Baseball Boy

Contributed by Charlie Grifffin

A little boy walked up to homeplate in an empty baseball field, with his bat and ball in hand.

As he threw the ball up in the air, he proclaimed, "I am the best ball player ever!" He swung with all his might, but missed.

He did the same thing and missed again.

He picked up the ball, tossed it up one more time, said "I am the best ball player in the world!" Then he swung and missed again.

"Wow!" he said. "What a pitcher!"

Lady Golfer

Contributed by Joey Jacquin

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where", he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

The World's Longest Password

Contributed by Pam Underwood

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Florida Beach Conversation

Contributed by Jack Shuler

A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Ft. Myers Florida . She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. 'Hello, sir, how are you today?

'Fine, thank you,' he responded, and turned back to his book.

'I love the beach. Do you come here often?' she asked,

'First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago,' he replied and turned back to his book.

'I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very lonely' she countered. Do you live around here?' she asked.

'Yes, I live over in Cape Coral , 'he answered' and again resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, 'Do you like pussy cats?

With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, 'How did you know that was what I wanted?'

The man replied, 'How did you know my name was Katz?'

When It All Started

Contributed by Rick Tallman

It was March 6, 1836.

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett of Tennessee, woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo.

He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of this fort.  William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.

The three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily toward them.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said.........

"Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

Dust Bunnies

Contributed by The Florida Dude

After church, Marty tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.

"Pastor," Marty says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."

"That's right, Marty, I did."

"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."

"Yes, I'm glad you were listening Marty. Why do you ask?"

"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed, 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"

Modern Technology

Contributed by Jamal LaCross

My car is so fast, the payments are three months behind.

The Grasshopper

Contributed by Perry Woods

A Grasshopper goes into a bar in Daytona Beach, FL. 

The bartender asked the Grasshopper. "Did you know we have a drink named after you"?

The Grasshopper said, "my god, do you mean to tell me there's a drink named Harold?"

The Horse

Contributed by Hazel Willingham

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and smacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

He asks, 'What was that for?'

She replies, 'What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?'

He says, 'Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.'

She is appeased and goes off to work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. He says, 'What's that for this time?'

She answered, 'Your horse called.'

The First Day

Contributed by The Florida Dude

It's Mike’s first day on the job as a bartender. As he serves a customer a Manhattan, a piece of parsley falls into the drink.

“What the hell is that?” the customer asks.

“It’s your Manhattan. And there’s Central Park.” He replied.

A Little Known Fact

Contributed by Dale Summers

The first testicular guard, the "Cup", was used in Hockey in 1874.

The first helmet was used in 1974.

That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Alexander & Marty

Contributed by Howard Meagle

Two 90-year-old men, Alexander and Marty had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Alexander was dying, Marty visited him.

Marty said, “Alexander, we both loved being Deejays all our lives, and we played the greatest music ever recorded for our audience. Please do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's a great radio station up there that plays all our favorite tunes.”

Alexander looked up at Marty from his deathbed and said, “Marty, you've been a good friend all these many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.”

Shortly after that, Alexander passed on.

A few nights later, Marty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out “Marty! Marty!”

“Who is it?” asked Marty sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Marty -- it's me, Alexander.”

“You're not Alexander. Alexander just died.”

“I'm telling you it's me, Alexander” insisted the voice.

“Alexander! Where are you?”

“In Heaven” replied Alexander. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first” said Marty.

“The good news, Alexander said, “is that WELK is back on the air in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here too. Even better than that, we’re all young again. WELK is always #1 in the ratings, and it never has to sign off. And best of all, we can play any music we want!

“That's fantastic” said Marty. “It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

'You're shift starts Monday at 3P.

(Editor's Note: Howard (Alexander) and The Florida Dude (Marty Shayne) were DJ's at WELK in Charlottesville, VA back in the 70's)

A Final Appeal

Contributed by Frederick Delrino

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to piss anyone off."

Does It Ring A Bell

Contributed by John Morgan

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh, my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

They Say This Happened In Waco

Contributed by Shaun Szarnicki

Obama will not be making any more public speeches in Texas ....

He claims every time he gets up on stage to make a speech, some damn South Texas cotton farmer starts bidding on him.

The Boss

Contributed by Joe Willingham

The boss was concerned that his employees weren’t giving him enough respect, so he tried and old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said “I’m the Boss” and taped it to his door.

After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his. “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”

Quiet

Contributed by Victor Karzan

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said "Stay here and be very quiet. I'll be across the field." A little while later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son asking, "What's wrong? I told you to be quiet."

The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' I panicked..."

Grandmother....Is That you?

Contributed by Ron Newman

A woman goes to the local psychic, in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"

"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"

The Thought

Contributed by Doug Stapleton

You have heard it said that it is the thought that counts.

Well, when your wife is involved it is NOT the thought that counts, it is HER thought that counts.

Dead or Alive

Contributed by Jack Jankowski

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Remove The Curse

Contributed by Tony Bartello

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation "I now pronounce you man and wife".

Why Are You Crying?

Contributed by The Florida Dude

Two Veterans were sitting outside the Gainesville, FL Veterans Administration (VA) Hospital. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face.

The other old soldier asked, "Why are you crying?"

The first one replied, "I came here for blood test."

The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?"

The first soldier replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger."

Hearing this, the second serviceman started crying.

The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"

Then the second Veteran replied, "I have come for a urine test."

Blonde Test

Contributed by Dale Summers

The stunning blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She took her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration took her purse out, removed a coin and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class was sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she was seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approached her and asked what was going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she said, "I am rechecking my answers."

Three Nuns

Contributed by Katharina Brannon

Three nuns die and go to heaven, at the pearly gates they are confronted by Saint Peter who says "Well girls before you can get into heaven you must answer a question." Saint Peter asks the first nun, "Who was the first man on earth?" She says,

"Oh that's easy, that was Adam." Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven.

So Saint Peter asks the second nun "Who was the first woman on earth?"

She says "Oh that's easy that was Eve." Same thing happens - birds sing, bells ring, and she goes into heaven.

So Saint Peter says to the third nun "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"

She sits and thinks for awhile and says "Boy that's a hard one."

Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven!

SUV For My Birthday

Contributed By Roy Bauch

Two old guys talking.

One said to the other: "My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".

"Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"

"Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

Undies

Contributed by Perry Woods

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at doing them.

Mom said : "YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies".

Susie said: " I know they do ..... that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!

The BBQ

Contributed by The Florida Dudette

At a BBQ here on the beach, a couple was chatting with some guests when the marriage counseling topic came up.

The wife very pompous commented; “Oh we’ll never need that. My husband and I have an excellent relationship.”

“My husband was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I am listening.”

Three Blondes

Contributed by Jack Jackson

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture!

It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused, too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
 

The Farm

Contributed by The Florida Dude

A frllow tells his girlfriend, "I’m going to buy a farm two miles long and half inch wide."

"What, would you grow on a farm that size," asked the girlfriend.

"Spaghetti."

Post Office Job

Contributed by Jack Shuler

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.  The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Have you ever served in the military?"

"Yes, he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job ," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."