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June 2003

June 1, 2003

Lovers

(Contributed by Linda Tutten)

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you.

5. It is really important that these four men don't know each other.
 

June 2, 2003

American vs Frenchman

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing gum, sits down next to him.

The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
French man: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

French: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."

The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to France."
 

June 3, 2003

Important News

(Contributed by Jim Clark)

The American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
 

June 4, 2003

Rolex Watch

(Contributed by Gordon Dudley)

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "Sonny I wanna you lisin to me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead."

"You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino.

Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa you watch and say TIMES UP?"
 

June 5, 2003

Lamaze Question

(Contributed by Andre D'Elena)

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners and the Lamaze class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.

And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the instructor.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag?"
 

June 6, 2003

Plane Crash

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

An airplane was going down everybody knew they would crash in the ocean below.

The rich lady takes off all of her clothes and puts every diamond she has on her body!

The passengers all look at her and say what are you doing? She says "When we are in the ocean my diamonds will sparkle and I will be the first one they find.

Then another woman takes off all her clothes and covers herself with $100 dollar bills! The passengers all look at her, and she says, "When we are in the ocean the $100 dollar bills will be floating all around me and they will find me first!!!!!

Then a black lady tears off all her clothes and just gets butt-naked!!!!! All the passengers look at her and ask, "What are you doing?"

The black lady says... "GIRL!!!!!, you knows they always look for the black box first!!!!!
 

June 7, 2003

Change of Name

(Contributed by Shaun Szarnicki)

News is in that the Taliban are extremely offended at being called 'Towel Heads'.

We have been informed that they do NOT wear towels on their heads.

They wear sheets.

In the future please call them 'Sheet Heads'.
 

June 8, 2003

The Blonde And The Mirror

(Contributed by Annie Shugart)

There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York, there is a magic mirror. If you go to it and tell it the truth, it will grant you a wish. If you lie - poof!!, it swallows you up.

A brunette, blonde and a redhead walk into the bar. They head straight for the mirror and
the redhead goes first. She says "I think I'm the most beautiful woman on Earth."

Poof!! - the mirror swallows her up.

The brunette goes up She says "I think I'm the sexiest woman on Earth."

Poof!! - the mirror swallows her up.

Last is the blonde. She says "I think........"

Poof!!
 

June 9, 2003

A Lesson Learned

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

A man was walking down the street, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man, who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you buy beer with it instead?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man said.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you BLOODY NUTS?" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you two dollars. I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I'm very dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's okay, mate! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, and golf.
 

June 10, 2003

Silent Treatment

(Contributed by Shaun Szarnicki)

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and  that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
 

June 11, 2003

The Decoy

(Contributed by Kris & Mike)

A big game hunter takes his pet poodle with him on Safari in Africa and the poodle is running through the jungle. While wandering about he notices a leopard heading in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The poodle thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep trouble now." Then he sees some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That poodle nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, he goes chasing after the leopard. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the poodle says,  "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!"

June 12, 2003

House of Prostitution

(Contributed By Bob Yearwood, Sr.)

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the comer of his eye.....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought......Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real....Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell....The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"....He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.".....

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." ....He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented....The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, Please knock on this door".............

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.....This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway".......

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.....

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him........

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
 

My Jobs

(Contributed by Gordon Dudley)

 My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned.  Couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, and so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef.  I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but, any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED . . . AND I FOUND I AM JUST PERFECT FOR THE JOB!!!
 

June 14, 2003

Fish Hook

(Contributed by Jay Wilson)

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.64."

The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

The Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

The Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."
 

The Shepherd

(Contributed by Gordon Dudley)

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep".

"That is correct, take one of the sheep," said the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

"OK, why not," answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant" said the shepherd.

"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You turned up here, although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog".
 

June 16, 2003

Fly Story

(Contributed by Annie Shugart)

Once upon a time, there was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn when she happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure.

Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to pig out. She ate, and ate, and then she ate some more! Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas, she had eaten far too much and could not get off the ground.

Wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation she looked around and spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall. She'd found a solution! She realized if she could just climb up that handle and jump off to become airborne she'd be able to fly again. So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor.  

Dead Fly.

What is the moral of this sad story?

"Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of s--t."

June 17, 2003

Dear Abby

(Contributed by Tammy Mason)

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning. When I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse is everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating! Also, since he lost his job two years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is sit around the living room in his underwear and watch TV while I work to pay the bills. And since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me. He keeps calling me a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed,
Clueless

Dear Clueless:
Dump him. You're a New York senator now. You don't need him anymore.
 

June 18, 2003

The "Secret" Viagra Ingredient

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

They finally released the ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat

June 19, 2003

Mergers

(Contributed by Tammie Mason)

In the Wake of the Exxon/Mobile deal and the AOL/Time Warner implode, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2003 and make yourself a bundle:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
 

June 20, 2003

"Sniffer" The Wonder Dog

(Contributed by Annie Shugart)

 A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the empty seats alongside. The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he is a sniffing dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

 The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."

 Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy."

 The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

 "Fantastic!" replies the first man.

 Once again the handler sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm.

 The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."

 "I like it!" says the first man.

 A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the place.

 The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?"

 The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"

June 21, 2003

Mother of Six

(Contributed by Tammie Mason)
 

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that, in spite of her objections, he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six."

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"

Irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, his wife shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
 

June 22, 2003

Keeping Score

(Contributed by Roger Bertholf)

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."
 

June 23, 2003

What Do Think I Said

(Contributed by Linda Tutten)

After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama Bin Laden made his way to the pearly gates.

There, he was greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry came up from behind. "You wanted to end America's liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punched Osama in the nose.

James Madison came next, and said, "This is why I allowed the government to provide for the common defense!" He took a sledge hammer and whacked Osama's knees.

Osama was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, and 65 other people who had the same love for liberty and America. As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the gate where he was to be judged.

As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he screamed, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. "What did you think I said?"
 

June 24, 2003

What Sex Is It?

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

ZIPLOC BAGS ...
Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SHOE ...
Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER ...
Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.

TIRE ...
Male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON ...
Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES...
Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

SUBWAY ...
Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS...
Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER ...
Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL ...
Female ! .... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

June 25, 2003

Your Kid Has Been Kidnapped

June 26, 2003

Exercise For People Of Age

(Contributed by Gordon Dudley)

For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles.

Three days a week works well.

Begin by standing outside behind the house, and with a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand....extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks and then 50-LB. potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a 100 LB. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight out for more than a full minute.

Next.....start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.
 

June 27, 2003

Bubba's Case

(Contributed by Annie Shugart)

Somewhere in the deep south Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, that's true," answered the lawyer. "And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true, mister lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba, but why do you ask?"

"Cause I was thinkin, maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've been waken' up with."
 

June 28, 2003

Don't Arrest The Judge

(Contributed by Herald Bronski)

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.

He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"

"That it is, "Irish Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."

"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.

"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.

"Well," mused Pat, "there's a lesson in this somewhere."

"That there is," replied Irish Mike...." 'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."

June 29, 2003

The Gender Question

(Contributed by Ester Hamilton)

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.

He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she".

One of the students raised their hand and asked "What gender is a computer"?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender, for the following reasons:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they cause the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender for the following reasons:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
 

June 30, 2003

Blonde Vending Machine

(Contributed by Eddie England)

A blonde is standing in front of a soda machine outside a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine.

She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button. Suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!

She continues to do this until a man waiting to use the machine becomes impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever you are doing?"

The blonde turns around and says, "No chance! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm winning!"
 

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