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"You don't stop laughing when you get old, you get old when you stop laughing"

Send The Dude  a Joke, by clicking on the Dog above

Q: What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?

A.:The Southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.

February 8, 2010

Drunk On A Bus

Contributed by Sharon McDaniel

A drunk gets on a transit bus. The driver, impatient while the drunk fumbles in his pocket for change, drives off. As the bus starts rolling, the drunk reacts to the sudden movement by stumbling all the way to the back of the bus. The bus stops at the next stop. He reacts by stumbling to the front of the bus. Still the man is fumbling in his pockets for change. The bus jerks forward once again, and the drunk stumbles uncontrollably to the back of the bus. Next stop, the same thing happens. Every time the bus stops, the man would stagger to the front. Every time the bus starts, he staggers uncontrollably to the back. A few stops later the drunk exits the the bus from the front.

"Hey", shouts the bus driver... "You didn't pay your fare yet!"

The drunk, reeling, shouts back "And I'm not going to!..... I walked all the way!"

February 7, 2010

Déjà vu

Contributed by Penny Deisenhofer

Doctor, Doctor I think I am suffering from De-ja vu.

Didn't I see you yesterday?

February 6, 2010

A Nine Year Old Philosopher

Contributed by Shannon Millican

Corban, came out of the bathroom after showering, wearing his only pair of boxer shorts. He says “Man, if every pair of underwear could be a country, these would be America!  I feel so free in them!”

The next night he came out in his tighty-whitey’s and says: “These would be China!  I’m feeling pretty captive!”

February 5, 2010

Shopping at Tiffany's

Contributed by Tanya Smith

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly has to fart. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her and hopes and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Blushing & uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam.... if you farted just looking at it - you're going to sh-t when I tell you the price."

February 4, 2010

CVS

Contributed by The Florida Dude

They threw The Florida Dude out of CVS yesterday and I don't understand why.

All I did was walk to the Pharmacy area of the store and pick up a box of Condoms. I then walked to the front of the store, placed the box on the counter and asked the cashier where the fitting room was located.

February 3, 2010

Can I Get A Witness

Contributed by Hazel Ferguson

The judge warned the witness, “Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?” “I do.”

“Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?”

“Sure,” said the witness. “My side will win.”

February 2, 2010

Old Guys

Contributed by Perry Woods

Two old guys talking.  One said to the other: "My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".

Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"

First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

February 1, 2010

The Priest, The Dead Jackass, & the Cop

Contributed by Ed Abbot

A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese.  One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his bed.  It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

"Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's.  There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple O yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true,  but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

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