(Contributed by Robert Murray)

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Bob always wanted a pair of Authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Martha?"

Martha looks him over, "Nope."

Bob says excitedly, "Come on, Martha, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Martha looks again, "Nope."

Gas Station Promotion

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

A gas station in West Virginia was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time.

Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3.

You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged ----- my wife won twice last week.

Granny Biker

(Contributed by Cecilia Johnson)

The little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.

She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join.

The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there" and points to a Harley in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep...drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep...smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope .. but I've been swung around by the nipples."
 

Bull

(Contributed by Jim Clark)

A rancher goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. The transaction is made and the banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.

The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows!"

"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the rancher.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

Rancher: "I don't know, but they taste a little like peppermint."
 

The High Price Of Romance

(Contributed by the Florida Dude)

A husband had been away for a few months and had a romantic evening planned for he and his wife. He sent the two older kids to the movies but could not persuade the youngest boy to go along.

Finally he makes a deal with the boy. If the boy will go sit on the curb in front of their house, the father will give the boy $5 bucks for every man he sees go by in a red hat.

A while later the little boy comes running into the house and bangs on the bedroom door and shouts:

"Dad, if you think your getting screwed in there, you'd better come outside, there's a Shriner's convention going past."
 

Pro and Con

(Contributed by John West)

If pro- is the opposite of con- then congress must be the opposite of progress.
 

Dog Confusion

(Contributed by Tammie Mason)

A blond cowgirl rides into a town on a hot blistering day riding her horse with her dog following. She ties her horse and the dog under the shade of a tree. The Blond cowgirl goes into the bar for a cold beer.

About 20 minutes later a policeman comes in and asks who owns the dog tied under the tree. The Blond cowgirl tells him that its hers.

The policeman says; "Your dog is in heat".

The Blond cowgirl answers; "No way the dog's in heat; he's cool, cause he's tied under the shade of the tree".

The policeman says; "No, you don't understand, your dog needs to be bred".

The blond cowgirl shakes her head and says; "No way the dog needs bread, he's not hungry, I gave him beef jerky this morning".

The policeman finally gets mad and says; "Look, your dog wants to have sex".

The blond cowgirl looks at him and says "Go ahead, I always wanted a police-dog".
 

Grocery Shopping

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

A mother and her young blonde son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries...

The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

"What are you doing?" his mother asked.

"I'm looking for the seal. You can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained.
 

Dead

(Contributed by John Gifford)

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the damn wall!"
 

Sick But Funny

(Contributed by Kerry Pardue)

You've got to be a Marylander to fully appreciate this...

The day after his wife disappeared in a boating accident, an Ocean City man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maryland State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Rice, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Rice shouted.

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Rice said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the Assawoman Bay near the Rte 90 Bridge."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Rice. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued. "When we pulled her up she had 12 huge blue crabs and 6 good-size blue crabs on her."

Stunned, Mr. Rice demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow

Best Chicken Joke Ever

(Contributed by Tommy Cronk)

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit upset, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.
 

You Got Me

(Contributed by Dave Bell)

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!"

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"
 

Easy diagnosis

(Contributed by Bernie Hogan)

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
 

Chinese Laundry

(Contributed by Cecil Montgomery)

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."

"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"

So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.

The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"

The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"

"Me, is right here," replies the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, "Hans Olaffsen." Then she look at me and go, 'Whats your name?'"

"I say, Sem Ting."
 

The Perfect Poem

(Contributed by Cheryl Miller)

I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC;
It plainly marks four my revue,
Mistakes I cannot sea;
I've run this poem threw it,
I'm sure your please to no;
Its letter perfect in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
 

Italian Pasta Diet

(Contributed by Jack Shuler)

1.. You walka pasta da bakery.

2.. You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!
 

Blonde Bomber

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

A blonde, a brunette and redhead were walking along the beach.

A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde, the brunette says in a disgusted voice, "Hang on, the bathroom is just up the hill, I'll go get some toilet paper."

After she leaves, the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead says, "What's so funny?"

The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her, by the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!"
 

Beethoven's 9th

(Contributed by Pat Garrett - of WROV fame)

Quite a number of years ago, the Roanoke Symphony was doing Beethoven's Symphony No. 9. Now at this point, you must understand two things:

1. There's a quite long segment in this symphony where the basses don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page. 2. There used to be a tavern, right across the street from the Civic Center, rather favored by local musicians.

