May 1, 2005
(Contributed by Ed Abbot)
A dentist noticed that his next
patient, a little old lady, was nervous. So he decided to tell her a little joke
as he put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't."
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"
Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working.
May 2, 2005
(Contributed by Roy
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard." He says. "She got in
the back-seat by mistake."
May 3, 2005
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."
The string walks away a little
upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the
bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm
sorry, we don't serve strings here."
So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"
And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
May 4, 2005
All Drugs have a Generic Name
(Contributed by Richard Martin)
Tylenol is acetaminophen.
Aleve is naproxen,
Amoxil is amoxicillin.
Advil is ibuprofen, and so on.
The FDA has been searching for a generic name for Viagra, and announced that it has settled on:
May 5, 2005
* 05-05-05 *
The Mexico Trip
(Contributed by Cassie Young)
Three women go down to Mexico one
night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to
find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can
remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, I just graduated from Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
May 6, 2005
A Blonde, the Beach, and...Beer
(Contributed by The
Why doesn't the blonde want to drink beer on Vilano beach?
Because she doesn't want to get sand in her Busch.
Because she doesn't want to get sand in her Schlitz.
Because she doesn't want to get
sand in her Heineken.
May 7, 2005
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one....
"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked.
"Just a minute, I have to go piss."
The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!"
"What about you John, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table."
"And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."
The teacher fainted..
May 8, 2005
(Contributed by Perry Woods - of WPXI Fame)
An older gentleman had an
appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other
The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
May 9, 2005
So Gandhi always walked around with no shoes on so he had really rough feet.
He is also renowned for his hunger strikes that made him very skinny.
He was also a very spiritual man.
But due to his poor diet he had very bad breath.
So what does that make Gandhi?
A super calloused fragile mystic
hexed by halitosis!
May 10, 2005
Breast or Bottle Fed?
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed" she replied
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his GRANDMA, but I'm glad I came!"
May 11, 2005
A Blonde Joke. . .With A Twist
(Contributed by Perry Woods)
A blond carpenter was fixing up
some wooden window frames on a 5-story building. He was using an electric saw
and accidentally cut one of his ears off.
A guy was walking along the street below him so he called out, "Hey, you on the street, can you see my ear down there?"
The guy on the street picks up an ear saying, "Is this it?"
"No," was the reply from the blond carpenter, "mine had a pencil behind it."
May 12, 2005
(Contributed by Roy Bauch)
A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for yourself these days?"
"I'm a fireman," his old friend
"Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy.
"Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night."
Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.
"Well, did your son become a fireman?"
"No," moans the guy, "but my daughter is a stripper."
May 13, 2005
Friday The 13th Virus
(Contributed by Linda Crosby)
It will recalibrate your
refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty.
It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.
It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number.
It will mix Kool-aid into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer and leave dirty socks on the coffee table when company comes over.
It will put a dead aardvark in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.
It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.
It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it.
It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice!
Friday 13th Virus will give you Dutch Elm disease.
It will leave the toilet seat up.
Friday 13th Virus will cause body parts to fall, and your blood pressure to rise.
It will increase the ability of your radio to pick up reactionary talk stations at the expense of others.
It can forge your signature.
It shaves over your bathroom sink and then leaves the hair to clog your drain.
Friday 13th Virus makes you go to work. . .and LIKE IT !
May 14, 2005
(Contributed by Roy
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.
"You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chroma plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead."
"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whadda you gonna do then......pointa to you watch and a say, ‘Times Up?’"
May 15, 2005
(Contributed by Richard Martin)
Friends Dave, and Fred went out for
a round of golf one day. Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball
into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to
get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in
All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life......
Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life......
As a matter of fact, you'll never
have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!
Then POOF!......she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."
Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!"**
May 16, 2005
(Contributed by Gerry Jones)
An executive was in quandary. He
had to get rid of one of his staff.
He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I'm just feeling to bad to help you out."
May 17, 2005
Lock Your Doors
Steve Nelson - of WPXI fame)
Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!
A New Jersey man was found dead in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes. A banana was sticking out of his butt.
Police suspect a cereal killer.
