It's A Man Thing

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote!"

Flies

(Contributed by Sam Kennedy)

Joe said, "Know what, Charlie? I killed 5 flies yesterday, 3 males and 2 females."

"How could you tell them apart, Joe?" asked Charlie.

Joe replied, "That was easy. The 3 males were sitting on a case of beer and the 2 females were on the phone."

New Business

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

Two businessmen in NYC are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store ... as yet, the store isn't ready...only a few
shelves are set up.

One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."

No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious fellow walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, "What're y'all sellin' here?"

One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling assholes here."

Without skipping a beat, the rebel says, "Well, I see y'all're doing really good, you only got two left!"

Fourth of July Cook-Out

(Contributed by Duke Spears)

One year, Johnny's family was having the "extended family" 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was the lighting of the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state (they're illegal in their state, of course!)

Just before they were to arrive, a cousin calls, saying their neighbor's plans had just fallen through, and could they bring them along to the picnic - they even had extra food to bring. "Sure, the more the merrier!"

Upon arrival and meeting of their cousin's neighbor, it is discovered that he's a police officer. The father turns as innocently as he can to Johnny, and whispers to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Johnny disappears, and the father changes the topic to food for the day. This family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father tells them the gas grill is all set to use out back - just turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.

They head out to the back as Johnny comes back in through the front door. The father hurries to him and says "Whew, that was close! That man's a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?"

"Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"

Blonde Quickies

(Contributed by Florida Dude)

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! they spelled MACY'S wrong.

Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Cajuns

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

Two Cajun fishermen went out into the Gulf of Mexico fishing and were gone a couple of months. On their return, they saw that a Taco Bell had been built while they were away.

One turned to the other, saying, "Look at dat.

We not gone no time...and dem Mexicans done come over here and built a telephone company!"

Head & Shoulders

(Contributed by Lyin' John Smith)

A blonde and a brunette both board an elevator and push the buttons for their respective floors. On the next floor, the door opens and a businessman wearing a black suit boards the elevator. It’s evident that the man has dandruff problems, because it can be seen on the shoulder of his suit.

Two floors later the man gets off, and the two women remain. When the door closes the brunette says, “Someone should give that guy some Head & Shoulders.”

The blonde then responds, “How do you give shoulders?”

(Contributed by Dave Cuva)

A young Hillbilly named Kenny moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The following day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me back my money."

The farmer said, I'm sorry, I can't do that. I spent it.

Kenny said, "OK. Just bring me the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?"

Kenny answered, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny responded "Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny answered, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.00."

The farmer asked, "Did anyone complain?"

Kenny said, "Just the guy who won, so I gave him back his two dollars."

What Does It Say

(Contributed by Matt Berger)

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moooo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud."

Why The British Wore Red Coats

(Contributed by Richard Martin)

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English Colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French General began to question him.

Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked, 'Why do you English Officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?'

In his bland English way, the Colonel informed the General that the reason English Officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown pants.

Arkansas Razorbacks

(Contributed by Heather Andrews)

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Excellent trade, sir.
 

Not To Worry

(Contributed by Jack Shuler)

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,
"Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either"

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
 

Explanation

(Contributed by Tommy Cronk)

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit, so one night, while they were in the middle of a wild , screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down, and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . You explain the kids."
 

New Investments

(Contributed by Bill Taylor)

Looking for some new investments? .....you may want to consider the following before you invest:

The U.S. Treasury has just announced that it will sell three new types of bonds:

1. The Al Gore bond, which has no interest.

2. The Monica Lewinsky bond, which has no maturity And...

3. The Bill Clinton Bond, which has no principle.
 

The Blonde & The Heart Attack

(Contributed by Jack Shuler)

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" she asks.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she'sdialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten S.O.B.," she screams.

"My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!"
 

Period

(Contributed by Dave Ketler)

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something 'exciting' and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

"It's a period," he replied.

"I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so 'exciting' about a period?"

"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was 'missing' one. Mommy fainted; daddy had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Army.

Eggs

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

Two Mexicans are riding along Pacific Coast Highway on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the truck as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with their bike will he take them and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the truck so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.

Sure enough the Highway Patrol pulled him over for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies "Mexican eggs."

The policeman obviously doesn’t believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.

“I’ve got a truck with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it. Two have hatched and they already managed to steal a motorbike.”

Heart Attack

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack.

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband dials 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear", says the husband calmly. "They found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well how long will it take for him to get here?", she asks feebly.

"No time at all", says her husband, practicing his putting stroke. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through!'"

Watch Your Language

(Contributed by Roy Bauch)

A couple from Texas and a couple from the east coast were seated side by side on an airplane.
The girl from Texas , being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll from?"

The east coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where ya'll from, bitch?"

Dusty Underwear

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the???" he said to himself as a little "Dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She shouted back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."