Mechanic vs Cardiologist

Contributed by John Morgan

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage.

"Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.  The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and ask, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its' heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.  So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running.."

Contributed by Kevin McKeefery

An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home.  All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Australian home.

After a few weeks in the Australian facility, they came to visit Grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful'',says grandpa.

''We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.''

''Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents'', Abdullah says with a big smile.  ''There's a musician here-- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!

There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!

There's a dentist here -- 90 years old.. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor!

And me -- "I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The F_cking Arab".

Contributed by Hazel Baker

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."

Kids Grow Up So Fast

Contributed by Tom Cronk

A guy is walking down the street and sees Little Johnny smoking a cigarette.  He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke." Johnny looks up but doesn't say anything.

The man asks, "Son, how old are you?"

Little Johnny says, "Six."

Stunned, the man says, "Six!? When did you start smoking?"

Johnny replies, "Right after the first time I had sex."

"Right after the first time you had sex? When was that?"

Little Johnny answers, "I don't remember. I was drunk.

The Sneeze

Contributed by Hank Lengfellner

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.  The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.  As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.  "I have never heard of that condition before" he said.  "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

Cooking With Light Bulbs

Contributed by Tammie Mason

I heard last week that the guy who invented the Easy Bake Oven had died.

His family plans to cremate him.

Should take about two years......

Smokey Bear

Contributed by Andrew Bronson

Q. Why did Mrs. Smokey the Bear divorce Smokey the Bear?

A. Because every time she got hot, he'd beat her with a shovel!

Grandma

Contributed by Susi Martinez

A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "QUEEN SIZE".

He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Granny, YOU wear the same size as our bed!"

Road Signs

Contributed by Ed Abbot

Road signs are a real indication of what an area is like:

In Virginia you have signs saying, "Deer Crossing" ...

At Yellowstone you have signs saying, "Bear Crossing" ...

In Africa you have signs saying, "Elephant Crossing" ...

And in Washington D.C., you have signs saying, "Double-Crossing".

The Prescription

Contributed by Jamal Hernandez

 The physician writing out a prescription for his hypertensive cardiac patient: “Diazepam 5mg (tranquilizer) TDS".

The patient’s wife asks, "Doctor, when are these medicines to be given?"

Doctor: "These are to be taken by you.  He needs rest"

Two Dumb Florida Fishermen

Contributed by The Florida Dudette

Two fishermen, Paul and Jim, decided to rent a boat on the St. Johns River for their favorite sport. After fishing for 4 hours at various places around the river with no luck at all they decided to try one more spot before calling it quits. Suddenly things started to happen and they caught their limit inside of twenty minutes.

Paul said, Hey we should mark this spot, so next time we will know where to come,

Jim says good idea, and he took out a can of spray paint and made a large X on the floor of the boat to mark the spot.

With that Paul says, why did you do that, now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish.

The Doctor Visit

Contributed by The Florida Dude

A man walks into Flagler Medical Center with a stick of celery in one ear, a carrot in the other and a grape up his nose.

Confused, the man asks: "Doctor what's wrong with me?"

Doctor Todd looks at the man and replies: "You're not eating properly!"

Government vs Mafia

Contributed by Henry Bronski

What's the difference between the government and the Mafia?

One of them is organized !

Getting Revenge With Marriage

Contributed by Clarence White

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed.  With a low voice he sad to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."

Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."

Johnson: "But I want you to."

Wife: "But why?"

Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

Father Of The Year

Contributed by Ellen Butler

A man boarded a plane with six kids.  After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours ? "

He replied, " No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints. "

A Dog At The Movies

Contributed by Brenda Ackley

A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash.

He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Did you find that unusual??"

"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual ... because he hated the book!"

Bedtime Prayers

Contributed by Jacquelyn McCarthy

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.

At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

The St. Patrick's Day Haircut

Contributed by Bob McIntyre

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment: shave, shampoo, manicure and haircut, he placed the boy in the chair. Then he said, "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade. I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut'."

The Theater

Contributed by Patrick Larrabee

When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered "Sorry sir, but you are allowed only one seat."

The man moaned but didn't budge. "Sir," the usher said more loudly, "if you don't move, I'll have to call the manager."

The man moaned again but stayed where he was.

The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. The cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's your name, joker?"

"Joe", he mumbled.

"And where are you from, Joe?"

Joe responds painfully, "The balcony!"

Doctor's Logic

Contributed by The Florida Dude

A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says,

"There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you.

Claims he's invisible."

The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."

Redneck Contractors

Contributed by Kevin Morris

Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard.  One of the men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned shortly and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a moment and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house..."

Dinner Prayer

Contributed by Perry Woods

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.  When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy replied.

"Of course, you do.." his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house.

" Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"

Dog vs. Cat

Contributed by Shirley Proctor

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

Kids

Contributed by Heather Augusta

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”

What's Your Name

Contributed by Amy Salvin

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

Golf With Your Spouse

Contributed by Glen Tilley

Husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate shot tournament at his club. He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway. Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife "Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine."

The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods. Undaunted, the husband said "That's OK, Sweetheart" and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time, but in a horrible position.. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in.

His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker.

Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker.

He took the ball out of the hole and, while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey five, and that's OK, but I think we can do better on the next hole"

To which she replied, "Listen sweetie, don't bitch at me, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine."

Guardian Angel

Contributed by Sondra Horton

 A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been.

She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past.

Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?"

Yes!  Shouts the woman, "Just where were the hell were you on my wedding day!"

The Conductor

Contributed by The Florida Dude

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Money From God

Contributed by Jim Clark

A little boy who wanted $100 very badly prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter to "God, USA," they decided to send it to President Obama. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. Mr. Obama thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5, and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to God which read "Dear God, Thank you for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C., and as usual, those bastards deducted $95."

Football or Sex

Contributed by Perry Woods

A man watching a football game on TV kept switching channels to a porno film of a lusty couple.

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife.

"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said.  "You already know how to play football!"

Kings Birthday

Contributed by Ronald Robertson

Many years ago, in the south pacific, there was a small island kingdom that was ruled by a kind and benevolent King. Each year, on the King's birthday, the residents of the island gave the King a new throne as token of their love and respect for him.

And each year, the King would put last years gift up in the attic of his small grass house. After many years of ruling the island, the weight of the large number of birthday presents stored up in the attic became too heavy and caused the house to collapse down on the King.

Moral to the story is: He who lives in grass house, shouldn't stow thrones.