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July 2003

July 1, 2003

The Husband

(Contributed by Peter Harrison)

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but finally found nothing wrong with the man.

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife".

July 2, 2003

Sayings You May Have Wanted On Your T-Shirt

(Contributed by Ed Martin)

1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6) Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out alive.

7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9) Earth.... is the insane asylum for the universe.

10) I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.

12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

13) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

14) I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

15) God must love stupid people; He made so many of them.

16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

19) Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

20) Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

21) Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!

22) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With A-- H---s!

23) "That's It! I'm Calling Nana!" (seen on an 8-year old)

24) "Wrinkled.... Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

25) "Procrastinate..... Now"

26) "Rehab..... Is for Quitters"

27) "My Dog.... Can Lick Anyone"

28) "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"

29) "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)

30) "Finally 21, and Legally Able to do Everything I've been doing since I was 15"

31) "Arkansas: One Million People and 15 last names"

32) "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."

33) "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN"

34) "A hangover is the wrath of grapes"

35) "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance"

36) "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"

37) "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music"

38) "They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken"

39) "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead "

40) "Time is fun when you're having flies"...Kermit the Frog

41) "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on."

42) "FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."

43) "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"

44) "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig."

45) "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."

46) "The trouble with life is there's no background music."

47) "The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."

48) "MOP A ND GLOW - The Floor Wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team."


49) "NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room spinning-medicine"

50) "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!"
 

July 3, 2003

Lucky Frog

(Contributed by Gordon Dudley)

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.

" They go to Las Vegas and the guy sa ys, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for hi m, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
 

July 4, 2003

Quote To Remember

(Contributed by Shaun Szarnicki)

"Life isn't like a box of chocolates...it's more like a jar of jalapenos.

What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow."
 

July 5, 2003

The Tea Pot

(Contributed by Annie Shugart)

Ole was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge so he sent Lena to the hardware store.

At the hardware store Lena saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf as she was waiting for Sven to finish waiting on a customer.

When Sven finally waited on Lena she asked how much for the teapot?

Sven replied "That is silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness tas lotsa money!" Lena exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Ole had sent her to buy and Sven went to the backroom to find a hinge.

From the backroom Sven yelled " Lena voud you vant a screw for dah hinge?

To which Lena replied "No, but I vill for the teapot."
 

July 6, 2003

Who Keep Saying Those Things?

(Contributed by Bernie Armstrong)

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.

The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts--they're complimentary."
 

July 7, 2003

Three Vampires

(Contributed my Harvey Edwards)

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."

The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"
 

July 8, 2003

Two Old Ladies

(Contributed by Linda Tutten)

Two old women were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over to the other and said, "Cripes! Life is boring. We never have any fun these days. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up $5.00.

As fast as she could, the first old woman fumbled her way out of her clothes and completely naked streaked through the front door of the town hall. Waiting outside, her friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause. The naked old woman burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"How did you do?" asked her friend.

"Great!" she said. "I just won first prize as best dried arrangement!"
 

July 9, 2003

I Have A Magical Dancing Duck

July 10, 2003

The Drunk & the Bartender

(Contributed by Buddy Erickson)

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
 

July 11, 2003

Blind Man

(Contributed by Gordon Dudley)

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent which is being renovated, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door, and a man enters.

"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"
 

July 12, 2003

Handicapped Dilemma

(Contributed by Shaun Szarnicki)

Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing, and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to her, 3 kids who were fishing pulled her out of the water. She was so grateful she offered the kids whatever they wanted for a reward.

The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland."

Hillary says, "No problem, I'll take you there on my special senator's airplane."

The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

Hillary says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV, DVD, and stereo headset!"

Hillary is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you’re handicapped.

"The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your sorry ass from drowning.
 

July 13, 2003

Irish Golfer

(Contributed by Gordon Dudley)

A golfer in Ireland hit a bad hook into the woods. Looking for the ball, he discovered a Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head, and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer took his water bottle from his belt and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! Wha happen?" the leprechaun says. "Oh, I see. Waal, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes. Whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm glad you're okay, and I apologize. I didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does, in jokes like this) and the golfer is back, hits another bad ball into the woods and finds the leprechaun waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I wanted to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"That's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm a famous international golfer now," the golfer answers. "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game. And tell me, how's yer money?"

"Why, I win fortunes in golf. But, if I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills all day long."

"I did that fer ye. And how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment and says shyly, "Errr, all right, I suppose."

"C'mon, c'mon now. I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?"

Blushing even more, the golfer whispers, "Once... sometimes twice a week."

"What!" says the leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
 

July 14, 2003

Intelligence Test

(Contributed by Ellen Sutherland-Butler)

How's your aging intelligence? Take the following test here and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it." The spaces are so you don't see the answers until you have made your own....OK, relax, clear your mind and.... begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

The answer is "bread."

If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water.

If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World." If you said, "water" then proceed to Question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.

If you said "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions?? If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.

4. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?

Answer: One degree.

If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.

5. Without using a calculator -- You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Sweden, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmarthen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver? >

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember? It was YOU!
 

