Florida Dude - Joke of the Day

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.

"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.

"I was a good father," he answers.

"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."

St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.

The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.

But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.

At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let’s get out of here."

The Unassociated Press. 05-02-04

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of
Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action
against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of
convenience store and motel/hotel managers.

A Fairy told a married couple: For being such an exemplary married couple for 25 years, I will give you each a wish"

The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! two tickets appeared in her hands.

He thought for a moment and said: "Well......this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So....I'm sorry my love, but my wish is...........to have a wife 30 years younger than me"

The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and.......abracadabra!...Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.

A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name.

After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.

The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist & all.

That was $400 and I spent another $400 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend says, "$13,200 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"

The widow says, "Three carats."

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking older man in his mid-sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history.
Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage!

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the older man and asks, "Can you top that?"

The older man replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

A small Florida Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie Standen, a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages.

Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Eddie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips."

The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this."

The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist."

Once again the administrator agreed.

And last of all Eddie stated "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00.

One day a young woman went to see her doctor, who had to share the news with her that she was indeed pregnant.

The doctor then says to the 16 year old, "Young lady do you have any idea who the father of your child might be?"

The young woman replies, "Doctor its like this.... if you eat a can of beans, do you know which one made you fart?"

A man went into a tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a female patron. He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."

"What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating, too". She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"What a coincidence, the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.

"I switched cocks" he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.

A journalist heard about an old Jew who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.

So she wanted to check it out. She goes to the Wailing Wall and there he is! She watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from Fox News. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"

"For about 50 years."

"I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a frickin' wall."

Did you hear about the blonde student who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?

Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't just get taller girls?

Q: Did you hear about the dead blonde in the closet?
A: She was last years hide and seek winner.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.

Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They can't remember the route.

Q: Have you heard what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool?
A: No smoking.

There was this country fellow from Tennessee who had a flat tire, pulled off the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in the front and another in back of the car.

Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned and went back.

He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither."

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, the other four.

The nine-year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your Mom, huh.?"

The nine-year old shakes his head and replies, Nope, not for my Mom."

Cashier: "Well, they must be for your sister then?"

Nine-year old: "Nope, not for my sister either."

Cashier, curious now: "If they're not for your Mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"

The nine-year old says, "They're for my four-year old brother."

Surprised, the cashier asks, "Your little brother right here??"

Nine year old explains: "Well, yeah! They say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike, and my little brother can't do either!"

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when,
through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things....................

Then you are probably the family dog.

We've just been notified by Security that there have been six suspected terrorists working out of your office. Five of the six have been apprehended:

Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.

Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office.

Security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the TX State Trooper Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet your are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball.

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.

A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he craps in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.

"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border," says the agent.

"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaims. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of George Bush on the other."

"This I gotta see," replies the agent. With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in front of the agent. "By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent.

"Go on home to Boston."

"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from Boston?

A Tennessee Mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen.

When she got home she asked her husband, "What's a specimen?"

He replied, "Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse."

The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.

"What in the world happened? asked her husband.

"Danged if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose."

5) Lorena Bobbit's------ Camp Cutaweewee
4) Tanya Harding's------ Camp Wackaneenee
3) Kenneth Star's------- Camp Catchacrookee
2) O.J. Simpson's------- Camp Killachickee

And the number one camp not to send your kid to:

1) Tommy Lee's---------- Camp Kickachickee

The husband had just finished his book, "Man Of The House."

He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face. He said, "From now on know this....... I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me one of my favorite meals tonight. When I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Immediately after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. When I'm finished with my bath, guess who will dress me and comb my hair?"

Quickly his wife replied....... "Most likely, that'll be the funeral director!"

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."

The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys
to the mechanics any problem they had with the airplane during the flight.
The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then explain in
writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken.

The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by Qantas pilots
and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas
is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
S = The solution and action taken by the engineer.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be more serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door With suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you tell mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no frickin bike!"

John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends . One night, they both died in a terrible car accident.

When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said, "St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can't find him!"

St. Peter said, "My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn't make it to Heaven."

This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other.

John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, "Are you sure I'm in the right place?"

"My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn't!''

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Marvin sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right, the captain is a woman? I think I better have a whiskey and water."

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right, the captain is a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact the entire crew is female."

"My God," said Marvin, "I'd better have two whiskeys and water. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit..... it's now called the box office."

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 70-year-old Texas rancher (whose hand had been caught in a gate while working cattle), the doctor and the old man were talking about George W. Bush being in the White House.

The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a " 'post turtle'."

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.

The old man said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor stupid bastard get down."

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my golden retriever had fresh air.

She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay..... Do you hear me?... Stay!.. Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde, gave me a strange look and said. "Why don't you just put your car in park?" ????