May 18, 2005
(Contributed by Pam Underwood)
Hillary Clinton was out jogging one
morning along the parkway when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and
landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to her, 3 kids who were fishing pulled her out of the water She was so grateful she offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland." Hillary says, "No problem, I'll take you there on my special Senator's airplane."
The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." Hillary says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"
The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!"
Hillary is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you're handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be, after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning.
May 19, 2005
Ratzinger Not First Choice For Pope
(Contributed by Ed
As I understand it, Ratzinger was not the Cardinals' first choice. That was, interestingly, Cardinal Hans Grapje.
Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting bombers until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.
After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.
Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders felt that he should never ascend to the Papacy. They felt that the Church would never accept a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.
May 20, 2005
(Contributed by Roy
There was this fellow from Texas who had a flat tire. He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers, and proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tarr."
In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break
down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never
did understand it neither."
May 21, 2005
(Contributed by Jim Clark)
A man walks into the dentist's
office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out.
I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."
The man grabs the doc's arm, "No way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"
So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas."
The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here," he says. "Take this pill."
The man asks "What is it?"
The doc replies, "Viagra."
The man looks surprised, "Will that kill the pain?" he asks.
"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to, while I pull your tooth!"
May 22, 2005
(Contributed by Richard Martin)
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped into see him.
"I have some good news and some bad
news." says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news ?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant"
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm ?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great" says the business man. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great." said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors"
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side affects ?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."
May 23, 2005
(Contributed by Ben Meggitt)
An elderly gentleman of 85 feared
his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an
appointment to have her hearing checked. The doctor made an appointment for a
hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the
husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.
"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.
Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.
Next he moved into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response.
So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
(I just love this!)
"Damn it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"
May 24, 2005
What, Exactly, Are Cats ?
(Contributed by Bonita
Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.
May 25, 2005
(Contributed by Tom
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin today by reviewing some American history.
"Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from
Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro threw up his hand: "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I think I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro: "George Bush I, to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher: "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her lying on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003
May 26, 2005
(Contributed by Ed Abbot)
A fellow was getting ready to tee
off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join
The first man said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first fellow said the he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number 18, and while counting his $80. The second guy confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."
(Isn't that a nice way of calling
someone a Bastard? - WebMaster)
May 27, 2005
(Contributed by Bill
Two doctors opened an office in a small town. They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.
Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."
But is was still not good! So they tried:
"Minds and Behinds"
"Analysis and Anal Cysts"
"Nuts and Butts"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons"
"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"
Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:
"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."
It was APPROVED !
May 28, 2005
Orgy at Never Neverland
Q: How can you tell Michael Jackson's having an orgy at Never Neverland?
By all the Big Wheels parked outside!
May 29, 2005
(Contributed by Tom Cronk)
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. . .even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes.
But it's not only the passion dad,
she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you won't
care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the
woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many
children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your loving son,
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer.
I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come
May 30, 2005
(Contributed by Richard Martin)
At her father's wake, a woman told
her priest that ever since she was a child she and her father had discussed life
after death. They had agreed that whom ever went first would contact the other.
They had discussed this again just two weeks before his death.
He died in her home and a few days after his death the smoke alarm in her garage went off. She had lived there 28 years and it had never gone off before.
She couldn't turn it off, so she called the security company that installed it. The next morning the smoke alarm sounded again... and the reason finally dawned on her.
She said aloud, "Ok dad, I missed the signal yesterday, but I get it now! Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side. Now turn the thing off so I don't have to call the security company again." And it went off.
She immediately called her priest to tell him the good news. His response was, "Dear lady, if every time your father sends you a message, he sets off the smoke alarm, just where do you think he's calling from?"
May 31, 2005
(Contributed by Tom
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" the mother-in-law asked.
"I am waiting for my husband to come home from work." the daughter-in-law replied.
"Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law. "This is my love dress." the daughter-in-law replied.
"LOVE DRESS! You are naked." said the mother-in-law
"But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy." said the daughter-in-law.
"I would appreciate it if you left now because my husband will be home any minute." The daughter-in-law continued.
Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an idea.
She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume and waited by the door for her husband to come home.
Finally the pickup truck drove up the drive way and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door and immediately saw his wife naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" the mother-in-law replied.
"Maybe you should iron it." he replied.
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