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March 2003

 March 1, 2003

Mother's Wise Words

(Contributed by Jay Wilson)

The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow."

March 2, 2003

Origins

(Contributed by Rob Parnell)

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

 Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.  And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride.  They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.   And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a crap, one way or the other.

March 3, 2003

OIL

(Contributed by Jay Wilson)

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we can be short on oil here in the USA.

Well, there's a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for this is purely geographical. All the oil is in Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, Wyoming, Alaska, etc.

And all the dipsticks are in Washington DC.

March 4, 2003

I Just Love. . .

(Contributed by Pam Cope)

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.

"I m so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.

"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"O K," said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...

"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."

March 5, 2003

Which Hand

(Contributed by Jim Clark)

A high school English teacher was reminding her class of the final exam the following day. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" she said.

A smart-alec guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow, I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "Well John, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

March 6, 2003

C-Nile Virus

(Contributed by Buster Sutton)

Have you heard about the new virus warning? It is called C-Nile. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of it so be warned. It appears to mostly affect those  of us who were born before 1970.

Symptoms of C-Nile Virus

1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send to wrong person.
4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the
 

March 7, 2003

Weight & See

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says.

"Did you follow my instructions? "

The blonde nods.

"I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from all that skipping."

March 8, 2003

Getting Old

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office and while there the Doctor asked for a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right-hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

March 9, 2003

Canada Agrees To Help USA....

(Contributed by Michael Sherwood)

The Canadian Government has decided to assist the USA in the war against terrorism.  They have agreed to send:

2 of their largest battleships
6,000 ground troops
6 fighter jets

AFTER THE EXCHANGE RATE, the USA will receive:

1 canoe
2 mounties
12 flying squirrels
 

March 10, 2003

At The Restaurant

(Contributed by Robert VanDyke)

A man was at a restaurant and couldn't figure out what to get, so he asked the waiter, whom he knew, "What do you recommend, Henri?"

"Well, today our special is chicken on a bed of wild rice with green beans almandine and a nice side salad, with a succulent shrimp cocktail and your choice of beverage and dessert," Henri responds.

"That sounds great. How is your chicken prepared?" asked the man.

"We break it to him very gently and tell him it's nothing personal!"

March 11, 2003

Good News - Bad News

(Contributed by Bob Yearwood, Sr.)
  
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.  One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.  He sank like a stone to the bottom and stayed there.  Mary promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.  When he went to tell her the news, he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is you're being discharged, because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses".   "The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with the belt of his robe.  I am so sorry, but he's dead." 

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry."

March 12, 2003

25 THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNED BY MIDDLE AGE

(Contributed by Deborah "Sam" Hassinger)

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

March 13, 2003

Inner Strength

(Contributed by Buster Sutton)

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills, 

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can do all these things...... 

Then you are probably the family dog.

March 14, 2003

Fireworks Ban In France

(Contributed by Rob Parnell)
 
France announced today that it plans to ban fireworks at Euro Disney, following last night's display that caused soldiers at a nearby French army garrison to surrender.

March 15, 2003

Irish Resolve

(Contributed by Jay Wilson)

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo Mr. Hussein!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now" said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighhbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on. We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment."

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Paddy rang the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne. We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well."

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin' Mr. Hussein. I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints and decided there's no fookin way we can feed two million prisoners! Plus, St. Patrick's Day is 2 days away."

March 16, 2003

UN Inspectors

(Contributed by Valeria Cook)

 Have you noticed anything fishy about the UN inspection teams who are in Iraq? They're all men!
 
How in the name of the United Nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash? We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things.

For crying' out loud! Men can't find the dirty clothes hamper. Men can't find the jar of jelly until it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the floor.... and these are the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons of mass destruction?

I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in.

Mothers can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope.

Mothers can find gin bottles that dads have stashed in the attic beneath the rafters. They can sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away. They can tell when the lid of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice when a quarter inch slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake.

