Less

Contributed by The Florida Dude

I went to the VFW the other night and told the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less, please."

"'Less'? Never heard of it," he said.

"C'mon, sure you have."

No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"

"I'm not sure," I replied. "It was my doctor who mentioned it.  He said I should 'drink Less.'"

Black Eye

Contributed by Allen Blackman

One night a man stumbled into the police station with a black eye. He claimed he had heard a noise in his back yard and went to investigate. The next he knew, he was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to his house to investigate, and he returned 1 1/2 hours later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

Paybacks Are Hell

Contributed by The Florida Dude

Judge: Haven’t I seen you before?

Man: Yes, Your Honor. I taught your daughter how to play the drums.

Judge: Twenty years!

The Visit

Contributed by Perry Woods

"So I hear you're visiting us tomorrow?" said a friend. "Do you need directions?"

"I'm all set." I replied. "I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override."

"What's a GPS override?" asked my friend.

"My wife." I replied.

Wyoming Bar

Contributed by Dan Pressly

A man is sitting in the Mangy Moose Bar in Jackson 's Hole, Wyoming and was far from home when Barack Obama comes on TV.

The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ass."

Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking him off his bar stool, then stomps out.


He gets back up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer.  Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV.

He looks at the TV and says "She is a horse's ass too!"

Out of nowhere, another local punches him in the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.

He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is Obama country?"


"Nope." replies the bartender. "Horse country.."

Take That

Contributed by Harvey Atkins

A little man is sitting in a bar when a big guy comes up and says, "here’s a punch from Japan".

The little man gets up and the big guy goes, "Here’s a kick from Korea", knocking him down again.

The little guy just smiles and goes away.

15 minutes later the big guy comes over and knock the guy out cold then he looks at the bartender and says, When the big guy wakes up, tell him that was a crowbar from Lowes."

Did You Hear About...

Contributed by The Florida Dude

Did you here about the guy who lost his whole left side?

He's alright now!

Birthday Gift

Contributed by Mark Shoar

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."

"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Mosquitoes

Contributed by Judy Hornaday

Some boy scouts from St. Augustine, FL were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten.

Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up. They're coming after us with flashlights.

Contributed by Rodger Smith

A public school teacher was arrested today at Jacksonville International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President - It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

A B C D E F G J I J K

Contributed by Perry Woods

After being married for thirty years....my wife asked me to describe her.

I looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asked..... "What does that mean?"

I said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said....

"Oh, that's so lovely..... What about I, J, K?"

Well, you know me, "go for the laugh" so I said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

My eyes are still a little swollen....but they're getting better.............

Difference

Contributed by Jamaal Alba

What is the difference between a woman and a battery?

“A battery always has a positive side.”

Blonde Joke Of The Year

Contributed by Glen Tilley

A Blond goes over to her friend's house wearing a TGIF tee-shirt.

"Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?" asks her friend.

"Oh crap!" the blond says. "I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant Tits Go In Front.

Contributed by Joe Burchfield

A man lying on his deathbed called to him, his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor. "I am going to die tonight," and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you can take it all with you. So to my three most trusted friends, you three of course, I am leaving 50,000 dollars in these envelopes. When I die you must come to my funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me." The man handed the three men identical envelopes.

A day later they each received news that, that night the old man had died . So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfill his death wish.

Standing over the coffin one week later the pastor confessed, " I can't hide what I've done. I took 10,000 dollars from the envelope because the church needed to be painted."

Then as he did so the doctor also started to fidget then finally confessed “I took 30,000 dollars from my envelope because the hospital needed a new wing."

Then the lawyer said plainly “You bunch of crooks! I wrote him a check for the full amount!"

Snow White & One Dwarf

Contributed by Gloria, The Florida Dudette

The seven dwarfs always left to go to work in the mine early each morning. As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.

As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.

One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived. "Hello... Hello!" she shouted. "Can anyone hear me? Hello!"

For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, "Hello! Is anyone down there?"

Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing: "Re-elect Barrack Obama, vote for Barrack Obama...."

Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, "Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive."

The Elderly Irish Virgin

Contributed by Perry Woods

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.  Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she died, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper 'final' arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
'BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN'

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker-postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

'RETURNED UNOPENED'

Chat With Grandson

Contributed by Ray Blackaby

I was eating lunch with my 10 year old grandson at school when I asked him, "Did you know that President's Day is tomorrow?"

He nodded.

So I asked "Do you know what that means?"

I was waiting for something "profound", since who knows what they teach them these days, as most civics subjects have been deemed "old fashioned", "politically incorrect", and "non-inclusive" in most school districts.

He said, "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment."

I was so proud, I almost snorted out my iced tea!!

Requirements

Contributed by Patsi Homburg

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"

"No!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"

Again the answer was "No!"

"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

Why Sharks Circle

Contributed by Gerry Jones

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship . "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better after you scare the shit out of them.

Now You Know....

Stress Explained

Contributed by Howard Meagle

Do you want to know what real stress is?  You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to hospital.

Now that's stressful.

At the hospital they say she is pregnant and congratulate you on becoming a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl insists that you are.

This is becoming very stressful.

So then.... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.  After multiple tests are completed, the doctor says that you are definitely not the father, because you are infertile, and probably have been since birth.

You are extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids at home.

NOW THAT'S REAL STRESS!!!

Pride In The Right Thing

Contributed by Perry Woods

The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman President, who happens to be from Florida. A few days after the election the President-elect, whose name is Debra, calls her father and says, "So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a 12 hour drive from St. Augustine."

"Don't worry about it Dad, I'll send Air Force One. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?"

"Oh Dad," replies Debra, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in Washington."

"Honey," Dad complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Dad. The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington;  I'll ensure your meals are salt free. You and mom just have to be there."

So Dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2017, Debra is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's Dad and Mom.

Dad noticing the senator sitting next to him leans over and whispers, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States."

The Senator whispers back, "You bet I do."

Dad says proudly, "Her brother played football at University of Florida!

Amazing Reading

 Contributed by The Florida Dude

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Pettry amzanig huh?

Mozart

Contributed by Gerry Jones

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried.  Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth...the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery.

"My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

Contributed by Brandi Kapfer

This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died.

At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head "yes". The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no”. Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men. Then, he went up to the farmer and asked him why.

The farmer replied,” Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked,’ That mule for sale?'

Contributed by Janet Lowe

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it will always be yours.

If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize you set it free...

You either married it or gave birth to it.

Contributed by Paul Connor

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; one from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, from Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that friends, is how it all works!

It's Thumb Logic

Contributed by The Florida Dude

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."

Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing."

Golfer's Revenge

Contributed by Perry Woods

A golfer hits his ball in to a yard next to the golf course.  As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says 'private property stay out!"

The golfer says "I’m sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it?"

The man says, "It's in my yard and so it is my ball now."

The golfer looks at the man and says, "I understand."

He then walks back to the golf cart gets a golf ball and walks back and throws it into the yard.

The man says "What is that for?"

The golfer replies "I consider myself a gentleman and I believe every prick should have two balls.

Prostate Exam

Contributed by Joe Driscoll

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a guy decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in San Francisco where the beautiful nurses are more gentle and accommodating.

He lay naked on his side on the bed, and the nurse began the examination.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection," said the man.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

My Daughter Said

Contributed by Pam Underwood

My daughter just walked into the living room and said:

 "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, iPad and iPod, and my laptop."

"Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters."

"Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house".

"Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother."

Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said...

"Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed."