(Contributed by Joe Estevez)

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.

"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.

A few days later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "10 pounds."

The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?

The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"

March 2, 2007

Perfect

(Contributed by Kathy Barkley)

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married ?

Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one perfect girl .. the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.

"She was looking for the perfect man," he said.
 

March 3, 2007

I Thought You Were My Wife

(Contributed by Bobby Whitten)

A serious drunk walked into a beachfront bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
 

March 4, 2007

Four Things

(Contributed by Lynn Weaver)

What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?

They are four ways you can lose your house!
 

March 5, 2007

Slogans

(Contributed by Susan Jacobs)

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.

"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?"

Joe answered the correct airline.

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"

Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

"Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?"

And John answered, "Mom...."
 

March 6, 2007

Heart Attack

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.

After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.

Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."

"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock !!! "We've never had a Democrat in the family before" !!!
 

March 7, 2007

A True Statement

(Contributed by Betty Blackburn)

Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and John Edwards were flying to a convention. Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."
 

March 8, 2007

A Close Shave

(Contributed by Carl James)

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"
 

March 9, 2007

American Mileage

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.

(Contributed by Donny Lawson)

A drunk gets on a transit bus. The driver, impatient while the drunk fumbles in his pocket for change, drives off. As the bus starts rolling, the drunk reacts to the sudden movement by stumbling all the way to the back of the bus. The bus stops at the next stop. He reacts by stumbling to the front of the bus. Still the man is fumbling in his pockets for change. The bus jerks forward once again, and the drunk stumbles uncontrollably to the back of the bus. Next stop, the same thing happens. Every time the bus stops, the man would stagger to the front. Every time the bus starts, he staggers uncontrollably to the back. A few stops later the drunk exits the the bus from the front.

"Hey", shouts the bus driver... "You didn't pay your fare yet!"

The drunk, reeling, shouts back "And I'm not going to!..... I walked all the way!"
 

March 11, 2007

The Ring

(Contributed by Ellen Butler)

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

March 12, 2007

The End Of The Ham

(Contributed by Jan Watson)

A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her, "Why did you cut off the end of the ham"? And she replied ,"I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to."

Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied,"I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it."

A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"

Her grandmother replied ,"Well dear, otherwise it would never fit into my baking pan."
 

March 13, 2007

A Bit Of History

(Contributed by Charles Birkner)

The 3 Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hyman, and Maximillian invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.
On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97º. The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that 3 gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130º - turned on the air-conditioner and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them 3 million dollars for the patent.
The brothers refused saying they would settle for 2 million but they wanted the recognition by having a label "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner" on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little bit anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on 2 million Ford cars. They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on 4 million dollars and that just their first names would be shown.

And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls, the names "Norm, Hi, & Max".
 

March 14, 2007

UCLA Study

(Contributed by Kerry Pardue)

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected
 

March 15, 2007

Sea Sickness

(Contributed by Johnny Taylor)

Tom had never been on a fishing boat before, and he was now thinking it was the stupidest thing he'd ever done in his life. Who would ever have believed that seasickness could be this awful? With every pitch and roll, Tom wondered how he was going to survive the remaining two hours of the trip.

One of the deckhands came up to him and said, "Don't worry, young fella. Nobody ever died of seasickness."

"You've just taken away my last hope for relief," Tom said.
 

March 16, 2007

Rotten Luck

(Contributed by Burt Cordova)

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"
 

March 17, 2007

My Mind Is Gone

(Contributed by Malinda Holloman)

"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"
 

March 18, 2007

Lawyers

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb.
Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb . . .

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it.
And one to sue the ladder company.

What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.
An anvil.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
The pronunciation.

What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Why did God create snakes just before lawyers?
To practice.

March 19, 2007

A Doctor And His Wife

(Contributed by Barry Burton)

A doctor and his wife are having an argument in the morning over breakfast and the doctor blurts out, "You know what? You're not that great in bed anyways!"

So he goes off to work and thinks it over and decides to call his wife and make amends.....

So he calls the house and the phone rings many, many times and then his wife finally answers the phone completely out of breath....

So the doctor says, "What were you doing?" and she says, "l was in bed!" and the doctor says, "What were you doing in bed so late in the day?"

The wife says, "getting a second opinion!"
 