A mother can smell alcohol on your breath before you get your key in the front door and can smell cigarette smoke from a block away. By examining laundry, a mother knows more about their kids than Sherlock Holmes. And if a mother wants an answer to question, she can read an offender's eyes quicker than a homicide detective.

So... considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection team, why are we sending a bunch of old men who will rely on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats?

My mother would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand, grab Saddam by the ear, give it a good twist and snap, "Young man, do you have any weapons of mass destruction?" And God help him if he tried to lie to her.

She'd march him down the street to some secret bunker and shove his nose into a nuclear bomb and say, "Uh, huh, and what do you call this, mister?" Whap! Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap! And she'd lay some stripes across his bare bottom with that soup spoon, then march him home in front of the whole of Baghdad.

He'd not only come clean and apologize for lying about it, he'd cut every lawn in Baghdad for free for the whole damn summer.

Inspectors my ass... You want the job done? Call my mother.

March 17, 2003

Sex For Old Time Sake

(Contributed by Jim Clark)

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern, The husband leans over and asks his wife. Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.

"Yes she says I remember it well"

Ok he says "How about taking a stroll a round there again and we can do it for old times sake"

Oooooooh Henry, You Devil, that sounds like a good idea she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this: two old-timers having sex against a fence.  I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. He follows them...

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks, Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers, she turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in, suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.

They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year olds. this goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling "Ohhhh, God" he's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable, Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed, He thinks he has leaned something about life that he didn't know before.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching thinks, "That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is."

As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together, Is there some sort of secret?

"No, there's no secret" the old man says, fifty years ago that darn fence wasn't electric !
 

March 18, 2003

Are You Polish?

(Contributed by Bob Yearwood, Sr.)

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you, if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?! Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?! Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?! Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican?! Would ya, huh? Would ya?!"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

March 19, 2003

The "F" Word

(Contributed by Jim Clark)

We all know that it isn't polite to use the "F" word!

There are only ten times in history the "F" word has been acceptable for use:

10. "What the f_ was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Look at all them f_ing Indians!" - Custer, 1877

8. "Any f_ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so f_ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

6. "How the f_ did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the f_ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the f_ are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered f_ing showers....My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the f__s going to find out?"- Bill Clinton, 1999
 

AND. . .the Latest use of the "F" word. . .

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f_ing mad." - Saddam Hussein, 2003
 

March 20, 2003

You Know You're A Redneck If

(Contributed by Buster Sutton)

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.
7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
10. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
11. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
12. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
13. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
14. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
15. You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
16. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
17. Your kids take a siphon hose for show and tell.
18. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
19. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
20. You use a rag for a gas cap.
21. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
22. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
23. You can spit without opening your mouth.
24. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it..
25. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
26. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
27. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
28. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
29. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
30. You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.
31. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
32. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
33. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
34. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
35. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
36. You've asked the preacher, "How's it hangin'?"
37. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
38. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

March 21, 2003

Humorous Factoids - With Comments

(Contributed by Valeria Cook)

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time...Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England – but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for this stuff?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hummm....I won't touch THAT one!)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too)

And, the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts. (Do  you think they have bad breath?)

March 22, 2003

Aim Where?

(Contributed by Jay Wilson)

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

March 23, 2003

Question & Answer

(Contributed by Sharon Wilson)

Q: What is the Iraqi Air Force motto?
A: I came, I saw, Iran.

Q: Have you heard about the new Iraqi Air Force exercise program?
A: Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.

Q: What's the five-day forecast for Baghdad?
A: Two days.

Q: What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
A: They both have Kurds in their way.

Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign ambassador.

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A: You only have to teach them to take off.

Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A: ... F-16 ... B-52 ... F-18 ... A-10

Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck.

Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!

March 24, 2003

Love Dress

(Contributed by Jay Wilson)

A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked.

"What are you doing?" she asks.

"Mom, it's my LOVE dress!! Don't you like it?"

"I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over" replies the mom.
When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked.

