Copper Wire

Contributed by Howard Meagle

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists' discovery of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later. A local newspaper in Florida reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near St. Augustine Florida, Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Florida had already gone wireless."

March 3, 2012

Golf Problem

Contributed by Jackie Shumaker

Two man playing golf were held up by two women playing in front of them. One man said: "I'll walk up to them and tell them to hurry up."

When he returned he said: "I have a problem, one of the women is my wife and the other one is my mistress."

The second man said: "I'll walk up to them and hurry them up."

He came back and said: " We both have the same problem.”

March 4, 2012

The Dentist

Contributed by Jim Clark

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love.

After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

March 5, 2012

A Cup of Tea

Contributed by Eric Hanson

One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Gramma came home. My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

Gramma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a Gramma would know), "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"

March 6, 2012

Wrong

Contributed by The Florida Dude

If a man is in the forest, talking to himself, with no woman around is he still wrong?

March 7, 2012

Bones

Contributed by the Florida Dude

Q: How does an archeologist tell a male skeleton from a female skeleton?

A: He knows it’s a female skeleton if the jawbone is worn down.

March 8, 2012

Dieters

Contributed by Jim Clark

Dieters know this: A waist is a terrible thing to mind!

March 9, 2012

Star Trek

Contributed by Eric Hanson

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he met U.S. General Patraeus. They shook hands. As they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America ."
The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."
The General laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "That's because it takes place in the future"

* For the Blondes: What the General is saying, there won't be any of those Countries in the future.

March 10, 2012

The Psychic

Contributed by Patrick Hunter

A male frog goes to a psychic. The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"

"No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."

March 11 , 2012

Truck Stop

Contributed by Bernie McNamara

A young man just had his first customer, which turned out to be a BIG BURLY truck driver. The young man walked up to the table where the truck driver was sitting and asked; can I take your order sir?

The truck driver replied, sure kid I want three flat tires and two headlights.

The young man was very puzzled and said, I beg your pardon?

The truck driver said again, look kid; I want three flat tires and two headlights.

The young man was still puzzled, but replied; yes sir, whatever.

The young man then took the request to his boss who was the head cook. He told him about the truck driver's order, and that he wanted three flat tires and two headlights, “I think he's in the wrong place.”

The head cook said, I know what he wants, he wants three flap jacks and two eggs sunny side up; the truck driver is just trying to be smart, I know him. The cook said to the waiter here, take this bowl of beans, give it to him and say this.

The truck driver said, Listen kid, I didn't order this; I said I wanted three flat tires and two headlights.

The waiter replied, Well sir, the head cook said while you wait for your parts, you can gas up!

March 12 , 2012

Cruise Ship Humor

Contributed by Jane Karp

How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? - On the rocks.

What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? - Leeks.

What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? - Follow the captain.

When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied "off course."

So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That's more than can be said for his ship.
Men like their women the same way they like their Italian Cruises. Wet, wrecked, and ready to go down.

The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.

What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia? Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both.

March 13 , 2012

The Doctor's Appointment

Contributed by Judy Stephens

Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment. “I’m sorry,” said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.”

“But I could be dead by then!”

“No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment.”

March 14 , 2012

Who Is The Most Obedient?

Contributed by Jim Clark

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked.

"Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."

March 15 , 2012

State Gov vs. Federal Gov

Contributed by Archer Potete

During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars.

“That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because knowing the federal government, they’d decided to lower the highways.”

March 16 , 2012

Bubba & Johnny Ray

Contributed by Wesley Roberts, USMC

Bubba and Johnny Ray were sittin' on the front porch drinking beer, when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.

"I'm gonna do dat when I win the Florida lottery," said Bubba.

"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.

"Send my grass out to be mowed."

March 17 , 2012

Grandma's New Boyfriend

Contributed by Jim Clark

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh ... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said,
'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yup, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

March 18 , 2012

My Daughter Is Moving Out

Contributed by Bob Dinkins

Last night, my daughter just walked into the living room and said, “Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone, iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Goodwill. Then sell my new car. Take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my sister.”

Well, she didn’t put it quite like that. She actually said…

"Dad, I have decided to work for Obama’s re-election campaign.’”

March 19 , 2012

The Chess Player

Contributed by The Florida Dude

Q: What did the tired chess player do?

A: He took the knight off.

March 20 , 2012

Teacher Question

Contributed by Wayne Hudson

It was the first day of school, and the first grade teacher decided to see how much her students knew about math.

“Steven, can you tell me what is 3 and 2?”

Steven said, “That’s when you should watch very, very carefully before you swing at the next pitch.”

( For The Blonde's - the count is 3 balls, 2 strikes - either he strikes out or walks on the next swing )

March 21 , 2012

Cop Tied

Contributed by Beverley Nicley

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, the policeman was interrupted by a 6 year-old looking up and down his uniform, she asked. “Are you a policeman? “Yes,” he answered and continued writing the report.

“My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?”

“Yes, that’s right, the policeman told her.

“Well, then,” the little girl said as she extended her foot toward him, “would you please tie my shoe?”

March 22 , 2012

Blond Mortician

Contributed by Howard Meagle (of WELK radio fame)

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

March 23 , 2012

A Sensitive Husband

Contributed by Joey Jacquin

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. He opens it to find two sheriff's deputies there. He asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is married.

He says, "Yes, I am."

The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man's wife.

The guy says, "Sure," and gets a photo to show them.

The deputy says, "I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy replies, "I know, but she really has a great personality and is an excellent cook."

Contributed by The Florida Dude

His father sends a small boy to bed. Five minutes later....

"Da-ad...."

"What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

March 25 , 2012

Prescription Drugs and Side Affects

Contributed by Ray Blackaby

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite.

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

Again he declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

March 26 , 2012

Not Taking Any Chances

Contributed by Perry Woods

An Alabama couple had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband a vasectomy. The doctor asked what finally made them make the decision.

The husband replied that they had heard that 1 out of every 10 children born in the United States was Mexican. They didn't want to have a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

March 27 , 2012

Scotland

Contributed by Dave Cuva

I was in a pub last night and saw two “girls of size” (Political Correctness) by the bar.

They both spoke with a brogue accent, and making assumptions about their origins I said, "Hello, are you two girls from Scotland?"

One of them screamed, "It’s WALES you f***ing idiot!"

So I immediately apologized and said, “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?”

That's when all hell broke loose!

March 28 , 2012

Pregnant

Contributed by Burt Korte

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) What he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this:

When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

March 29 , 2012

Government Job

Contributed by Dale Summers

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, " Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, " Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm . You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am , and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm , why don't you want me here until 10:00 am ?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says.

"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.

No point in you coming in for that."

March 30 , 2012

SEX with Ghosts

Contributed by Dave Cuva

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Abdul Muhsin , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Abdul replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

March 31 , 2012

The Elbow

Contributed by Eric Hanson

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow , push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow , push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow , hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

"What . . . .. .. You coming empty handed?"