Vilano Beach Dude - Joke of the Day

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bartender and asks for a beer.

So the guy glances over the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak with frys & a salad?"

An American, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught
consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The American replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt. "If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

"I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out.

He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No shit?"

A blonde bought a new Lexus and returned next day, complaining that the radio didn't work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this!" he said ...."Nelson!" The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" Willie!" he continued ....and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

She drove away happy and for the next few days every time she'd say "Beethoven!", she'd get beautiful classical music ....and if she said "Beetles!", she'd got one of theirs.

One day another driver ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car but she swerved in time to avoid him.

(Contributed by Gerry Jones)

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and yells to his wife, "Quick!, Bring me a beer before it starts!!"

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Hurry!, Another beer! It's about to start!!"

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone he said, "Quick, one more beer! It'll start any minute now!!"

"That's it!" She blew her top!

"You worthless bastard! You waltz in here, flop your big fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Do you not realize that I cook, I clean, I wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed, "Oh shit....... it's started!"

Goldberg and his wife were about to celebrate 50 years together. The three kids, all very successful careerists, but not as attentive as the parents would have liked, agreed to a Sunday dinner at the old folks house. Of course, they were all late, as usual, and the excuses flowed like wine: "Happy Anniversary, Dad!" gushed son # 1..."I'm sorry I'm running late...had an emergency at the hospital, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to stop to get you guys a present!" "Not to worry!" said the old man..."The important thing is, we're together!"

Son #2 came rushing in. "POPS! you're lookin' good! And MOM! you're still beautiful, love! I just got in from L.A. where I closed a really big deal! Came straight from the airport, didn't want to be any later, so didn't have time to buy you a gift. Later. I'm so sorry!" "It's nothing," said Goldberg...we're all together, that's the main thing!"

Daughter: "Mom, Dad, I just learned the firm is shipping me to Europe for a conference. I gotta run as soon as din-din's over...didn't have time for a shopping trip!" Goldberg sighed, "I don't care, we just like being together!"

Halfway through the meal, Goldberg, in a reflective mood, said, "Listen, you three...your mother and I have been thinking that there is something we should tell you. It's been on our mind a lot, so we think you should know. Your Momma and I...well, we came to this country during the war, penniless, desperate...and in the struggle to survive, I'm afraid we just never got around to getting married....we just knew we loved each other, and after a few years, it really didn't seem so important, so...................."

The three offspring, with a collective gasp, said, "DAD! You mean......You mean to say....we're.....BASTARDS?"

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.

The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week to buy 2 dozen condoms. Week after week. . .he would come in with the same order.

One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"

The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"

The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags!"

Two girlfriends are having a conversation about their boyfriends when the first one says: "My boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once."

The other replies, "Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?".

I said, "If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off two?

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

"He said, 'Where'd you get the lousy haircut?'"

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

A big-shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.

He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.

She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry", the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

Miss Blake was quzzing her third-grade students on their spelling words.

She asked Little Bennie to spell "straight."

Bernie did so promptly and without error.

"Now," said the teacher, "what is the definition?"

Again, without hesitation Bernie replied, "Without water."

During my freshman biology class at North High School in Springfield, Ohio, our teacher was lecturing on the conditions in which bacteria exist. Elaborating on the acidic environment where certain bacteria thrive, he suggested a simple experiment. "I want you to drop a nail into a glass of Coke or Pepsi, and then observe the acidic reaction on the nail," he said.

The girl sitting next to me raised her hand and asked in all seriousness, "Do you mean a real nail, or a press-on?"

A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his corn flakes every morning.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

A Chicken and an Egg are lying in bed. The Chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face, and the Egg is frowning and looking a tad put out.

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

An elderly couple showed up at the doctor's office together one day. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "We'd like you to watch us have sex, and make sure everything's all right."

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex, everything's fine." He charged them $50 and they went on their way.

The next week, they showed up again, with the same request, and the next week, and several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $109. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!!!"

