Dog Bite

Contributed by Rodger Burton

A man was checking into a hotel when he saw a golden retriever sitting on a rug near the hotel elevator. Talking to the man behind the desk, he asked, "Does your dog bite?"

The attendant said, "No, he doesn't." But as the man let his hand down to pat the dog, it bit his hand and held on so tightly that the man had to throw him across the room.

Returning to the desk, the man said, "I thought you said that your dog didn't bite." He directed the attendant's attention to the dog, who now had returned to the rug.

The attendant simply answered, "My friend that is NOT my dog."

Joke of the Century

Contributed by Glenn Byron

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

The Last Request

Bill Harmon

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants.

The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the warden.

He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

Politically Incorrect Joke

Contributed by Burt Korte

A Mexican, a Black & a Redneck

A Mexican , a Black, and a Texas Redneck were walking together on a Texas beach when the Black stumbled over a bottle in the sand. He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off, and a Genie appeared.

"I can only grant 3 wishes," the Genie said. "Since there are 3 of you, you may have a wish each."

Pointing at the Black, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish." The Black studied for a moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland, Africa ."

Poof! It was done! Hundreds of ships appeared on the skyline.

The Mexican said, "I weesh for enough Cheby peekups to take all my people back to our homeland, May-he-co!"

Poof! It was done! Row after row of Chevrolet Pickups appeared on the beach.

Turning to the Redneck, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?"

The Redneck watched as the loaded pickups began moving toward the border, then looked out to sea & watched the loaded ships sailing off into the sunset and said:

"Just give me a Bud Light. It doesn't get any better than this!"

The Student

Contributed by Ryan Higginbotham

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam," she says. She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything...

"He returns her gaze, "Anything?"

"Anything."

His voice softens, "Anything?"

"Anything," she repeats again.

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"

Contributed by Joe Kelly

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker. "Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.

"$ 100" she replies.

In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?"

"No" she says.

"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."

"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

"I pay you $300."

"No," she says.

"I pay you $400."

"No," she says.

So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style."

She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?" So she agrees and has sex with him.

Finally, after over an hour, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was ok. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"

The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."

Contributed by Stewart Jacobson

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.

The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through

Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,

Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”

The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”

The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”

Contributed by Tom Cronk

A man and his wife, a humanitarian member of PETA, were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.  It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K. Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its little nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

Contributed by Perry Woods

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food.

Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction.

"The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, You've finally lost your mind.

"But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.

One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time, So ... do you think we should .... well .... you know ... screw her?

""Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other.

Contributed by Benny Anderson

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam," she says. She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..."

He returns her gaze, "Anything?" "Anything."His voice softens.

"Anything?" "Anything," she repeats again.

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"

Contributed by The Florida Dude

Three leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud.  Guinness' president orders a Guinness and the president of Coors orders a Coors. When it is Miller's turn to order he orders a soda. Why didn't you order a Miller High Life everyone asks? Nah Miller replies.  If you guys aren't having a beer neither will I.

Contributed by Horace McMurray

It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the hell do I know? What am I, the frickin weather man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"

The husband replies, I don’t know. Some damn guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.

Contributed by Bobby Hanson

The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.

"I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said. "I think it's the drinking."

"Okay," the patient said. "Can we get an opinion from a doctor who's sober?"

Contributed by Bruce Bigley

The other day I was eating lunch with my 10 year old grandson when his mom asked him, "What is tomorrow?"

He said "It's President's Day"

She asked "What does that mean?" .... I was waiting for something profound...

He said "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment."

Contributed by David Davidson

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

Contributed by Jack Shuler

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?

"No, the woman replied. I'm with the I.R.S.

Contributed by Howard Meagle

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?

Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end & I throw them away.

Judy got completely upset & yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

Contributed by Donald Davis

A man sat down and was seriously staring at the marriage certificate.

After a long time his wife asked, “What are you looking for?

He replied, “The expiration date.”

Contributed by Susan McMurray

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a United States congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

Contributed by Perry Woods

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks...

Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat...

The owner became quite upset and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.

Contributed by Glenn Byron

A friend of mine just started his own business.

He manufactures landmines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.

Contributed by Ellen Butler

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.

Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, "Dooo youuuu have dilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos.  Actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks:  "Doooo youuuu carrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do.."

"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offfff?

Contributed by Howard Meagle

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub?"

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the drain plug.  Do you want a bed near the window?"

Contributed by John Morgan

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.  He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing ?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots ? he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean ?'

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your money back.

Contributed by Rodger Smith

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said, "So why are you here?"

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked, "Why are you here?" The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.

But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said. The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see."

Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

Joke Of The Week

Contributed by William "Bubba" Suttles

How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill Two and A Half Men!

The Islander

Contributed by Navy Lt. Jack Harman

From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad."

Name Change

Contributed by Hopi Armstrong

The NAACP is taking a greater interest in attracting leaders from the Gay community.

This explains their new name, the "National Association for the Advancement of Color-Coordinated  People"

Tennessee Redneck Lent

Contributed by Tom Cronk

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.  But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.  The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. 

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.  After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a  Catholic.

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.  There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.

The Patient Grandfather

Contributed by Ellen Butler

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would
be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . the little bastard's name is Kevin."

Three Old Pilots

Contributed by Jim Clark

Three old pilots are walking on the ramp. First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?”

Second says, “No, its Thursday!”

Third one says, “So am I. Lest go get a beer.”