"Now what are you doing?"

"Mom, it's my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!"

Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction: "Honey, what are you doing?" she give him the same answer her daughter gave her,

"It's my LOVE dress! What do you think of it?"

Her husband thinks long and hard and says, "I think you should have ironed it!"

March 25, 2003

Fish Tale

(Contributed by Bob Yearwood, Sr)

Bubba was stopped by a game warden in Northern Mississippi recently leaving a lake well known for its Bass. He had two five-gallon buckets of fish. As it was during the spawning season, the game warden asked, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

Bubba replied, "Alright, here's the story. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?" the warden replied.

"Un-huh, God's honest truth." answered Bubba. "Ever night I take these here fish down to the lake and let'em swim around for a while. Then I whistle and they jump back into these here buckets, and I take'em home."

"That's a load of crap. Fish can't do that." said the game warden.

Bubba looked at the game warden with an expression of great hurt, and then said, "Damn! Well, I'll just show you then. It really does work.

"O.K. I've got to see this!" The game warden was really curious now.

So Bubba poured the fish into the lake and stood waiting. After several minutes, the game warden turned to Bubba and said, "Well?"

"Well what?" responded Bubba.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?" asked Bubba.

"The fish!"

"What fish

March 26, 2003

Surprise Awakening

(Contributed by Andre' D'Elena)

Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.         
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.

So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen,

and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

March 27, 2003

The Pig

(Contributed by Rob Parnell)

 Saddam Hussein and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road. They killed it instantly. Saddam tells his driver: "Go to da farm over dere and hexplain to dahoner of da pig what appened."

One hour later, Saddam sees his driver coming back from the farm, his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other.

"What appen to you?" Saddam asks.

"Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife, the cigar and their 19 year old daughter made wild passionate love to me."

"My God! What did you tell dem?" asked President Hussein.

 The driver answered: " Good evening, I am Saddam Hussein's chauffeur and I have just killed the pig." 

March 28, 2003

Decisions. . .Decisions

(Contributed by Jay Wilson)

OK, here's your dilemma of the day:

You are the President of the United States.

You've just learned that there is an asteroid headed for France that will completely wipe out their entire country.

It is scheduled to hit about 2:30 a.m. in just two days from now. You have enough ships and Military Personnel nearby that can help evacuate the French people safely, but the ships are on stand-by for the war with Iraq.

Your question:

Do you set the VCR to record the asteroid hitting France,

OR

Do you stay up to watch it live?
 

March 29, 2003

The World Has Gone Mad

(Contributed by Andre' D'Elena)

  "You know the world's gone mad when:

The best rapper is a white guy.

The best golfer is a black guy.

The tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese.

The Swiss hold the America's Cup.

France is accusing the USA of arrogance.

AND

The Germans don't want to go to war!"

March 30, 2003

Chinese Newlyweds

(Contributed by Tammie Mason)

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin.   He is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.

  "My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you   berry frighten. I    promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you say. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

  A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

  She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want .....numba 69".

  More thoughtful silence this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries..............

  You want... Beef wif Broccori?"
 

March 31, 2003

The Coaches

(Contributed by Rob Parnell)

The coaches in St. Landry parish went to a coaches retreat and to save money they had to room together. No one wanted to room with coach Boudreaux because he snores so bad. They decide it's not fair to make one of dem stay wit him the whole time so they vote to take turns.

Coach Fontenot sleeps wit him and he come to breakfast next morning hair a mess, eyes all blood shot. They say, "Man, what happen to you?" He say, "Man, that Boudreaux snore so loud, I watch him all night."

Next night coach Guidrys turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all blood shot. They say, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He say, "Man, no, that Boudreaux shake the roof. I watched him all night."

Third night, coach Doucet turn. Next morning he come to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning you all." They can't believe!  They say, "Man, what happened?" He say, "Well, we get ready for bed. I go and tuck Boudreaux into bed and kiss him good night. He watch me all night long."