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.

"Billy"

"I have three questions. First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan; second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office; and third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

"I have five questions. First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan; second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office; third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House; fourth - why did the bell ring 20 minutes early; and fifth - what happened to Billy?"

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.

Then on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court.

The judge asked the 20 year old what he had to say for himself. The man replied, " Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her her condition. She sat under a sign that said "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that read, " Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a sign that said, " William's Big Stick Did the Trick"
and I could hardly contain myself.

But your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident". "I just lost it."

" CASE DISMISSED"

1. Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam. (seen on Cape Cod)
2 That's It! I'm Calling Grandma! (seen on an 8 year old)
3. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up.
4. Procrastinate Now.
5. Rehab Is for Quitters.
6. My Dog Can Lick Anyone.
7. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?
8. Party - My Crib - Two A.M. (on a baby-size shirt)
9. Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15.
10. ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING.
11. West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names.
12. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
13. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN.
14. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
15. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
16. STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
18. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
19. Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog.
20. POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on.
21. FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
22. HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH.
23. A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.
24. The Meek shall inherit the earth....after we're through with it.
25. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
26. HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. WELCOME TO MISSISSIPPI - Set your watch back 20 years.
28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29. IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?
30. Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!
31. The original point-and-click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
32. MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT.
33. Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.
34. Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
35. MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team.
36. NyQuil -The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
37. Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
38. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.

As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL (Absent With-Out Leave). A search party was organized immediately.

After a few hours, the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor's office

The recruit replied, "My first day here, you issued me a comb, then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day, you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull all my teeth. The third day, you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn't about to stick around and find out what would follow that, SIR."

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home Reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench.

Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?".

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm.

A Police Officer pulls over this guy who's weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, Officer. . .I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that. . .I'll bleed to death."

"I'm sorry, Officer. . .I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that. . .I'll get really low blood sugar."

It was getting crowded in heaven, so it was decided to only accept people who'd really had a bad don the the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the Pearly Gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her. I searched all over the apartment and couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out on the balcony - we live on the 25th floor - and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day and that it was a crime of passion, so he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about his day.

"Well, Sir. . .it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment, when I slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but then some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers. Luckily, I landed on some bushes. But then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big burley man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants." she said.

"That's right," said the new husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man, and I wear the pants in the family."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Heck," he said, "I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be, until your attitude changes!"

1	In your bosses office as you are turning to leave. Tip-Make sure it's a silent one.
2	In a bathroom
3	In a cashier's line - it might help to speed up things
4	In an empty elevator before you get off
5	Next to an occupied changing room - it may quickly become unoccupied
6	In someone else's unoccupied cubicle at work
7	While parachuting
8	While scuba diving
9	In the back seat of a patrol car if you are arrested
10	During interrogation if you're the one being interrogated
11	In your car if you've been carjacked
12	In the changing room when you're sure someone else is waiting their turn
13	In your car once you've been pulled over. The cop may let you go quicker
14	While swimming in the ocean on Vilano Beach. No one will hear you except for the sharks
15	When close to a dog to blame it on

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

The pharmacist inquires, "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

The lady says, "To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you arsenic for that," says the pharmacist.

The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position and shows it to the pharmacist. The man in the photo is her husband, and the lady is the pharmacist's wife.

He looks at the photo and says, "Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription!"

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out, golfing up and down the fairways.

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning... and that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grand-father's still living! How old is he?"

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No...... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

The doctor said in amazement, "Got married! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

It was the first day of Summer School and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their names and what their fathers did for a living.

It was then little Johnny's turn and he said, "My name is Johnny and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasped and quickly moved on, but later, in the school yard, the teacher approaches Johnny privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances in a gay bar.

Little Johnny blushed and said, "No, he's really a guitar player for the Dixie Chicks, but I was too embarrassed to say so."

2	Splash on some nice smelling perfume
3	Slip into a very sexy teddy
4	Crawl into bed and put the frog down "there"

Jump Out Of The Plane