March 2, 2009

Careful What You Ask For

Contributed by Bernie Masterson

After the dance, young Charles asked the young girl if he could see her home.

So she showed him a picture of it.

March 3, 2009

Doctor, Doctor

Contributed by Jim Clark

A man called his doctor and said, “Doctor, I think that my wife has come down with a case of laryngitis.”

“Bring her into the office, then” the doctor said, “and I’ll see what I can do to treat the condition.”

“Actually, I was hoping you could tell me how to prolong it.”

March 4, 2009

Is Honesty The Best Policy?

Contributed by Christen Marshall

After two years of marriage, Tom was still questioning his wife about her lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," Tom asked for the thousandth time, "how many men have you been with?"

"Baby, " she protested, "If I told you, you'd throw a fit."

Tom promised he wouldn't get angry, and convinced his wife to tell him.

"Okay," she said, then started to count on her fingers, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen.....”

March 5, 2009

Catching a Polar Bear

Contributed by Mattie Materson

Q: How do you trap a polar bear?

A: You cut a hole in the ice. Line it with peas. When the bear bends over to take a pee, you kick him in the icehole.

March 6, 2009

Nordakota

Contributed by Tom Cronk

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be 'North Dakota' for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.

Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls...the cow farts.

Ole is very surprised.

He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.

When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?"

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"

Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota."

March 7, 2009

Proper Grammar

Contributed by Perry Woods

On my 66th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. 'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition!

March 8, 2009

The Best Way To End A Fight

Contributed by Harry Evanston

Two women were at a bar.

One looked at the other and said, "You know, eighty percent of all men think the best way to end a fight is to make love."

"Well," said the other woman, "If that was true, that would certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"

March 9, 2009

Difficult Job

Contributed by Hector Peskier

Did you know the most difficult job in the U.S. Military is being a Navy Pilot?

I guess it is really hard to make the boats fly!

March 10, 2009

Kinfolk

Contributed by John "Bo" Lackey

Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at their local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, 'If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?'

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, 'Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even.

March 11, 2009

Good News...Bad News....

Contributed by Dr. Harold Croxley

The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

The doctor says, "They're going to name a disease after you."

March 12, 2009

Behind The Wheel

Contributed by Becki Masterson

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the driver, he was astounded to see that the woman behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn, and yelled, PULLOVER!"

"NO," the woman yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

March 13, 2009

Dot Question Solved

Contributed by Marcia Smith

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a doughnut shop, a taxi cab or a motel in the United States.

If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.

March 14, 2009

Woman Are Like Telephones

Contributed by Bruce Bigley

They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.

But push the wrong button and you are disconnected.

(Editor Note: You can tell Bruce has been married - LOL)
 

March 15, 2009

What Happened?

Contributed by Andrew Boeing

A guy comes home in the middle of the day, finds his wife standing in the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string, high heels, and the whole apartment is flooded.

"What happened here?" he asks.

"I think the waterbed busted," says the trembling wife.

Just then a guy floats by.

"Who's that?" demands the husband.

"I dunno. Must be a lifeguard."

March 16, 2009

Efficiency Expert

Contributed by Cara Baker

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."

"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.

Now I do it in ten..."

March 17, 2009

Turpentine VS Holy Water

Contributed by Allen Good

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson.

March 18, 2009

The Human Body

Contributed by Gerry Jones

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

March 19, 2009

The Errand

Contributed by Ellen Butler

LeRoy R McClelland,Sr, walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.  When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what LeRoy R McClelland, Sr, had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

March 20, 2009

Two Nuns

Contributed by Tom Cronk

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.

One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."

The other Nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."

March 21, 2009

Arm Troubles

Contributed by The Florida Dude

A man went to visit his doctor. "Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. "Hello, Doctor", says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"

"Aha!'' says the doctor.  "I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

March 22, 2009

Serving The Answer

Contributed by Carl Wade

A third-grade child was asked by his teacher to spell “straight.”

The boy did so without error.

“Now,” said the teacher, “what does it mean?”

“Without water or a mixer” was his reply.

March 23, 2009

Kid's Prayer

Contributed by Cindee Bumgardener

A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother.

She said, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail."

March 24, 2009

Techi-Baby

Contributed by Andre D'Elena

Did you hear about the baby born in the high-tech delivery room?

The baby was cordless!

March 25, 2009

Say What?

Contributed by The Florida Dude

What did the Pacific Ocean say to the Atlantic Ocean?

Nothing;  It just waved.

March 26, 2009

Lincoln and Obama

Contributed by Perry Woods

March 28, 2009

A Blonde in Church

Contributed by Cecilia Johnson

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'

No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.'

Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke,

'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

March 29, 2009

Liar...I Mean Lawyer Caught

Contributed by Bunni Haralson

A young Lawyer had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the Lawyer picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big case working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Contributed by Bryan "Buck" Mahan

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those ass holes took $95.00 in taxes.

March 31, 2009

Baldness

Contributed by Bobby Freedman

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.

"Mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.

Johnny thought for a second and said, "I'm glad you don't do any thinking. You would look silly without hair."