Two Doctors

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

One night, a man and a woman are at a bar downing a few beers. They strike up a conversation and quickly discover that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey, how about we sleep together tonight? No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun."

The woman agrees. So they go back to her place. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10-20 minutes. Finally, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.

Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?"

"Yeah, how did you know?"

"I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started."

"Oh, that makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anesthesiologist, aren't you?"

"Yeah," says the man, a bit taken aback. "How did you know?"

The woman answers, "I didn't feel a thing.

Kings Birthday

(Contributed by Glenda Hubert)

Many years ago, in the south pacific, there was a small island kingdom that was ruled by a kind and benevolent King. Each year, on the King's birthday, the residents of the island gave the King a new throne as token of their love and respect for him.

And each year, the King would put last years gift up in the attic of his small grass house. After many years of ruling the island, the weight of the large number of birthday presents stored up in the attic became too heavy and caused the house to collapse down on the King.

Moral to the story is: He who lives in grass house, shouldn't stow thrones.
 

Invented

(Contributed by Kerry "Doc" Pardue)

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbucks one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire "

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That's true,-- but it was the Italians who introduced it to the women !!!"
 

Good News and Bad News

(Contributed by Doris Weeks)

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.

HIM: "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today."

HER: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."

HIM: "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news."

HER: "Well, the air bag works."
 

USMC Dog

(Contributed by Betty Blackburn)

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign In front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services, The United States Marines . . . You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs'. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting In rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping . . . I was one of their most valuable spies for eight Years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down. I retired from The Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the Airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in . . . I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals . . . I got married, had a mess of puppies. And now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for The dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that. He was in the Navy!"
 

I forgot!

(Contributed by Ann Murphy)

"I want to divorce my husband because he has a lousy memory!"

"Why would you want to divorce him for that?"

"Every time he gets around a young woman, he keeps forgetting that he's married!"
 

Sign Of The Times

(Contributed by Joe Jenkins)

A woman met her husband at the train station after work for the ride home. He looked haggard, so she asked, "Rough day?"

"You bet it was," he groaned. "Our computers were down, and we had to think all day long."
 

Three Contractors

(Contributed by Septimus "Sharpie" Connor)

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C. One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some Measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!  How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.
 

Lovers Lane

(Contributed by Robert Murray)

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known necking spot.  He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop says: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane...and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm 22, sir."

The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.
 

The Duffer

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods.  Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap.  All the while, he'd noticed that the club professional had been watching.

"What club should I use now?" he asked the pro.

"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"

New Security Levels

(Contributed by Jack Jackson of WROV fame)

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Almost

(Contributed by Ben Megget)

Three ladies all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day, the ladies decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.

After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went ho me early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but >when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they as ked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!

Two Lawyers

(Contributed by Jo Canada)

Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case.

"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."

"Okay, you first," replied the other.

That was the end of the discussion.
 

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

Several dentists decided to set up a new practice. Since they were competing against a number of established practices, they needed something unique. Eventually, they decided to set up their offices on a boat.

At first they left the boat tied to the bank of the river. But soon they decided to offer river crossings while they performed dental exams. Their business became quite popular and was referred to as the Tooth Ferry.
 

Family Letters

(Contributed by Clyde Spincer)

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you like you can $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.

*****************************************

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even a hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad.
 

Skip a Day

(Contributed by Janice Holiday)

A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."
 

Bulk Mail

(Contributed by Marty McDonald)

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
 

Gotcha

(Contributed by Jim Clark)

A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this one time he was approaching a field during the night time. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"

The air traffic controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"
 

"Good Ol' Ole"

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

A Doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he told his assistant, "Ya Ole, I am going hunting tomorrow and we don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of our patients."

"Yes, sir..." answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: "So Ole, how was your day?"

Ole tells him he took care of 3 patients. The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.

"Bravo ya Ole, and the second one?" says the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir." says Ole.

"Bravo, bravo Ole! You're good at this and what; about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off her bra and her panties and lies down on the table spread her legs and shouts: "HELP ME! For 5 years I have not seen any man!!!!"

"And what did you do Ole?" asks the doctor.

"I put eye drops in her eyes."
 

An Apple A Day

(Contributed by Susan Jammison)

While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. I asked one nurse what the pin signified.

"Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."

New Scientific Study

(Contributed by Bobby Humphreys)

Q: Have you heard about the new scientific study which discovered that a certain type of food decreases a woman's sex drive?

A: It's called wedding cake.
 

Doc...You've Got To Help Me!

(Contributed by James Wagner)

"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five drop dead gorgeous women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."

The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"

"I push them away!"

"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"

The patient implored, "Please, Break my arms!"
 

(Contributed by Pattie Johansson)

George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died.

Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart.

The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers.

The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really *are* Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."
 

Mowing and Beer

(Contributed by Betty Blackburn)

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my can of Miller High Life, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."
 

Moral Of The Story

(Contributed by Bonnie Bell)

A missionary, in Africa, was out taking a walk in the jungle. Suddenly, he heard a noise from the brush in front of him. It was a lion. He started to back up and heard a noise from behind. Sure enough, it was another lion. He looked to his left and then to his right. You guessed it, lions were on both sides.

It looked grim, so the missionary sat down where he was and started to read his Bible.

Shortly after he started reading, the lions jumped the missionary and ate him.

Moral of the story: Never read between the lions.
 

Female Urologist

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

 There are over 11,000 male urologists in the US, but now a few women have entered the field.

A man goes to a female urologist for an exam.. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99."

The guy did as the doctor instructed and said, "99".

The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99."

Again, the guy says, "99."

The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I am going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I am going to hold on to your penis. Now take a deep breath and say 99."

The guy says, "One. . . two. . . three...four......five........six............
 

The Vet

(Contributed by Butch Lawson)

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"
 

Visit With Grandpa

(Contributed by Cecilia Johnson)

A man came to visit his grandparents and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a
shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."
 

Forgetful

(Contributed by John Smith)

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."
 

Where Is It

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

A man sat down and was seriously staring at the marriage certificate, After a long time his wife asked, "What are you looking for?"

He replied, "The expiration date."

The graduate with a science degree asks,
"Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks,
"How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks,
"How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks,
"Do you want fries with that?"