette.  He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke." Johnny looks up but doesn't say anything.

The man asks, "Son, how old are you?"

Little Johnny says, "Six."

Stunned, the man says, "Six!? When did you start smoking?"

Johnny replies, "Right after the first time I had sex."

"Right after the first time you had sex? When was that?"

Little Johnny answers, "I don't remember. I was drunk.

Contributed by Hazel Baker

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."

Contributed by Kevin McKeefery

An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home.  All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Australian home.

After a few weeks in the Australian facility, they came to visit Grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful'',says grandpa.

''We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.''

''Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents'', Abdullah says with a big smile.  ''There's a musician here-- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!

There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!

There's a dentist here -- 90 years old.. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor!

And me -- "I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The F_cking Arab".

Mechanic vs Cardiologist

Contributed by John Morgan

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage.

"Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.  The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and ask, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its' heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.  So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running.."