A New Way To Diet

(Contributed by Stephen Matthews)

Tammy and Ann were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, Tammy said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."

"Why don't you just leave him then ?" said Ann.

"Oh ! Not yet." Tammy replied, "I'd like to lose at least another ten to fifteen pounds first."
 

Twins

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

A woman, who was pregnant with twins, got into a car accident and went into a coma... She was rushed to the hospital where doctors delivered her twins to save them. But as she was in a coma and her husband was overseas on business, her brother was the only one present to name her children.

When she came out of the coma, hours after arriving at the hospital and found out that her brother had named the twins, she was very worried. Her brother was not very bright, and she didn't think he would have done a very good job of choosing her kids' names.

When he came in to see her she asked, "So what names did you choose for my children?"

He replied, "The first born was a girl."

"Oh," started the woman, "and what did you name her??"

"Denise," answered her brother.

The woman was very surprised, and very pleased, "Hey, that's not half bad," she exclaimed to her brother, "and what did you name the second child?" She waited excitedly to hear the name her brother had chosen for the other child

"Well, the next born was a boy," her brother informed her.

"Yes, and what did you name him??" inquired the woman.

Replied the brother, "Denephew."

Fat Free
(Contributed by Horace Mechar)

I stopped at a fast-food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered Fat-Free French Fries. I decided to give them a try.

I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer, which was dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order.

"Just a minute!" I said. "Those aren't fat-free."

"Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes . . . the fat is free!"
 

Sunday Sex

(Contributed by Bob Bluhm)

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?"

So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi.

The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

(Contributed by Steve Sherwood)

A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.

"Hey, what's up with you?", he asks.

"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me."

"Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?"

"Neither, He's bald."
 

New Findings

(Contributed by Bob Bluhm)

A marine biologist was telling his friends about some of his most recent research findings. "Some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles," he said.

"What the heck would one whale say to another 300 miles away?" asked his sarcastic friend.

"I can't be sure, "the expert said, "but it sounds something like 'Can you hear me now?'"

(Contributed by Betty Blackburn)

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date With this See-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother Just pitched a fit, Telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are Modern Times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out She goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the Grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The Teenager Wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that She has Friends coming over and that it is just not Appropriate...

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can Show off your rose buds, then I can display my Hanging baskets.
 

Old People

(Contributed by Gerry Jones)

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded
his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her the more agitated he became.
He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "And while you're in there, you might as well get my hat, and the credit card."
 

Lawn Mower

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
 

Why Men Wear Earrings

(Contributed by Buck "Buck" Mahan)

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his
co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

( I always wondered how this trend got started - Florida Dude)
 

How Much Is Howard Worth?

(Contributed by Roy Bauch)

An Arkansas Farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the door. "Is yer paw home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well, said the farmer, is yer maw here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with paw."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with maw and paw."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer paw."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer paw. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment, then said; "You'd have to talk to Pa about that. If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
 

Forgetful
(Contributed by Mary Sutherland)

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."
 

Why We Split Up

(Contributed by Bryan "Buck" Mahan)

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.

I asked her, "How come I have to give up stuff and she didn't."

She said,  "I need the make-up to look pretty for you."

I told her that was what the beer was for. I don't think she's coming back
 

Dead or Alive

(Contributed by Frank Tomlinson)

COURT TRANSCRIPT

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
 

Night Course

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

During work, Jack and Ronald were chatting.......

Jack: Ronald, I've been taking night courses for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.
Ronald: bah
Jack: for example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
Ronald: no.
Jack: he's the inventor of the phone in 1876, if you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place.......
Jack: do you know who is Alexander Dumas?
Ronald: no
Jack: he's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again......
Jack: and do you know who is Jean Jacques Rousseau?
Ronald: no
Jack: he's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses you would know this.

This time, Ronald got irritated and said: and you, do you know who is Robert Davis?
Jack: no
Ronald: he's the guy sleeping with your wife, if you stop night courses, you would know this.

A Damn Fine Explanation

(Contributed by Tom Cronk)

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
 

Bill, Wake Up

(Contributed by Phil Henderson)

Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?"

Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."

To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up, just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."

Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."

(in case your blonde, and don't get this one...Hillary wanted Bill to save her spot in bed, and not bring in another woman into the bed, while she was gone to the bathroom...to save her spot - Florida Dude)
 

Nabbed At The Airport

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the attorney general said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," a Justice Department spokesman said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes".

Olive Oil

(Contributed by Horace Murphy)

Trying to control her frizzy and dry hair, Kay treated her scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor than that her hair obviously needed it, she washed her hair several times with strong soap.

That night when Kay went to bed, she leaned over to her husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"

"Why ?" he asked, pulling back. "Do I smell like Popeye?"
 

A Blonde Joke

(Contributed by Roy Bauch)

A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked. "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
 

Little Old Lady

(Contributed by Ton Cronk)

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her ..."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game; a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what?s in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

Yumpin' Yimini!

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

Ole was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty dollars," she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, "What the hell, it's only twenty bucks."

So, they hide in the bushes and they're going "at it" for a few minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" demands the officer.

"I'm making love to my vife!" Ole answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Vell," Ole says, "Neider did I, til you shined dat dang light in her face".
 

(Contributed by Kevin McKeffrey)

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO grand.

 "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No, "she replies. . . .You just happened to catch my eye."
 

Summer Shorts

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

Another three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid
me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."
*****
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?
*****
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother
asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
*****
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened
to the flea?"
*****
Can people predict the future with cards? My mother can. Really? Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.

Little Johnny Learns To Count

(Contributed by Martin Bell)

The teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he says, "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three."

"Four," answers little Johnny.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

Little Johnny smiles and says, "Jack."

The Car Ride

(Contributed by Jack Shuler)

One day a blonde and a brunette were out for a ride in the blonde's new car.

Suddenly, a jerk pulled in front of them.

The blonde then put her lips on the steering wheel.

The brunette feared for her life, but had the courage to ask, "What are you doing?"

The blonde calmly replied, "I'm trying to blow the horn, of course!"
 

Doctor Visit

(Contributed by Phyllis McMartin)

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, he dug out a magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
 

Post Turtle

Animal Football

(Contributed by Malinda Collins)

One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.

Then came the second half...

First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five yard loss.

The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.

"Who made that tackle?" asked the ant.

"I did," said the centipede.

Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five yard loss.

Back in the huddle the flea asked, "Who made that great stop?" "I did," said the centipede.

Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss.

Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, "Where were you in the first half?"

The centipede replied, "Puttin' on my shoes!"
 

Decision Maker

(Contributed by Betty Blackburn)

A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face.

"Mom, look, I'm a white boy."

His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father."

He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look dad, I'm a white boy."

His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your grandmother."

The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says, "Mira, Abuelita, I'm a white boy."

His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.

His mother says, "See. Did you learn anything from that?"

The boy replies, " I sure did. I have only been white for five minutes and already I don't like you damn Mexicans.