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May 18, 2013
Contributed by Bob Dinkins
In the nightmare I
found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the
ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised!
Quickly I sat up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver's license photo and it was that same color, black. I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair. But it's a wheelchair!
That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled!
I said to myself, aloud 'This is impossible! It's impossible that I should be black and Jewish and disabled! ' It's the pure and holy truth', whispers someone from behind me. I turn around, and it's my boyfriend.
Just what I needed!!! I am a homosexual, and on top of that, with a Mexican boyfriend. Oh, my God ..... Black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive!!! Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, I try to pull my hair, and Oh, nooooo ....I'm bald!!!
The telephone rings. It's my brother. He is saying, 'Since mom and dad died, the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job, you worthless piece of crap... Any job!'
Mom? Dad? Nooooo ..... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!
I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, and an orphan, but he doesn't get it. Frustrated, I hang up... It's then I realize I only have one hand!!! With tears in my eyes, I go to the window to look out. I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere.
Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker...Pacemaker?? Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.
At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, Sweetie pie, love, my little black heart-throb, have you decided what you are going to wear to Washington to meet Obama?
Say it isn't so!!! Now I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug-addicted, Jewish homosexual on a pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but please.....
Oh dear God, please don't tell me I'm a Democrat!!!
May 17, 2013
Contributed by C. B. Hinson
Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked
out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced
to a U.S. Marine General.
As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?"
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there are Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Solo who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on Star Trek."
The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."
May 16, 2013
Contributed by Jack McClung
Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.
May 15, 2013
Contributed by Marvin Apte
A man walked into
his crowded local bar, waved a revolver around and yelled,
"Who in here has been screwing my wife?"
A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You're gonna need more ammo!"
May 14, 2013
You've Got What?
Contributed by Jack Bower
A man walked into a
doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He
replied, "I got shingles."
She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."
The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere. "
The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
May 13, 2013
Contributed by The Florida Dude
Why did Mrs. Smokey the Bear divorce Smokey the Bear?
A. Because every time she got hot, he'd beat her with a shovel!
May 12, 2013
Contributed by The Florida Dudette
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Pettry amzanig huh?
May 11, 2013
Contributed by Burt Sherwood
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman's husband.
May 10, 2013
Contributed by Philip Harkin
In 1997 at the age of 87 and not acquainted with modern technology, Ruth was given a "cordless" phone by her son. He lived 1500 miles away.
After setting it up and showing her how to use it he went home and called her. "How is your new phone working, Mom."
Her reply astonished him. "Oh we took it back. It wouldn't work. It did not even have a cord."
May 9, 2013
Contributed by The Florida Dude
A Veteran friend
told me, “Last week I took the first step towards getting divorced.”
I asked, “Did you see a lawyer?”
He replied, “No, I got married.”
May 8, 2013
Teenagers vs. Cats
Contributed by Connie Jarnagin
For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by
May 7, 2013
Contributed by Dave Cuva
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"
What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what the types were.
The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"
The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.”
May 6, 2013
Contributed by The Florida Dude
Dolphins are so intelligent that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish three times a day.
May 5, 2013
Contributed by Ellen Butler
Two nuns were
shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun
said to the other," wouldn't a nice cold beer or two taste wonderful
on a hot summer evening?"
The second nun answered, "indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand."
The other nun replied "I can handle that without a problem", she picked up a six-pack, and headed for the check-out.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.
The nun said, "We use beer for washing our hair. Back at our convent, we call it Catholic Shampoo. "
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: "The curlers are on the house."
May 4, 2013
Special May 4th Pun
Contributed by Perry Woods
Quoting a Jedi Knight....
"MAY THE FOURTH BE WITH YOU!"
May 3, 2013
Contributed by Ellen Butler
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
Trapped on escalator for hours ...... Power went out!!!
Tried to go water skiing.......Couldn't find a lake with a slope.
Lost breast stroke
swimming competition......Learned later, the other swimmers cheated,
they used their arms!!!
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .... Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
Put her tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
May 2, 2013
The Magician & The Cat
Contributed by Susan Roberts
magician was performing on an ocean liner. But every time he did a
trick, a talking cat in the audience would scream, "It's a trick.
It's not magic. You're a big phony!"
Then one night during a storm, the ship sank while the magician was performing. And who should end up in the same lifeboat together, all alone, but the talking cat and the magician! For three days, they glared at each other, neither one saying a word to the other.
Finally the cat sighed and said, "All right, smart-aleck. You and your darn tricks. What did you do with the ship?"
May 1, 2013
What a Coincidence!!
A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.
The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."
"What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, It is a special day for me. I am celebrating"
"It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.
"What a coincidence." said the farmer.
While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant."
"What a coincidence," said the man. "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."
"This is awesome," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"
"I used a different rooster," he said.
The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence."
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