June 3, 2009

It's In The Name

Contributed by The Florida Dude

Q: What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?

A: Their middle name.

June 4, 2009

Social Security

Contributed by Stephen Hydrick

 After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me". And she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.  She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too".

June 5, 2009

Good News / Bad News

Contributed by Joe Branduff

A guy is in the hospital with two broken legs. The nurse comes in and tells him that there's good news and bad news.

The guy asks for the bad news first.

The nurse says, "We're going to have to remove your legs."

Then the guy asks for the good news.

The nurse says, "The guy beside you wants to buy your sneakers."

June 6, 2009

Traffic Camera - It's A Man Thing

Contributed by Perry Woods

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again.

He tried a fourth time with the same result.

The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

June 7, 2009

Doctor Deeds

Contributed by Dave Armstrong

An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks."

A British doctor says: "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks."

A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks."

A United States doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind...... We just took a man with NO brain, made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work.

June 8, 2009

The Eyes Have It

Contributed by Rodger Smith

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... And stay for breakfast.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?".

"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."

June 9, 2009

Married Guys Fishing

Contributed by Glenn Byron

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend.  I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third guy: 'Man, you both have it easy!  I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. '

You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.  What's the deal'

Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am.  When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said: 'Fishing or Sex?' She said: 'Wear sun-block.'

June 10, 2009

The Penny Scale

Contributed by Dominique Palmer

After the holidays and all those delightful, seasonal treats, a husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tells your fortune and weight.

He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and an absolutely great lover in bed!"

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too!"

June 11, 2009

Business Talk

(Contributed by Shorty Kingston

The income tax expert was visiting the school to talk about taxes. “I’m going to tell you now about “indirect” taxes. Can anybody tell me what an indirect tax is?”

“A dog license,” said Smart Josh.

“And why is that?” asked the expert.

“The dog doesn’t pay it,” replied Josh.

June 12, 2009

Garden Variety Facts

Contributed by Tom Dyer

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.

So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No," she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

June 13, 2009

Bad Grammer

Contributed by Margie Nesbeth

Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher, Miss Figpot, decided to stop by Little Johnny's house on her way home. She wanted to discuss Johnny's poor performance directly with his parents.

When she rang the door bell, Little Johnny answered.

"Hello Johnny, I'd like to talk to your mother or father," she said.

"Sorry, but they ain't here." He replied.

"Johnny!" She said, "what is it with your grammar?"

"Haven't got a clue," Johnny replied, "but dad sure was mad that they had to go bail her out again!"

June 14, 2009

The Fishing Trip

Contributed by Bryan "Buck" Mahan

Pete and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Pete headed home frustrated.

The following week when Pete 's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Pete . He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Pete "?

"I didn't have to," Pete replied. "Last week when I left our meeting, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the ol'lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'."

"When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroomand tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'......SO HERE I AM!"

June 15, 2009

Morning Briefing

Contributed by Gerry Jones

The commanding officer of a regiment of U.S. Marines was about to start the morning briefing to his staff, battalion and 20 company commanders.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit "frisky" the night before thus he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?'

The regimental executive officer chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A captain said it was 50-50%. The colonel's aide responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel then turned to a private asking what his opinion was.

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it must be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess..... asked why?

"Well, sir, "if there was any work involved, the officers would all have me doing it for them."

June 16, 2009

Just Like Dad

Contributed by Jacqui Sexton

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like Dad!"

Her mother replied, "So what you want from me, sympathy?"

June 17, 2009

A Mother's Sex Education

Contributed by Jose Cordova

A mother worries that her teenage daughter is having sex and might get pregnant, so she consults several parenting websites for advice.

Later that evening, as her daughter prepares for a date, the mother sits down to talk with her. "I know you are adult enough to make the right decision about your body. But I want you to please try to abstain from sex until you're married. If you must have sex, then please use protection."

Feeling proud of herself for being so pro-active, the mother hands her daughter a box of condoms.

The daughter laughs and hugs her mother. "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that!  I'm dating a girl!"

June 18, 2009

The Heart Attack

Contributed by Perry Woods

An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.

After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face. Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."

"Oh, dear heavens," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock!

"We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"

June 19, 2009

Redneck Vasectomy

Contributed by Rodger Smith

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

June 20, 2009

Single vs. Married

Contributed by The Florida Dude

Why are single women thinner than married women?

Single women come home, look in their refrigerator, and go to bed.

Married women come home, look in their bed, then go to the refrigerator!

June 21, 2009

50th Wedding Anniversary

Contributed by Perry Woods

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad" gushed son number one.. "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry" said the father, the important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced "You and Mom look great Dad". I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you".

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor.  Despite this we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father, "and cheap ones too!"

June 22, 2009

Dot Question Answered

Contributed by Dave Cuva

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion.

The Indian Embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab or a motel in the United States.

If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.

June 23, 2009

Free Meat

Contributed by Cheryl Dobson

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

June 24, 2009

Reincarnation

Contributed by The Florida Dude

Q: Why are politicians proof of reincarnation?

A: You just can't get that screwed up in one lifetime.

June 25, 2009

Doctor's Prediction

Contributed by Kelli Johansson

Patient: "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"

Doctor: "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. "Yours is the tenth case I've treated; the others all died."

June 26, 2009

Lawyer Logic

Contributed by Ginnie Bolton

A butcher saw a Lawyer passing by his shop one day, and asked him: Atty., what would you do if a dog came in and stole your meat?

Lawyer replied: why? of course, I’ll make the owner pay for it!

The butcher said: If that is so, now you owe me $15 because it is your dog.

The Lawyer replied: very well, just deduct the $15 from the $25 you owe me for the advice, I’ll collect the remaining $10 the next time I pass by here.

June 27, 2009

The Session

Contributed by Perry Woods

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and get dinner.'

June 28, 2009

Dying Man

Contributed by Jeremy Davidson

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man. He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped.

Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd. A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"

Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80s.

"Mr. Policeman," said the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now, I'm living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue, and every night I'm=2 0overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."

The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay.

The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice…

B-4 ... I-19 ... N-38 ... G-54... O-72

June 29, 2009

Blonde In Heaven

Contributed by John Jacobs

A blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."

"OH, NO!" exclaimed the blonde.

But Saint Peter said not to worry, because he would make it an easy test. "Who was God's son?" asked Saint Peter.

The blonde thought for a few minutes and replied, "Andy."

"Andy? That's interesting. What made you say that?" inquired Saint Peter.

Then the blonde started to sing, "Andy walks with me. Andy talks with me. Andy tells me..."

June 30, 2009

What's It For?

Justine Clark

Two young boys were closely examining bathroom scales at the department store.

"What's it for?" one asked.

The other replied. "You stand on it and it makes you so mad that you cus."