July 15, 2003

Court Reports

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

These are things people said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters...
______________________________________________

Judge: "Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
______________________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?
______________________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
___________________________________________

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
______________________________________________

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
______________________________________________

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
______________________________________________

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
_______________________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Would you repeat that question, please?
_______________________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
_______________________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
_______________________________________________

Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
A: I resent that question.
_______________________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
_______________________________________________

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
_______________________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
_______________________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_______________________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_______________________________________________

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?
A: OK.
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
_______________________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
_______________________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.
_______________________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

July 16, 2003

Ladies Night Out

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a $50 bill, called the guy over, and licked the $50 bill.

I was worried about the way things were going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

My relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things were going, the guy gyrated over to me. Now everyone's attention was focused on me, and the guy was egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. . . . . What could I do?

The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks and left.
 

July 17, 2003

Whoa There Padna !!!!

(Contributed by Ed Martin)

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
 

July 18, 2003

Conversion Factors

(Contributed by Herman D'Elena)

Here are some conversion factors that are not in any of your reference books:

-- Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
-- 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
-- 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
-- 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
-- Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
-- 2,000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
-- 10 cards = 1 decacards
-- 1,000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
 

July 19, 2003

Beach Trip

(Contributed by Annie Shugart)

A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.

She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy pleased with the answer goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger 'units' than his dad.

His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his Mom, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
 

July 20, 2003

Dearly Departed

(Contributed by Burt Ingles)

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
 

July 21, 2003

Golfing Partner

(Contributed by Joe Stanford)

One night, Peter was home watching TV when his wife entered the room and asked, "If I died, would you remarry?"

Peter thought for a second then said "Yeah I guess I would".

Then his the wife asked, "well would you have her as your golfing partner?"

Peter replied, "yep I probably would do that too".

"But surely you wouldn't give her my clubs?!", she cried.

Peter looked at her and said, "Nah, she's left handed."
 

July 22, 2003

Beer Glasses

(Contributed by Jim Clark)

An American, a Mexican and an Iraqi are in a bar one night having a beer. . .

The Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. . .
He says "In Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the  same one twice"

The Iraqi [obviously impressed by this] drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Iraq we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The American, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi and catches his glass. He says "In America we have so many Mexicans and Iraqis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
 

July 23, 2003

Intelligent Dog

(Contributed by Amy Alvis)

A dog walks into a butcher shop, spends a number of minutes looking at the meat on display, and eventually indicates with a nod of his head and a bark that he would like some lamb chops.

The butcher, thinking the dog would know no better, picks up the lowest quality chops in the shop.

The dog barks furiously and continues to bark until the butcher selects the finest chops from the display counter.

The butcher weighs the meat and asks the dog for $5.90. Again, the dog barks furiously until the butcher reduces the bill to the correct price of $3.60.

The dog hands over a five dollar note and the butcher gives him 40 cents in change. Once again, the dog barks continuously until the butcher tenders the correct change. The dog then picks up his package and leaves the shop.

Now, the butcher is extremely impressed and decides that he would like to own a dog so clever. He shuts up shop and follows the dog to see where it goes.

After ten minutes or so, the dog climbs the steps to a house. When it gets to the top, it shakes its head as though in frustration, gently places the package of meat on the floor and, standing on its hind legs, rings the doorbell.

A man opens the door and starts to yell obscenities at the dog. As he does so, the horrified butcher leaps up the steps and begs the man to stop. "It's such an intelligent dog," he says, "surely it doesn't deserve this kind of treatment."

He then went on to explain how the dog had procured the best lamb chops in the shop, insisted on paying the advertised price and quibbled over incorrect change!

The man looked at the butcher and said, "Intelligent he may be, but this is the third time this week he's forgotten his keys".

July 24, 2003

The Juggler

(Contributed by Bob Elliott)

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding.

As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.

"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."

"Well, show me," the officer demanded.

The driver got out the machetes and started juggling them, starting with three, then more, and then finally seven at one time. He juggled them overhand, underhand, and behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.

As another car passed by, the driver did a double take, and said to himself, "I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."

July 25, 2003

Community Service

(Contributed by J.P.)

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asks the barber about his bill. "I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service this week." The florist is pleased and leaves the shop.

The next morning, when the barber opens his shop, there is a thank-you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

Later, a policeman comes in for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber. The barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning, the barber opens his shop. There is a thank-you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.

A Democrat comes for a hair cut and when he asks the barber what he owes. The barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service this week." The Democrat is extremely happy and leaves.

The next morning, when the barber opens his shop, two dozen Democrats are lined up waiting for a free haircut .
 

July 26, 2003

The New Doctor

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit.

Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did.

"I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church", the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
 

July 27, 2003

Native American Trades

(Contributed by Harry Ellison)

An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take jewelry to city and sell it," said the old man.

"What have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going strictly by the book.

"Don't know of collateral."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"I don't know; it has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the entire amount including interest.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put it in my pocket."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked.

"I don't know of deposit."

"Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"
 

July 28, 2003

Kiss and Slap

(Contributed by Suzie Burkhart)

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.

Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."

The General manager is setting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!"
 

July 29, 2003

You Light Up My Wife

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

In the back woods of Tennessee, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be at lantern and said, "Here you hold this high so I can see what I am doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl.

"No, no don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"
 

July 30, 2003

Don't Be On This Flight

(Contributed by Don Jacobs)

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"
 

July 31, 2003

 Talking Dog

(Contributed by Gerry Jones)

In D.C., a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do." The dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Cause he's a pathetic liar! He's never done any of that shit!”
 

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