It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the symphony, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews.

When they got there, a local DJ recognized that they were musicians, and bought them several rounds of drinks. Two of the bassists passed out, and the rest of the section, not to mention the nobleman, were rather drunk. Finally, one of them looked at his watch and exclaimed, "Look at the time! We'll be late!"

The remaining bassists tried in vain to wake up their section mates, but finally those who were still conscious had to give up and run across the street to the Civic Center.

While they were on their way in, the bassist who suggested this excursion in the first place said, "I think we'll still have enough time--I anticipated that something like this could happen, so I tied a string around the last pages of the score. When he gets down to there, the Director's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."

Sure enough, when they got back to the stage they hadn't missed their entrance, but one look at their conductor's face told them they were still in serious trouble. The Director was furious! After all...

It was the bottom of the Ninth,

The score was tied,

There were two men out,

The basses were loaded,

and the Count was full.

Where Did The White Man Go Wrong

(Contributed by Shaun Szarnicki)

Indian Chief, "Choctaw," was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, Clean Water; women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.

Spaghetti

(Contributed by Betty Blackburn)

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said.

The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without!  Request bread...
 

50th Anniversary

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to
her husband, a retired Marine, and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married"

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?

He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."

She giggled and said; "Thats exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"

He looked her up and down and said, " Mission Accomplished"
 

1600 Pennsylvania Ave

(Contributed by Jack Jackson - of WROV fame

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."

The man thanked him and again walked away .

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!"

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."
 

Promised Land

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

2,000 years ago, Moses said, "Pick up your shovel, pack your ass, mount your camel and I shall lead you to the Promised Land."

200-plus years ago, George Washington said, "Get off your ass, use your shovel, clear the land, grow plants for camels and it will be the Promised Land."

The Congress of the United States said "Si, Amigos, throw away your shovel, sit on your ass, light your Camels, we're giving you the Promised Land."
 

Obituary

(Contributed by Fred Lane)

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit. editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, Well then, let it read "Fred Brown died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a 7 word minimum for all obituaries. Only a little flustered, she thinks thing over and in a few seconds says, In that case, let it read, "Fred Brown died: 1983 Pickup for sale."
 

The Preacher

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday"

 Divorce and Pepsi

(Contributed by Tom Cronk)

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

The man won!

Advertising

(Contributed by Jack Jackson)

Ali and Mohamed are panhandling on the Fisherman's wharf.

Ali drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Mohamed only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

Mohamed asks Ali how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10.00 bills every day.

Ali says "look at your sign. It says: I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."

Mohamed looks at Ali's sign.

It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to my country."
 

Couples

(Contributed by Helen Ault)

An elderly couple who had just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary were sitting on their porch, relaxing. Both were simply reading a book and rocking on their chairs. Suddenly, the wife looks at her husband and whacks him across the head, then she goes back to her book.

Her husband, puzzled, asks, "What was that for?"

She replied, "That was for 50 years of bad sex."

They both go back to their books, and a few minutes later, the husband looks at his wife and whacks her across the head, then he goes back to reading his book.

The wife, also puzzled asks him, "What was that for?"

Not looking up from his book the husband answers, "That is for knowing the difference."
 

Jobs At The Food Company

(Contributed by James Nash)

One day, three unemployed factory workers heard that a large food company was enlarging and needed more staff. So they went downtown to see if they could get themselves a job.

After filing out their applications, each one was interviewed and each one managed to get hired. As they were waiting to be assigned their new duties, a foreman came by and spoke to the hiring boss.

The foreman told the boss that he didn't think it was such a good idea as one of the workers had snapped for no apparent reason at his last job.

Also a second was said to have had cracked up after severe mental stress.

The third, he believed was their father who he felt was a bit odd but he couldn't put his finger on it.

The hiring boss reassured the foreman and said that they would start on something easy and after a week, the company would re-assess them to see if they would be kept on.

The foreman reluctantly agreed and asked the boss where he thought they should start.

The boss replied, "Why not take them and put them in our Cereal Division...Snap, Crackle and Pop should work out fine down there."
 

What Goes First

(Contributed by Ben Meggitt)

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Oscar raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's yourlegs."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now Oscar, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Oscar said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!" "If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The Nun fainted!