Florida Dude - Joke of the Day

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.

Finally the pro asks her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"

"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"

A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads:

The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before it's Too Late!

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you bunch of religious nuts!"

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Maybe it would be best if the sign should just says "Bridge Out Ahead"?

Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cybercafe.

We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.

Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. And that's the story.

Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida. As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World left".

After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" turned around and started driving back home.

Little Grace was not the best student in parochial school. Usually she slept through her classes.

One day the Nun called on her while she was napping and said, "Tell me, Grace; who created the universe?"

When Grace didn't stir, little Johnny, seated in the chair behind her, took a pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

Soon Grace fell back asleep. A while later the Nun called on Grace and asked, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Grace didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her with his pencil. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Grace and the Nun said "Very Good" and Grace sat back down and started to fall back asleep.

Then the Nun asked Grace a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

This time Grace was just awake enough to hear the question - and she knew what was
coming, so she jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said; "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican guy opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican guy opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral...

The Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch!

Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.

You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.

Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45's.

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.

The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.

You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.

Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.

You think subdivision is part of a math problem.

You think there's nothin wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family.

You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.

You think the three primary colors are John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.

The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.

Your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin'.

You believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

You think genitalia is an Italian airline.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You keep empty beer cans in your fridge for your friends that don't drink.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man comes into the bakery, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread on the very top shelf, he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please." She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would. When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer.

Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down. After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below.

She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet. Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?"

"No, croaked the old man, "but it's a-quiverin'".

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."

Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called, "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

7. A husband is someone who, after taking out the trash, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

8. My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can.

9. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

10. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

11. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will? What will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!"

12. Definition of a teen-ager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

13. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

14. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

15. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping." Now I just "chunky dunk."

16. The early bird still has to eat worms.

17. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

18. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

19. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

20. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

21. My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.

22. Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

23. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

24. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor.

25. Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband, a divorce lawyer, suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice, "Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

"I don't want you to try and talk me out of it", he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

The husband, knowing how to get the upper hand in a divorce proceeding, "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60.

"I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.

"Oh, really?" he says with derision. "So what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

If we flew the flag at half staff for 30 days for President Reagan, will we have to wear our pants around our knees for 30 days when Clinton dies?

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

8 Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

13 Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

14. Stop singing and read on..........

15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

A red head, a brunette, and a blond walk into a bar. The bartender tells them, "In the bathroom there's a magical mirror that will give you something good if you tell it the truth. If you lie you get sucked in."

The brunette said, "I think I'm the best looking person in this bar" and out popped out her prize.

Next the red-head and went up and said, "I think I'm the smartest girl in this bar" it was the truth so a prize popped out of the mirror.

Next The blond went "I think...." She was sucked into the mirror and never seen again.

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets!
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots
12. PARADOX: Two physicians
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government

Three men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter.

St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?

Paul: My name is Paul.

St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

Paul: 120K.

St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?

Paul: I was a lawyer.

St. Peter: That's great. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what's your name?

Roger: My name is Roger.

St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

Roger: 60K.

St. Peter: Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a living?

Roger: I was an accountant.

St. Peter: That's very good. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the third man. Hi, what's your name?

John: My name is John.

St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died?

John: About $23,000.

St. Peter: Hey, that's fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?

"Life is all about ass ...
either you are covering it, kicking it, kissing it, or trying to get it."

A bus carrying several extremely ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their Maker, and because of the grief they have experienced due to their physical disfigurements, He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They are all lined up, and God asks the first one what her wish is. She replies, "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps his fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line, a man, hears this and says "I want to be handsome." Another snap of His fingers and the second wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous or handsome, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy, the innocent truck driver, starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this truck driver is rolling on the floor of clouds, laughing his head off.

God goes through the nine people in front of this comedian and reaches him and tells him to stop laughing, and state what his wish will be.

The guy eventually calms down and says: Dear Lord, since I am the last of this group, is my wish final and absolute?

And God replies, "Yes, my son. It is so."

"Well, now. Make 'em all ugly again."

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting at that park every sunny day for over 12 years... chatting, and enjoying each other's friendship.
One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, "Please don't be angry with me, dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years. . .What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do you have to know?"

A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well, that's great...just great...some asshole's got my pen.

Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."

Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."

The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"

The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."

The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."

They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan, because he's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.

Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra..

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother David or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's David.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

This married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in, Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, mon."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming,

"YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET MON!!!"

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.

The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds.

She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.

Just look at our cars.

There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.

This must be a sign from God!"

Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.

This must surely be a sign from God!"

The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!

Here's another miracle!

My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break.

Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."

The priest nods in agreement.

The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.

The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"

The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."

(Contributed by Army Lt. Marty Bush)

A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his mother. She said, "Not until you feed the animals."

The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig.

His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow so you're not getting any milk and I saw kick the pig so you're not getting any bacon."

Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over and kicked the cat and the boy said, "Mom should I tell him?"

A Mother-in-law decides to see if her three son-in-law's love her or at least appreciate her.

The next day while strolling along the river with her first son-in-law, she lets herself fall into the water and starts to drown. Without hesitation, the son-in-law jumps in the river and saves his mother-in-law.

The next day, in front of his house, he finds a new car, a little Peugeot 206, with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your mother-in-law

She undertakes the same scenario with her second eldest son-in-law. This one too, dives into the river and saves his mother-in-law. The next day, he too, in front of his house, finds a new car. The same little Peugeot 206 with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your mother-in-law .

The same scenario occurs with the third son-in-law, she falls in the water and starts to drown. He watches his mother-in-law drown while thinking to himself. I've been waiting a long time for this! He keep standing there and ultimately, she drown and died.

The next day, in front of his house, he sees a brand new Porsche Carrera GT with a little note on the windshield.

Thank-you on behalf of your father-in-law.

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux wuz sittin out backa dere trailers shootin deh breeze.

Bou ask Thib, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin an' made love to your wife, an' she got pregnant, would dat make us kin?"

Thib scratched his head for a bit and den sed, "I don't think so...but it shore would make us even!"