March 20, 2007

News Flash

(Contributed by Jack Jackson)

The President of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the next Summer Olympics.

He said that, "Anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country."

March 21, 2007

Scavenger Hunt

(Contributed by Cheryl Hudson)

A woman answered her front door and found Little Johnny and Billy holding a list.

"Lady," Johnny explained, "we are on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
 

March 22, 2007

A Real Problem

(Contributed by World Famous mixologist, Lou)

The trouble with being the Best Man at a wedding is...

You never get a chance to prove it.

March 23, 2007

Genie Curse

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

A Man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."


Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
 

March 24, 2007

Damn

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Shit," says his friend, "and I just joined The Elks!!"

(I hope the blonde's out there understand this joke - Florida Dude)

March 25, 2007

Sex

(Contributed by Shaun Szarnicki)

After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.

Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love.

Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you?"

Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."
 

March 26, 2007

Military Wit & Wisdom

(Contributed by SFC Roy Bauch)

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight-lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges."

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marine Corps, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.
 

March 27, 2007

The Power of Beer

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

*

*

*

*

*

"He should've quit while he was a head!"

March 28, 2007

No Scholar

(Contributed by Dave Ketler)

The Rabbi in a small town in the old country died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was disconsolate for months until the people of the village decided she should remarry.

The town was so small that it only had one eligible bachelor, the butcher.

The Rebbetzin was concerned because she had been wed to a scholar, but this butcher had little education. Still, as she was lonely, she agreed, and soon they were married.

After the marriage, on the next Friday she went to the mikvah and then home to light the candles. Her new husband leaned over and said, "My mother taught me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it's good to have sex." So they did.

She then lit the candles and he again leaned over to her and whispered, "My father taught me that after lighting the candles, it's good to have sex." So they did.

After saying their prayers, they went to bed, but when they awoke the next morning, he said, "My grandmother taught me that before going to synagogue, it's good to have sex." So they did.

After praying all morning, they came home to rest and again he whispered, "My grandfather taught me that after praying, it's good to have sex." So they did.

On Sunday she went shopping and ran into an old friend who asked, "So? How is the new husband?"

She replied, "Well, he's no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family!" .
 

March 29, 2007

Buying A Ticket

(Contributed by Andy Johnson)

Three priests went to the train station to take a trip to Pittsburgh. The senior father looked to the youngest and said, "Will you go to the booth and buy the tickets for us?"

The young priest timidly replied, "Yes Father." And he headed for the ticket booth. When he gets to the window, he sees that the young woman selling tickets is wearing a VERY low cut neckline and is VERY endowed.

"Could I have three pickets to Titsburg?" he blurted. And, embarrassed, he ran back to the other two priests and told them what had happened.

The senior father then asked the middle-aged father if he would go to get the tickets. "And would you please get me two nickels for a dime while you are there?" he added.

"Certainly!" the middle-aged priest replied, "I'll be right back." When he arrived at the booth, he said "I'd like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and give me two nipples for a dime." And, embarrassed, he ran back to the other two priests and told them what had happened.

The senior father was angry and said, "You two wait here, I'll go and get them myself!" And he stormed off to the ticket booth. "I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and two nickels for a dime." he told the young woman, "And you should be ashamed of yourself, young lady. Dressing that way in a public place! Why....I'm sure that Saint Fingers is shaking his Peter at you right now!"
 

The Power of Observation

(Contributed by Pat Good)

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Vet Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
 

Leprechaun

(Contributed by Bryan "Buck" Mahan)

A Dutch golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. The golfer explained and the Leprechaun said, "Oh I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Oh, "I don't want anything, I'm just so glad you're all right!" the golfer answered in relief. I do apologize, I really didn't mean to hit you." The golfer picked up his ball and walked off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun said to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I know what I will do!! I'll give him the three things I would want- a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year went by (as it does in stories like this) and the Dutch golfer was back again. On the same hole as last time he again hit a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is waiting for him.

"T'was me that made ye hit the ball here" the little guy told him. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answered. "In fact, that's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He added, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game, ya know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer said. "I win fortunes in golf. If I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also, Then with a twinkle in his eye he asked, "tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushed, turned his head away in embarrassment, and said shyly, "It's OK"

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job? How many times a day?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looked around then whispered, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What?!" the little Leprechaun cried in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?!"

"Well," the golfer replied modestly, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."