Romance Novel

Contributed by Ellen Butler

He held me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room. I had never been there but I knew this was his room. I knew what he was going to do to me, and I knew I was going to let him. The door closed quietly and we were alone.

He approached silently from behind and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and caressing upward along my tender calves slowly and steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved under my skirt to my thighs I gave a slight shudder and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. His knowing fingers continued upward across my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, his teasing hands quickly moved to my shoulders and slid down my tingling spine. By entire body was throbbing when he discovered my pink, lace thong.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. "This is a man," I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking "No" for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say...


"Okay all done. Here's your purse, ma'am. Have a nice flight."

The Cure

Contributed by Ed Abbot

A woman went to the doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.

"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

New Phone App

Contributed by The Florida Dude

You know, there is a lot of money to be made by developing a useful phone app.

With the fitness craze and everyone being weight conscious I put my brain cells to work on the project.

I want to announce the Newest phone app available for tracking progress in your fitness program. It is called the Personal Scale App.

This is how it works:

1 - You program your I-phone or Droid with my new app.

2 - Place the phone on a hard surface like a tile floor and then stand on it.

The phone will record your current weight and display it on the screen. The only problem is, it only seems to work once.

*For the Blondes…the reason it only works once – when you stand on a cell phone, it usually breaks!

Mail Order

Contributed by Barry Silvers

An old fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat that you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."

In a short time, he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."

Friday Meeting

Contributed by Matt Jamison

Mr. Trent always scheduled the weekly staff meeting for four thirty on Friday afternoons. When one of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, he explained.

“I will tell you why … I’ve leaned that’s the only time of the week when none of you seem to want to argue with me.”

Need To Impress

Contributed by Joey Clarkson

A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?"

The trainer replied; “Use the ATM outside the gym!!!"

It's Hell To Get Old

Contributed by Tom Martin

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

A Memory From The Seventies

Contributed by The Florida Dude

I heard this story in the late seventies.

Just prior to a manned launch, an insect was heard in the superstructure of the rocket. The risk analysis and decision had to be made to launch or to delay the launch and purge the insect. The risk was negligible so the rocket launch.

The insect was dubbed the Gemini Cricket.

History Lesson

Contributed by Haley Hulsey

Columbus Day always reminds me of the brave exploration party Columbus assembled in 1492, with all four ships sailing off into the unknown. You remember the names of his four ships:

The Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria and the Clyde.

You don't hear too much about the Clyde anymore, since that's the one that sailed over the edge.

Editors Note: For the Blonde's - in that time, they thought the world was flat - now say DUH.

Call Me

Contributed by Michael Hunter

A husband was having great difficulty getting along with his wife – nothing but arguing and friction – so he decided to consult a marriage counselor. After they had talked for a while, the counselor said, “I suggest that you run five miles each day for a week. Then please call me back.”

A week later the counselor received a call from the husband, “Well,” asked the counselor, “how are things going with you and your wife?

“How should I know?” said the husband. “I’m thirty-five miles away.”

Only in America

Contributed by Jim Clark

Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance....

Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry and A diet coke...

Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens To the counters...

Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then Have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America... do we use the word politics to describe the process so well. Poli in Latin meaning many and tics meaning blood sucking creatures.

Alcohol Education

Contributed by Tom Cronk

A man is stopped by the police around 1:00 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Cowboy Logic

Contributed by Glenn Byron

A tough old cowboy from South Texas, counceled his grandson, that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously, to the age of 103.

When he died, he left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grand children, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole, where the crematorium use to be.

He's My Brother

Contributed by Dave Cuva

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.  Right now, he can't do either."

The Question

Contributed by The Florida Dude

What did the spider email to the fly?

Visit my Web site!

Contributed by Brenda Watson

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell 'convenience,' so I made it 'risk.'"

Exaggeration

Contributed by Jerrold Penske

Mrs. Kinsey was one of those women with a natural curiosity. She had to know everything about everything. “How is it,” she asked the dentist one day, “that such little hole in my tooth feels so big to my tongue?”

“Well,” said the dentist, “you know how a woman’s tongue exaggerates.”

Misfortune vs. Disaster

Contributed by Donald Middleton

Two philosophers were sitting at a restaurant, discussing whether or not there was a difference between misfortune and disaster.

“There is most certainly a difference,” said one. “If the cook suddenly died and we couldn’t have our dinner that would be a misfortune .... but certainly not a disaster. On the other hand, if a cruise ship carrying the Congress was to sink in the middle of the ocean, that would be a disaster .... but by no stretch of the imagination would it be a misfortune.

Redneck Baby

Contributed by Kerry Pardue

The Redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby.

Upon arriving, the Nurse said, "Congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, five big baby boys."

The Redneck said, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney."

The nurse replied, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, the babies are all black."

Redneck Hooker

Contributed by Glenn Byron

A redneck was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the Shadows.

“Twenty dollars," she whispers.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck, it's only twenty bucks, so they hide in the bushes.

They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It’s a police officer.

“What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

“I'm making love to my wife!” Bubba answers, sounding annoyed.

“Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, “I didn't know.”

Bubba says, "Well, neither did I, 'til ya shined that light in her face!”

Coincidence

Contributed by Donny Bastille

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"

JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

Just Plain Amazing

Contributed by Bonita Bateson

There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar.

Are you from around here?" The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street."

"No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?"

"Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66.

How 'bout you?"

"Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too." "Where'd you go to college?"

"Beloit, in Wisconsin."

"No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?"

"Kevin Sullivan dorm."

"Sullivan? You're not going to believe this . . ."

Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, "Joe, you won't believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same

high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?"

Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing."

A third man comes in and says, "Hey Joe. What's new?" Joe says, "Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again."

Not guilty?

Contributed by Jim Clark

After a two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes, we have, your honor," The foreman responded.

"Would you please pass it to me," The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts of bank robbery." stated the foreman. The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude.

The man's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?"

The defendant, with a bewildered look on his face turns to his attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

Bewildered Texan

Contributed by John Morgan

While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River ; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.

Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff 's Office and Homeland Security .

It is now 4 pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps...

Two Old People

Contributed by Rodger Smith

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample."

The old man says, "What?"

So the doctor says it again.

Once again the old man says, "what?"

So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"

With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

Friendly Holiday Advice

Contributed by Howard Meagle

Please, take care of yourself this Memorial Weekend !

A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by idiots who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, milk, water, and stuff like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol, they cause three times as many accidents . . .

Tell It Like It Is

Contributed by Becky Coleman

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

Female vs. Male Logic

Contributed by Perry Woods

A wife asks her husband, an engineer, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk,
and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs".

* For The Blondes: Some may have to read this 2 or more times!  Others may never "get it"...
 

Grandma's Don't Know Everything

Contributed by Glenn Byron

Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.  He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse.’
 

‘Oh,’ Little Tony said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

Asked and Answered

Contributed by Jenna Hunter

The man applied for a job with a chain food store. “What is your experience with groceries?” asked the interviewer.

“Well,” said the applicant. “I’m eating them all the time.”

Contributed by Harry Wingfield

One man said to the other, "You know, there are really only three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.